Anxiety

I’ve never really understood anxiety before because I’ve never had it. The odd panic attack, years ago. But nothing for a while. Until a few months back….when all of a sudden it literally just hit me. Right in the face.

I was out with my team one afternoon and all of a sudden I felt the need to run away. Now, you might think that’s not weird when you’re with people from work. But my team are like my family. I love them…we are very close and to be honest when I feel shit I go to work knowing that they will get me through my day.

So this anxiety attack thankfully didn’t last all that long. But it still worried me. I don’t where it came from or why…. and then about a month later it happened again. Funnily enough before another work social event. But this time it was worse. It was the night before and I couldn’t breathe. My friend had to call me and calm me down. I couldn’t not go because it was a leaving do for someone on my team and I’d organised it.

Anyway I went, I survived and I didn’t freak out in the end.

What I hate is that it’s becoming a common occurrence. I have plans for something and then a few days before the anxiety kicks in. This weekend just gone, I was seeing my girls in Nottingham. Just a night in. And yet as it got closer I started to stress. I nearly bailed on going. And yet I got there and aside from the odd meltdown which I think only happened because I know they get me and understand….it was absolutely fine.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. But I think it was mainly just to say this anxiety stuff is new to me. It’s presenting itself in situations I would never have imagined and it can be really scary. And I’m sorry for anyone who has to deal with this on a daily basis.

To end with a positive….I got the biggest hugs off this lot at the weekend ❤️

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Dear Joe…

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I haven’t forgotten about you but things just got kinda busy. But in a good way so I hope you’ll forgive the delay in posting… 

If you recall my last post was all about my first day back in the world of fitness. Why I’d failed so many times before and how I was ready to start over. I failed…again! 🤦🏽‍♀️ As per usual I got way ahead of myself and the new regime lasted no more then a week or so….🙄

So what did I do about it? Nothing. I didn’t dwell on it, I didn’t feel guilty about it, I just decided it wasn’t quite right and I just got on with things. That’s my new way of dealing with things that would have normally stressed me out or gotten me down and annoyed with myself. No more negativity over here!! 👌

There have been a few other things that haven’t quite gone as I’d hoped in the last few months. The house purchase being the main one. Long story short, it didn’t work out. But weirdly I wasn’t too gutted about it. Aside from the feeling of ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ I also felt a sense of relief. The whole process was so stressful and it made me realize that maybe I wasn’t quite ready to chain myself to a life of mortgage payments, house improvements and well lets be honest….not having much of a life. So for now I’m staying where I am and putting that idea on hold! 

Since then I’ve just focused on myself and doing things that make me happy. I’ve caught up with friends, spent a lot of time in the kitchen doing what I love (and feeding my coworkers 😂) and of course there has been lots of chill time with Toby. 

There’s this one big thing that has made me really happy and has given me almost a whole new lease of life….I am no longer medicated!! 🙌 It’s been over a month now since I came off my meds and I’ve never felt stronger, more motivated and positive. It’s like a cloud has been lifted and my head feels clearer and my whole body just feels lighter. 

I never imagined I’d get here….in the past when I’ve come off my meds I’ve felt uneasy and almost a little unsafe. Always waiting to fall back into a dark hole. I don’t know what’s different this time but those feelings aren’t there. I’ve accepted that I will have times when I will struggle and there will be wobbles, but for the first time in god knows how long I’m ok with that and I don’t feel the need for medical help.

As a result I’ve been doing some ‘spring’ cleaning in my life. Removing the things, people, thoughts that have been holding me back or bringing me down.

For anyone that follows me on instagram you’ll know that I’ve gone through phases where my health and fitness was such a big focus. I was following all sorts of people to help inspire, motivate and encourage me. Initially this did help but more recently the opposite was happening. Other people’s success, transformations, positivity was actually getting me down and making me feel pretty crap about myself. I wanted to be like them but didn’t know how to get there. One day something just clicked….why on earth was I trying to be like ‘them’? Surely the point was to be a better version of myself? I’ve known this all along but like so many others I got swept up in the…dare I say it…cruel world of social media. The world that is forever telling you what you should be doing, what you should be eating and how you should be feeling. Well I say bollocks to all that! This is me, like it or lump it. 

So last week I went on a culling spree…I unfollowed all the profiles that no longer inspired me, made me feel crap or no longer had a positive effect on me. And you know what? It felt bloody amazing!! And I guess over time I’ve been doing the same in my actual life as well. Figuring out what was no longer good for me and getting rid or backing away from it. And I’m going to continue to do this…if something or someone is not good for my mental state then I’m afraid it’s out! 🙅🏽

I think that’s the big thing I’ve learned…my mental wellbeing is way more important then my physical wellbeing. I’m talking about me personally. A lot of people say when they feel stressed, down or even depressed they exercise and it makes them feel better. I agree that this does work. But I think for me it’s the opposite…if I’m unhappy, struggling mentally or just in a dark place well you’ll be lucky to get me out of bed some days. So the chances of physical activity happening are slim to none. I have to get my mental state in a good place and then the rest will follow…and this week I think it finally started to happen. 

After an amazing weekend away with my girls I came home feeling motivated, in high spirits and generally more focused and happy. On Monday I had my first personal training session in well over a year….I went to a spin class on Wednesday with two of the girls from work and remembered how much I loved it. And on Friday night I swapped my evening in front of the tv with a glass of wine for a circuits class at the gym! 😊

And yes I know I’ve done this many times before and not stuck with it but this time I’m going to try my hardest not to make it a focus. I’ll do the things I enjoy, when I can. I’ll experiment in the kitchen with more healthy foods but I won’t cut out the things I love…(totally went to Maccy’s drive thru yesterday! 😜). Basically, I will do what’s right for me at the time. I just set myself up for failure by setting goals because I become too focused or obsessed and inevitably when I fail I get depressed and I’m back at square one!

So….a little late for my new year, new start. But who cares! I’m here now and this is how I’m hoping to see the rest of the year out… 

1. Do what I want, when I want and how I want… 

2. If I’m not happy, review what I’m doing currently and then refer back to number 1! 

3. Be me! 

😘

Ps some photos (mainly Toby and food!) of the last few months…. 😂

Oh and for everyone wondering who the hell Joe is….apparently he’s my number 1 blog fan! 😂

6 x 6 = ? 

36!!! Thirty bloody six!!! How the hell did that happen?? I’m not there yet…but it’s less then 2 weeks away and I’m totally freaking out!! 

Every year I tell myself…this year will be different. This year you will do things. This will be your year, Shaena. It never is. Ever year passes and I feel like barely survived. Don’t get me wrong…good things have happened this year. Really good things. Toby came into my life, my little sister came home for Christmas, my best friend got married in the Alps and I got to go to the wedding, I had a fabulous holiday in Croatia with said best friend, I fell in love, I spent some quality time with my parents and I made it this far…. I made it to t-minus 12 days to my 36th birthday! 

But amongst all of that good stuff, as always there have bumps….obstacles….a lot of crap. Some of these things were as small as speed humps in the road. A sort of…ugh….that was annoying and slowed me down. Sometimes they were a bit bigger. I’d get stuck there for a day or two and needed to rest before I could get over them and carry on. And then there were the road blocks. That stopped me dead in my tracks. I fell to the ground and stayed there for days…sometimes longer. Wanting to give up but hearing the voices of all of the people that cared about me to keep on trying. Asking me to pick myself up, gather all my strength and destroy that road block! 

I did. It worked. I’m still here.

So how am I doing? Ok I guess. Work is crazy busy and I’m still doing my sessions with fit body bootcamp but not as much as I’d like to. I haven’t done any sessions at home which I’m disappointed with but I’m so tired all the time. Some times physically but most of the time mentally. I do have one exciting thing happening at the moment though…I’m in the process of buying a house. Never thought I’d say that…me, buy a house. But it’s happening….and fingers crossed all being well I’ll have a lovely little home for me and Toby to move into before Christmas. 

I guess that’s something to be proud of. Although it would no be happening without the help of bank of mum and dad. What would I do without them! They keep me going, they support me when I’m struggling and they fight for me even harder then I do for myself at times. 

So 36….what do you have in store for me? Good things I hope…and for the not so good I hope I’ve got it in me to get through another year X 

Eat, sleep and move ❤️

This time last week I was on holiday countdown….how can it be that it’s all over already?! Alex and I had the best time….Croatia is a beautiful place and I definitely want to go back there again! Here are just a few pictures from our trip…


So anyway….back to reality and back to work tomorrow! Oddly I’m not feeling too sad about it to be honest. As much as we didn’t want to leave I made sure that I didn’t let the post holiday blues spiral and kill my positive attitude. I was tired when I got home today but dragged my ass to FBBC this evening and got back on it!!! 

Just want to go back to this time last week again. The Tuesday before I flew out to Croatia I had a little progress review with Oli from FBBC. We had a chat about how I was getting on and discussed my goals in more depth. I know my goals are realistic and achievable because I’ve done it before but we meeded to figure out why I couldn’t make the habits stick. There were a few different reasons but the two big ones for me were balance and my mental health struggles. 

First Oli talked me through what he called the depression triangle… 


I mean it’s pretty obvious really….eat well, exercise and give your body the rest it needs by getting a decent nights sleep! When I’m in this routine if you like, everything feels good. I’m brighter, more energetic and the depression leaves me alone. However, when any of these slip for more then a few days that’s when I’m in trouble. So I need to keep on top of these 3 things which I know I can do but I have to avoid burnout. 

That brings me onto balance. The reason my healthy habits won’t stick is because I’m an all or nothing kinda girl. I’ll workout like a crazy person for weeks/months at a time but then all of a sudden it’ll stop. I get exhausted so I start with a rest day,which turns into a few rest days and then all of a sudden 2 weeks have gone by and I don’t even know where my training shoes are anymore! Same goes for food….ill be pretty strict with myself and then I’ll just binge for a week. So the routine starts to fall apart and before you know depression is knocking at my door again with its friends; self loathing, failure and what’s the point. The sleepless nights kick in and everything just falls apart. 

So how do I avoid that? Well, Oli asked how many times a week I wanted to train. I said 5….he looked at me and said “no more then 3!” I must have looked horrified because he then said…”ok then, 4″. But then he asked me to think about it on a larger scale rather then focus on a week. He suggested that I work on the basis that there are 4 weeks in a month (roughly) so multiply that by 4 sessions and you have 16. So I have to aim for 16 sessions a month but keep the routine flexible. This way if I’m too busy at work or having too much on one week I can just get a couple of sessions in. But on a quieter week I might do 5 or 6. This made much more sense to me and hopefully will help me avoid that “I messed up because I didn’t make it to Monday’s session” feeling. 

So now the holiday is out of the way it’s time to get on and smash my goals whilst hopefully remaining positive, energetic and balanced. 


So off to bed now to get at least 8 hours sleep….so I can conquer the world tomorrow 💕

Get back up and fight 

I’ve just finished reading Khloe Kardashian’s Strong looks better naked. Never thought I’d find myself turning to a Kardashian for inspiration but life is full of surprises. I loved her book. She shared her thoughts on how to make yourself a stronger and better person…inside and out. 

A lot of what she said resonated with me and although when you have a mental illness it’s not as simple as pick yourself and move forward….her get back up and fight attitude really made me rethink where I am right now. 

As I said in my last post I’m doing ok. What I’d like though, is to be doing better then ok. I’ve been knocked down many times and have got back up again so I know that I have it in me (somewhere) to do the same again. 

Depression can sometimes become a dark comfort. A place where it’s ok to be negative. A bubble of sadness where no one can hurt you because, well, you’re already in pain. It’s a ‘safe’ place where you don’t have to try anymore. I’ll admit, sometimes it’s just easier to hide there. But how’s that helping anyone? Simple. It’s not. 

So….I need to get back up and fight. No one else is going to save me. No one else can help me heal. No one else can bring me back to life. It’s all down to me. 


I loved this paragraph in Khloe’s book. It really made me think. Ok so for me it takes a little extra help….I can’t just pick myself up and dust myself off. Medication and therapy is required…but that’s ok isn’t it?! Im unwell, I have an illness that will never completely go away. So getting back up after a stumble for me is a lot harder. But I know I can do it. It just takes time, strength and self belief. You have to want it or it won’t happen. 

3 weeks ago I was wishing my life was over. Today, I can see a little light again. I’m not sure whether it’s in me or lighting the way forward but I’m just glad it’s there. I’m ready to get back up and fight X 

I’m sorry….I just can’t cope right now 

The title of this post might be a bit misleading as I think I’m actually doing ok at the moment. I’m getting out of bed, going to work (and actually doing work most days) and maintaining a fairly normal home life….by that I mean I still remember to feed my dog, occasionally cook a meal and of course help my mum around the house. Not going to lie, I’ve not been the best help….but I’m doing what I can. Depression is exhausting and for those that don’t quite get it it might just sound like an excuse to be lazy but seriously….sometimes I can’t even be bothered to get up and go to the bathroom to pee I’m so tired. I just wanted to talk about how hard it can be at times even when we show to others we are ok. 

Tiredness comes in different forms. There’s the obvious just wanting to sleep a lot. I like to be in bed by 9 these days. Any later and the stress starts to kick in. Not sure why because for the last few weeks I’ve actually been sleeping ok. But….bed is where I want to be. There are also often days where I end up napping on the couch. I was never much of a napper but it’s becoming quite a regular thing for me…especially at weekends.

And then there’s the mental tiredness. Where you can’t sleep but you can’t function. The brain just says no. And in all honesty…when that happens, all I want is to hide under my duvet. Unfortunately that’s not always possible so I have to push through it and get on with my day. 

Having a mental illness sucks. Because nobody can see it. It’s just there and it comes and goes without warning. sometimes there are triggers, sometimes you just wake up and you want the ground to swallow you up. That’s how it is for me anyway. 

The thoughts that go through my head sometimes, are beyond ridiculous. I know that. But I feel them. And most of the time I believe them. Those demons are a pain in the ass!!!

On a good day I find distractions….I keep busy, work is good, I chat with family and friends and I watch tv until my eyes no longer stay open. I like those days, no time to think. No time for demons. 

But there are bad days. Obviously. On those days even the fact that I’ve woken up destroys me. And then I have to deal with the day, deal with people, go to work……function. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. It’s. Just. Not. Fun. 

My mum said to me the other day. Everyone goes through bad times, you just need to learn to cope better. I can understand where she’s coming from…but here’s the thing. On an average day I’m already trying to fight my way through, cope with things that others wouldn’t even give a second thought to…I’m trying my hardest to survive. So….when something bad happens, I fall. Because I’m all spent on the ok days. I have no energy left for the tough times. I give up. I fall apart. I crumble. 

Mental health is different for everyone that suffers. For me it’s a daily battle to beat the demons and make it to the next sunrise. 

I didn’t ask for this, I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone and I hope that this post helps people realise how horrible this can be. 

Where’s your head at??? 

Ummm….all over the place. But!!! The dark grey heavy clouds parted over the weekend. I saw brightness again. Not much but enough to know I can pick myself, dust myself off and find my way again. 

My heart still aches for the boy. But now more so because I know he’s in pain too. And I can’t do anything to help him. I understand to some extent how he’s feeling because I’ve been there many times. But it doesn’t mean I can help him. Firstly I don’t think he will let me, second I need to make sure I focus on myself first and lastly…you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. All I can do is be there for him. So that’s what I’m doing. 

But me first. I need to make sure of that. I don’t want to rush into anything so I’m just taking it a day at a time. I’ve piled on the lbs again and I know I need to sort that out. But at the moment getting myself out of bed, into work and functioning as normal as possible is enough for now. I am ready to start moving forward again…just very slowly.

As for the boy. Well people are confused and a little negative about us still even talking. I understand why. But at the same time no one is in my shoes. We care about each other. I’m at a point in my life where finding people you connect with is rare. I don’t want him to go through his pain alone so if I can be there for him I will do it. 

I’m not doing this in the hopes he will change his mind. I’m doing this because I care about him and I don’t want him to suffer alone. But in order to be there for him I need to get myself sorted first. So that’s my first goal. Me. 

How I’m feeling 

Numb

Hurt

Broken

Lost

Empty

Worthless 

Tired 

Exhausted 

Flat

Sad 

The course of true love never did run smooth 

I’ve always tried to be as open and honest when writing my blog posts. So I intend to do the same with this one even though deep down I feel stupid, pathetic and slightly embarrassed. 

Last week I fell from cloud 9 with a huge thud. That boy I was telling you about…well, he is no more. I don’t want to go into details as the wounds are still very raw and will be for some time but the sad part is that our feelings for each other never changed. I still care deeply for him and I know he does for me too. All I can really say is that maybe it wasn’t the right time for us. 

Needless to say it hit me pretty hard. I really did think this was it. Everything seemed to fall into place perfectly only for it to fall apart just as quick. I know so many people are thinking how can I be so heartbroken over such a short relationship. Well, I didn’t expect it either. I’m not going to try and justify my feelings because it is what it is. 

So what now? Ive just been trying to pick myself back up to be honest. Until today I’ve not been all that successful. I’ve not been sleeping, I’ve felt numb and empty and all those insecurities that I’m forever trying to fight off have resurfaced. The demons have well and truly returned!! 

I wanted to give in…I really did. Not because I got dumped. But because I’m tired. Tired of being on my own. Tired of waiting for the right guy to come along. I kept but think again it’s something about me. Why can’t I just get something right? Why can’t things work out for me? I know it’s not the be all and end all in life but it is something I want and at 35 years old I’m beginning to wonder if it will ever happen for me. 

I don’t mean to sound all woe is me. I’m just trying to be honest about what’s been going on and how I’m feeling. What’s happened has stirred up a lot of dark memories and feelings from my past and I feel like I’m back at square one all over again. 

Anyway as I said I’ve been feeling very low until today. I wouldn’t say I’m feeling loads better but I did drag myself back into the gym today and I’m back on the healthy eating! Let’s face it I don’t want to be heartbroken and fat so back to being a gym bunny it is! 

Goodbye 2015

When people say ‘Happy New Year’, what does that even mean? I know people are wishing everyone happiness for the year ahead but really??? I mean whose year is full of complete happiness? Maybe some, but everyone has rough times over the year surely? Is anyone truly happy through the the entire year?

I sound miserable don’t I? I’m sorry. I just don’t feel all that excited about the year ahead. Not because it won’t be a good one. But because I don’t know what it will bring. Last year I was excited about the good things to come but look where I ended up? Was it my fault? Did I not try hard enough? Did I do something wrong?

This last year for me has been crazy. It started well and slowly and gradually it got darker and darker. I fought…I really did. I tried to deal with the bad thoughts I was getting but I just couldn’t do it! So I hit a wall. A hard one. I had to get back on medication, my fitness regime went out of the window and I even had to take some time off work.

When I look back I don’t think my year was that terrible. I just think things deteriorated slowly. Initially I didn’t even realise it was happening….not until it was really bad anyway. The last few months have been tough. Really tough. Having my baby sister come and visit was just was I needed. I got to be myself, bad days and good. We had a great time together and I loved having her here. And to top it off my Momma bear came home just before christmas. When I started struggling she got worried and decided she wanted to be here with me. I didn’t ask for it but I’m grateful for her being here. I do need the support and sometimes I’m just to scared to ask for it.

So I had a semi family christmas which was lovely. It was emotional at times as I’m still dealing with a lot but having my sis and mum here was more then I could ever ask for.

I’ve also had some amazing support from other friends. My BBG girls have been amazing…messaging regularly to see how I am, sending flowers and just generally being amazing. My friend Alex has been there every day for me. Checking on me, messaging to see how I am and gnereally making me know I not alone. When you are going through a hard time your true friends really do appear and I’m lucky I have so many.

So anyway 2016 is a mere 4 hours away. Am I excited? Not really! I’m just thankful. I’m thankful I got through 2015 and still here to see in new year. There are times where I’ve wanted to give up. To not continue. To not keep going. I know it sounds utterly selfish but when you feel hopeless, full of self loathing and cannot see the purpose of your existence you literally can’t see any other way out.

But I’m still here. I want to keep going. So come at me 2016. I’m not going to tell myself I’ll do all these amazing things. I just want to get through another year. Getting through a day is hard enough at the moment so I think that would be an achievement on its own. Life is hard folks. Don’t set yourself unrealistic new year goals and resolutions. Just strive to get through things, be as happy as life will allow you to be and strong enough to fight through the times when life isn’t so great.

Be good to yourself next year. I will try to do the same XXX

 

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