I’ve never really understood anxiety before because I’ve never had it. The odd panic attack, years ago. But nothing for a while. Until a few months back….when all of a sudden it literally just hit me. Right in the face.

I was out with my team one afternoon and all of a sudden I felt the need to run away. Now, you might think that’s not weird when you’re with people from work. But my team are like my family. I love them…we are very close and to be honest when I feel shit I go to work knowing that they will get me through my day.

So this anxiety attack thankfully didn’t last all that long. But it still worried me. I don’t where it came from or why…. and then about a month later it happened again. Funnily enough before another work social event. But this time it was worse. It was the night before and I couldn’t breathe. My friend had to call me and calm me down. I couldn’t not go because it was a leaving do for someone on my team and I’d organised it.

Anyway I went, I survived and I didn’t freak out in the end.

What I hate is that it’s becoming a common occurrence. I have plans for something and then a few days before the anxiety kicks in. This weekend just gone, I was seeing my girls in Nottingham. Just a night in. And yet as it got closer I started to stress. I nearly bailed on going. And yet I got there and aside from the odd meltdown which I think only happened because I know they get me and understand….it was absolutely fine.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. But I think it was mainly just to say this anxiety stuff is new to me. It’s presenting itself in situations I would never have imagined and it can be really scary. And I’m sorry for anyone who has to deal with this on a daily basis.

To end with a positive….I got the biggest hugs off this lot at the weekend ❤️



That’s how I feel right now. Frazzled. I’ve gone from feeling up beat and positive to let me cry and sleep for the next 2 weeks…at least. 

Nothing bad is happening but my mind is on over drive and my days are going from mediocre to horrendous. A couple of days ago I could barely function at work and when I got home I felt like I was running on empty. Toby was being a shit for a start and after I finished yelling/crying at him I had to deal with everything else. Everything else involved tidying up, cooking dinner and just getting myself in a position where I was ready for the next day. Doesn’t sound terrible at all but I was drained. I had no energy left. I nearly fell asleep at the kitchen table at 6pm! 

Thankfully I talked to my friends….they listened, they told me what I needed to do and they got me through the night. So pulled up my girl pants and got on with it. And I survived…woop!! 

I’ve felt so much better since then but I’m still not quite on track. The gym will not be seeing my face this week as I can’t even think about that right now. Last night I barely slept because I was either in the bathroom or laying in bed having minor anxiety episodes about things that aren’t even that big a deal. 

I’m a worrier. An over thinker. And a general stress head. I don’t have anything particularly massive going on right now but that doesn’t mean my mind doesn’t go into over drive at times. My parents are back next week and I can’t wait to see them. I think a lot of what’s going on with me is related to that. I know that things will get easier when they’re home but I feel like the build up is weirdly stressing me out. I can’t explain why, but it just is. 

I do have a lot to get in order for their return. Mainly cleaning 🙄. But why that’s stressing me out I don’t know. I’ve got a catch up with some of my girls on Saturday night and whilst in one of my anxiety episodes last night I nearly cancelled on them. But I thankfully had a change of heart today and realized a time out with friends who get me and support me is something I probably need right now. 

So anyway, I’m really trying my best to switch off from the worrying thoughts and chill out this week. I’m doing better but my annoying mind likes to make things hard for me at times. But I will persevere, fight the evil voices and find that positivity again to get me through the weekend. And then as of Tuesday I have my folks back. And I’m not ashamed to say…that even at the age of 36, I cannot bloody wait!!!! 

Where’s your head at??? 

Ummm….all over the place. But!!! The dark grey heavy clouds parted over the weekend. I saw brightness again. Not much but enough to know I can pick myself, dust myself off and find my way again. 

My heart still aches for the boy. But now more so because I know he’s in pain too. And I can’t do anything to help him. I understand to some extent how he’s feeling because I’ve been there many times. But it doesn’t mean I can help him. Firstly I don’t think he will let me, second I need to make sure I focus on myself first and lastly…you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. All I can do is be there for him. So that’s what I’m doing. 

But me first. I need to make sure of that. I don’t want to rush into anything so I’m just taking it a day at a time. I’ve piled on the lbs again and I know I need to sort that out. But at the moment getting myself out of bed, into work and functioning as normal as possible is enough for now. I am ready to start moving forward again…just very slowly.

As for the boy. Well people are confused and a little negative about us still even talking. I understand why. But at the same time no one is in my shoes. We care about each other. I’m at a point in my life where finding people you connect with is rare. I don’t want him to go through his pain alone so if I can be there for him I will do it. 

I’m not doing this in the hopes he will change his mind. I’m doing this because I care about him and I don’t want him to suffer alone. But in order to be there for him I need to get myself sorted first. So that’s my first goal. Me. 

Goodbye 2015

When people say ‘Happy New Year’, what does that even mean? I know people are wishing everyone happiness for the year ahead but really??? I mean whose year is full of complete happiness? Maybe some, but everyone has rough times over the year surely? Is anyone truly happy through the the entire year?

I sound miserable don’t I? I’m sorry. I just don’t feel all that excited about the year ahead. Not because it won’t be a good one. But because I don’t know what it will bring. Last year I was excited about the good things to come but look where I ended up? Was it my fault? Did I not try hard enough? Did I do something wrong?

This last year for me has been crazy. It started well and slowly and gradually it got darker and darker. I fought…I really did. I tried to deal with the bad thoughts I was getting but I just couldn’t do it! So I hit a wall. A hard one. I had to get back on medication, my fitness regime went out of the window and I even had to take some time off work.

When I look back I don’t think my year was that terrible. I just think things deteriorated slowly. Initially I didn’t even realise it was happening….not until it was really bad anyway. The last few months have been tough. Really tough. Having my baby sister come and visit was just was I needed. I got to be myself, bad days and good. We had a great time together and I loved having her here. And to top it off my Momma bear came home just before christmas. When I started struggling she got worried and decided she wanted to be here with me. I didn’t ask for it but I’m grateful for her being here. I do need the support and sometimes I’m just to scared to ask for it.

So I had a semi family christmas which was lovely. It was emotional at times as I’m still dealing with a lot but having my sis and mum here was more then I could ever ask for.

I’ve also had some amazing support from other friends. My BBG girls have been amazing…messaging regularly to see how I am, sending flowers and just generally being amazing. My friend Alex has been there every day for me. Checking on me, messaging to see how I am and gnereally making me know I not alone. When you are going through a hard time your true friends really do appear and I’m lucky I have so many.

So anyway 2016 is a mere 4 hours away. Am I excited? Not really! I’m just thankful. I’m thankful I got through 2015 and still here to see in new year. There are times where I’ve wanted to give up. To not continue. To not keep going. I know it sounds utterly selfish but when you feel hopeless, full of self loathing and cannot see the purpose of your existence you literally can’t see any other way out.

But I’m still here. I want to keep going. So come at me 2016. I’m not going to tell myself I’ll do all these amazing things. I just want to get through another year. Getting through a day is hard enough at the moment so I think that would be an achievement on its own. Life is hard folks. Don’t set yourself unrealistic new year goals and resolutions. Just strive to get through things, be as happy as life will allow you to be and strong enough to fight through the times when life isn’t so great.

Be good to yourself next year. I will try to do the same XXX


Hey ho, hey ho…. 

Friday evening…ahhhhhh!!! It might sound like I’ve had a stressful week. But actually it’s been ok. I had a few days off again at the start of the week so I could focus on my therapy sessions and not throw myself into everything all at once. But on Wednesday I went back to work.

I’m not gonna lie. The night before I was very anxious. I didn’t sleep great at all. The drive in on Wednesday morning was even worse. I had all these ideas in my head about how awkward it was going to be. Would people be weird with me, treat me differently? I honestly didn’t think I’d last more then an hour!! But I walked in and all of a sudden those fears vanished and I felt like almost at home. My team greeted me and there was no fuss which is just what I needed. Just like any other day in work! 🙂

And since then it’s been fine. The break must have done the trick because work no longer feels an effort or a chore. I’ve not quite gotten to my full working potential yet but I’m happy to be back and I feel like I’m getting back on track.

I’m so blessed with the people I have around me at work. I’ve said it so many times but I’ll say it again. My colleagues are awesome. They make me laugh, they make me feel comfortable and they let me be who I am. If I need a hug, I’ll get one. If I need a chat, there’s always someone there. And if I just need to be left alone, I can get my space.

I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve been in a workplace where I feel supported, understood and even loved. 💜


Drained. That’s me today. The last few days have been great but have really taken it out of me. After a lovely weekend in Stratford I jumped back into my fitness regime with a body pump class on Monday morning at my new gym and then did my BBG week 3 workout when I got home that evening. It felt good!

I also started the second of my group therapy sessions on Monday afternoon. Like the other one it went really well and I enjoyed it. There were only two of us who attended but it didn’t matter. Was just nice to share our experiences and feelings and know we are not alone.

Yesterday I went to the 3rd session of the other group. The ladies there are so lovely I feel so relaxed and comfortable talking with them 🙂

It’s Diwali in the Hindu calendar today. So I should be celebrating with friends and family but instead I’m sat on the couch, under my blanket watching a DVD. I’ll come back to why later. Somebody at work suggested those who celebrate the festival and anyone else who wished to contribute mark the occasion with a food feast at lunch time. So last night I spent the evening cooking away with the help of two of my friends from work. Had a lovely evening, laughing, eating and just feeling happy.

Today was a struggle. I felt tired all day. I had to go to Northampton for work. It felt like a very long drive there and back for a task that took very little time. My colleague and I were fighting to stay awake on the drive home. But I like those kind of trips because we get to talk shit in the car for a few hours and it’s always nice to get of the office for a day.

Anyway tonight I was supposed to go round a family friends for Diwali dinner but I just wasn’t feeling it. The drive home from the office was a mission. I couldn’t even face the gym! So sadly I had to decline my invite and instead I’m having a lazy evening at home.

I felt bad at first but then I was reminded of something that was discussed at my group yesterday. When things get too much, when you get tired or when you just can’t keep going. Pause. Take time out for yourself to allow yourself to get back on track. So that’s what I’m doing tonight. Resting my body and resting my mind.

So tomorrow is the Hindu new year. I intend to chill out tonight and regroup. And tomorrow I’ll start over. That’s what New Year’s Day is for after all 😉   

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