House for one please! 

My house purchase is far from final but as it could potentially be complete in the next 2 months I need to start thinking of how I’m going to fill my new home. 
I started to make a little list over the last week or so. Stuff that I really need in my new house…and the stuff that can wait. 

Necessities:

• bed

• washing machine 

• wardrobe 

• kettle, toaster, iron (+board) 

• dinner set 

Doesn’t sound much but when you add up the cost…..jeez!!! I’m lucky that a few things the current owners are leaving behind and mum and dad are giving me stuff which they no longer need so it’s not like I have nothing. But I still need a few things to get me started and it ain’t gonna be cheap. 

So this is the reality of single person house buying. Finding a nice place I could afford a mortgage for on my own was just the first hurdle. Now I need to buy all this stuff. I’m going to be poor forever!!!

Obviously lots of people do it but I’m sure most people buy their first place with someone whether it be a partner or relative or whatever. It must make it so much easier to furnish a place when there are at least two of you. At first I thought being on my own I wouldn’t need as much stuff. But it’s not like I can buy half a bed or a one person dinner set…I still need to spend pretty much the same as two people would on home furnishings and appliances. 
So how will I do it? Well for starters I’ll probably have no life. And I guess my priorities with money will be so different. 

My parents were confused as to why I don’t have many savings. But honestly I think when you’re single you just end up spending more money. If you live alone you can save by staying in more often and cut back on the social life. But then you have the danger of becoming a social recluse. If you live with someone at least you can stay in with another person. And buying food for one isn’t easy either….you end up wasting a lot of stuff or eating the same meals for lunch and dinner on consecutive days. And bills, I don’t think you’d use much more electricity or gas being a two but at least you can split the cost. 

I don’t mean to be woe is me…little miss singleton. But the reality is that it’s harder on your own. But what’s the alternative…live at home waiting in vain to find someone I can do all this with? Or bite the bullet and just do it on my own?! 

I really am excited about finally get my own place. But the thought of it is also a bit daunting. But you know what…it’ll be mine. Just mine. My first house funded by me (and a little bit by my parents 🙈). 

LIFE

I’m in bed at the moment continuing my addiction to documentaries….for the last few weeks I’ve watched the majority of Netflix docos that have had a 4 star plus  rating. Not going to lie…I have a weird fascination when it comes to crime based docos….especially murder ones. Not because I’m a psychopath, but I’m just intrigued by the human brain and how it can work in such a way that it allows people to think it’s ok take someone else’s life. 

Yesterday was my rest day. I’ve felt a little burnt out lately…too much going on. So I told myself that Saturday was going to be my day off. A day off from everything. I woke up as normal around 7.30am….fell asleep again….then around 9.00am I was fully awake. I turned on my tv and started on my doco journey. I stayed in bed until midday…it was great. I then had breakfast, had a shower and got dressed. And then I relocated to the sofa where I continued on my journey…. 

A few of my documentary recommendations have come from my friends at work. We seem to have regular discussions on what we have watched recently and what we should add to our lists! After this weeks conversation yesterday’s delights were mainly about death row, serial killers and gangster crime! And I wonder why I’m still single……!!!! 

Amongst all this monotonous tv viewing I had some news. Some sad news about a family member. It made me think about life. My life. Life in general. Life on earth. 

This weekend I’ve learned about so many different lives. People who have suffered, people who have killed, people who have feared for their lives and people who have given up. 

Watching the programs I did this weekend touched on so many emotions. Anger, frustration, sadness….and guilt. 

The guilt is there and will always be there. Because there have been times in my life that I’ve decided I’m done. That I just can’t be bothered to fight anymore. That it’s too much for me. I’ve put my loved ones through hell in these moments. Are they moments of selfishness? I don’t know. But what I do know is that they are moments of desperation, suffocation, hopelessness and  defeat. 

I look back with regret. But I cannot say those moments and thoughts are gone forever. I’m just doing my best to build the biggest and strongest wall between me and them.

Life is unpredictable guys. Life can be short. Life can be long. But we just don’t know how the hell its going to turn out. So do the best you can, live the best life, and don’t sit in bed watching documentaries like me xxx 

6 x 6 = ? 

36!!! Thirty bloody six!!! How the hell did that happen?? I’m not there yet…but it’s less then 2 weeks away and I’m totally freaking out!! 

Every year I tell myself…this year will be different. This year you will do things. This will be your year, Shaena. It never is. Ever year passes and I feel like barely survived. Don’t get me wrong…good things have happened this year. Really good things. Toby came into my life, my little sister came home for Christmas, my best friend got married in the Alps and I got to go to the wedding, I had a fabulous holiday in Croatia with said best friend, I fell in love, I spent some quality time with my parents and I made it this far…. I made it to t-minus 12 days to my 36th birthday! 

But amongst all of that good stuff, as always there have bumps….obstacles….a lot of crap. Some of these things were as small as speed humps in the road. A sort of…ugh….that was annoying and slowed me down. Sometimes they were a bit bigger. I’d get stuck there for a day or two and needed to rest before I could get over them and carry on. And then there were the road blocks. That stopped me dead in my tracks. I fell to the ground and stayed there for days…sometimes longer. Wanting to give up but hearing the voices of all of the people that cared about me to keep on trying. Asking me to pick myself up, gather all my strength and destroy that road block! 

I did. It worked. I’m still here.

So how am I doing? Ok I guess. Work is crazy busy and I’m still doing my sessions with fit body bootcamp but not as much as I’d like to. I haven’t done any sessions at home which I’m disappointed with but I’m so tired all the time. Some times physically but most of the time mentally. I do have one exciting thing happening at the moment though…I’m in the process of buying a house. Never thought I’d say that…me, buy a house. But it’s happening….and fingers crossed all being well I’ll have a lovely little home for me and Toby to move into before Christmas. 

I guess that’s something to be proud of. Although it would no be happening without the help of bank of mum and dad. What would I do without them! They keep me going, they support me when I’m struggling and they fight for me even harder then I do for myself at times. 

So 36….what do you have in store for me? Good things I hope…and for the not so good I hope I’ve got it in me to get through another year X 

A 6 week fling or a lifetime commitment? 

This weekend marks the end of my Fit Body Bootcamp 6 week challenge. Now admittedly when I decided to do this challenge I thought at the end of the 6 weeks I’d look in the mirror and be like “wow Shaena! You look amazing!”. Ok so that might not have happened but here are the things I’ve learned and the changes I have noticed… 

Mood and motivation 

When I started out I was still crawling out of a very dark place. My confidence was in shattered and I was not a happy bunny. As we are told over and over exercise helps release endorphins in us, lifting our mood and making us feel a lot brighter. I’ve always known this to be true but sometimes breaking out of that viscous depression cycle can be hard. When you are down your energy levels are low, your motivation is non existent and you generally just don’t want to make the effort to do anything. That’s where I was and I needed to snap out of it. Thanks to a little push from my friend Becca I signed up for my free 3 day trial with FBBC and enjoyed the sessions so much I embarked on the 6 week program. 

So have those endorphins worked their magic? Yes they have…aside from the odd down day I’ve generally felt more up beat, have more life in me and my motivation to get things done has improved not only in relation to my health and fitness but also at work. I’ve even had people comment on how much more up beat and positive I am. And on those down days I make sure to choose the dumb bells over the duvet! 

Strong not skinny

The most obvious physical change I’ve noticed in myself has been my strength. When I started out with FBBC I was back to doing push ups on my knees, the thought of just one burpee would fill me with dread and commandos….hahaha…what a joke! 

But less then 6 weeks later I’m back doing push ups on my toes (not all, but as many as I can), burpees are slow but the fear has gone and I can actually do commandos!! I’m so proud of myself for making such good progress in quite a short amount of time. I knew it was possible because I’ve done it before, but I guess with me it’s about having someone to push me and tell me that I can do it as I often give into those negative thoughts that tell me otherwise.

Balance 

Round about week 4 of the challenge I started to slip a little….or so I thought. I was still getting my workouts in but I wasn’t quite sticking to the food plan. I was still around 80% on track but I my food portions were a little off and I gave into the odd treat. But rather then feel like I failed I looked at things differently. 

For me, I didn’t want the 6 week challenge to be….well, just that I suppose. I wanted it to be something more. I wanted it to be the start of a new habit. Something that would last longer then 6 weeks…something that I would stay committed too. So the slip ups, days off, cheat meals I decided not to see them that way. Instead I decided that I would call it balance. 

Each time I embark on a new health and fitness journey, I go all or nothing. I’ve mentioned this before. I struggle to find the balance and because of that I end up getting tired, bored or I burn myself out. So to avoid the rest days that turn into rest weeks and the “fuck it” food moments that spiral out of control I will allow myself the time and space to breathe and once in a while let myself be only 80% perfect! 

Mindset 

I don’t think I need to say much about my mindset. I think everything I’ve said so far is proof enough that my mindset is where it needs to be.

Support

The most important thing I’ve learned over the last 6 weeks is that I don’t just want this to be a phase. I want this to be a permanent lifestyle change. In order to do that I don’t think I’m ready to go it alone just yet. I still need more guidance, structure and basically someone to kick my ass when I’m not sticking with the program so to speak. So I’m staying with the FBBC family for a little longer. They’ve been amazing. From Oli’s motivational emails and additional workout options, to the ever supportive ladies in the Facebook group and of course our trainers…Callam, Craig and Adam. You guys have been awesome. I may have wanted to cry at times but you guys have pushed me and made me realise I can always do just one more rep! 

So what’s next?

THE GAME CHANGER!! 

Food fails! 

As I come to the end of week 4 of the fit body bootcamp challenge, I’m a little disappointed in myself. I’ve stuck to the workouts….got 3 HIIT sessions in this week and a decent 45min LISS workout as well. But some naughty food habits have crept back in 😕 

I started the week off well with all my meals prepared according to the plan. But I think I got to about Wednesday and started letting the odd treat slip in. Then on Thursday and Friday I’m pretty sure my evening meal portions were too large as I definitely felt i’d over eaten. Then yesterday I met friends for a late lunch and ate this….. 


Oh and there was wine last night….Woops! 🙈

So what now??? Well I’m not going to cry about it or beat myself up. Even with me going slightly off track I reckon I still stuck to the food plan 70% of the week. And that burger was bloody amazing so no regrets there 😂

But I know this sort of behavior is only going to slow down my progress and prevent me from achieving my goals so I need to sort my shit out!! 

So this week I’m getting back on it! I’m going to make sure I fill my food grids in, im going plan my meals a little better and I’m going to keep reminding myself why I started this journey in the first place! 

The road to your dreams is never straightforward and perfect. There are bumps, road blocks and sometimes even massive gaping holes, the important thing is how you get passed these and keep going. So with that I’m going to get my lazy ass out of bed and smash out this Sunday morning booty session and get back on track!! 


Happy Sunday folks xx 

Eat, sleep and move ❤️

This time last week I was on holiday countdown….how can it be that it’s all over already?! Alex and I had the best time….Croatia is a beautiful place and I definitely want to go back there again! Here are just a few pictures from our trip…


So anyway….back to reality and back to work tomorrow! Oddly I’m not feeling too sad about it to be honest. As much as we didn’t want to leave I made sure that I didn’t let the post holiday blues spiral and kill my positive attitude. I was tired when I got home today but dragged my ass to FBBC this evening and got back on it!!! 

Just want to go back to this time last week again. The Tuesday before I flew out to Croatia I had a little progress review with Oli from FBBC. We had a chat about how I was getting on and discussed my goals in more depth. I know my goals are realistic and achievable because I’ve done it before but we meeded to figure out why I couldn’t make the habits stick. There were a few different reasons but the two big ones for me were balance and my mental health struggles. 

First Oli talked me through what he called the depression triangle… 


I mean it’s pretty obvious really….eat well, exercise and give your body the rest it needs by getting a decent nights sleep! When I’m in this routine if you like, everything feels good. I’m brighter, more energetic and the depression leaves me alone. However, when any of these slip for more then a few days that’s when I’m in trouble. So I need to keep on top of these 3 things which I know I can do but I have to avoid burnout. 

That brings me onto balance. The reason my healthy habits won’t stick is because I’m an all or nothing kinda girl. I’ll workout like a crazy person for weeks/months at a time but then all of a sudden it’ll stop. I get exhausted so I start with a rest day,which turns into a few rest days and then all of a sudden 2 weeks have gone by and I don’t even know where my training shoes are anymore! Same goes for food….ill be pretty strict with myself and then I’ll just binge for a week. So the routine starts to fall apart and before you know depression is knocking at my door again with its friends; self loathing, failure and what’s the point. The sleepless nights kick in and everything just falls apart. 

So how do I avoid that? Well, Oli asked how many times a week I wanted to train. I said 5….he looked at me and said “no more then 3!” I must have looked horrified because he then said…”ok then, 4″. But then he asked me to think about it on a larger scale rather then focus on a week. He suggested that I work on the basis that there are 4 weeks in a month (roughly) so multiply that by 4 sessions and you have 16. So I have to aim for 16 sessions a month but keep the routine flexible. This way if I’m too busy at work or having too much on one week I can just get a couple of sessions in. But on a quieter week I might do 5 or 6. This made much more sense to me and hopefully will help me avoid that “I messed up because I didn’t make it to Monday’s session” feeling. 

So now the holiday is out of the way it’s time to get on and smash my goals whilst hopefully remaining positive, energetic and balanced. 


So off to bed now to get at least 8 hours sleep….so I can conquer the world tomorrow 💕

HIIT, hens and holidays 

Oh my goodness…what a week!!! It’s 4.30am on a Sunday and I can’t get back to sleep. So I thought I may as well get my blog on and fill you in on the crazy week I’ve had! 

There was a lot of back and forth from Northampton. I was attending court there for work. So there were some long days….and the nature of the trial resulted in some emotional and mentally draining times. It was pretty exhausting…..

(Fell asleep again…continuing this before bed now 😂)

On Friday I was back in the office but it was still a hectic day. I had lots of little things to do and that evening I was out with the girls from work for a joint hen do. I’d organized it so was a little stressed out as most of it was a surprise but the evening went well and I think everyone had a good night. 


After brunch with my friend Natalie on Saturday I headed home and have had a pretty quiet weekend since. For some reason I’m still exhausted though…

Anyway so this was also week 1 of my 6 week fit body bootcamp challenge. Now because I was away Monday night in Northampton I was advised to start on the Wednesday. However although i didn’t start the food plan until then I still got in a mini HIIT workout in my hotel room on Monday night and I made it back in time for a bootcamp session on Tuesday! 


So how’s it going??? Well…surprisingly okay actually. I made it to 3 sessions this week and of course there was my Monday evening sweat session in my room. But I knew once my body got over the initial shock over the intense workouts that would be the easy part. What I was most worried about was the food plan. NO CARBS FOR TWO WEEKS!!!!!! 

Now obviously there was my night out on Friday. So I’ll admit I haven’t stuck to it 100% but other then that night I’ve been eating only protein, veggies and healthy fats. And I’ve actually not found it all that hard. In fact it’s been really good for me to be a little bit more inventive with my cooking and combine things I never would have before. Here are a few of the things I’ve eaten this week…. 


But I’ve still 9 more days to get through before carbs are introduced back into the food plan. Thankfully it’s the day me and my friend Alex fly to Croatia so my diet won’t be as strict while I’m away. Can we just take a moment and appreciate this view…..this is the pool at our hotel! 😍


I plan to still eat as clean as I can for the 4 days but I’m not going to beat myself up if it doesn’t happen. Our hotel has a gym so I’ll aim to get my HIIT workouts in every day so I can indulge a little and not feel guilty. 

So until then I really need to smash the next week and a half. Aiming to get to fit body bootcamp 4 times this week and then on Saturday me and my BBG midlands beauties are London bound for Kayla’s bootcamp tour!! So excited to see the girls, get another workout in and see and hopefully meet Kayla in person. 

So time for me to hit the hay….it’s way past my bedtime and I’ve another busy week ahead. Night night all xxx 

P.S this is my amazing cheat meal from Friday night 🙈

Fit body bootcamp

Two weeks ago I got my ‘ready to fight’ attitude back. I was all raring to go with the gym, healthy eating and no more negativity. I started well. I signed up to some free trials of Fit Body Bootcamp’s HIIT circuit training sessions.


I found them on Facebook after seeing an advert for a 6 week transformation program. Now even I know 6 weeks is not long enough to drop the weight, get fit and tone up but it’d be a damn good start. So I gave a few of their sessions ago and really enjoyed them. 

The sessions are 30 minutes of high intensity style exercises. Mostly body weight exercises like burpees, push ups, squats, lunges etc. So very much what I’m used to after doing BBG. You do each exercise flat out for 30 seconds or a minute and take a short 5-10 second rest inbetween. Half an hour seems like nothing but believe me it’s one hell of a sweat session and it’s designed to get your body burning calories even after your done with the workout. The set up is basic but works. No fancy gym equipment other then some weights, battle ropes and some TRX bands. The groups are small and the trainers push you and make you work hard. I knew after a couple of sessions this was for me! 


So I decided to sign up to the next 6 week challenge which starts tomorrow! I’ll write more about it as the weeks go on but in a nutshell it’s 6 weeks of as many boot camp sessions you can do (I’m going to aim for 4-5 a week), a simple and effective food plan and trainers keep you on track and answer all your questions in the sessions and via a private Facebook group. 

As I had a week between my free sessions and the 6 week program starting up, I decided last week i’d just hit the gym to keep me ticking over until tomorrow. Unfortunately after a very fun bank holiday weekend with friends I had a car accident which left me quite sore and not feeling too great. I wasn’t badly hurt and the car can be fixed but it’s been a pain trying to get it sorted and to have to put the gym on hold. Oh and by the way….it wasn’t even my fault!!!! 

Anyway what’s done is done and I need to look to tomorrow and focus on the next step. This morning we had our induction to the 6 week program. I met the other ladies and the trainer, Oli (he also runs fit body bootcamp) and we had a good old chat about mindset. This has always been a big thing for me, mainly the reason I fail so often and have to keep restarting. Oli really made us think about the importance of mindset and how it can have a negative and positive impact on your fitness journey. In order to succeed I need to change my thinking and get rid of as much negativity as I can. My depression will not help me there but I’m hoping that by getting back into a good routine the endorphins and energy boost will help keep those negative thoughts at bay. It’s about breaking the cycle for me…I’ve done it before so I know I can do it again. 


After the induction I went and met my fitness friend Becca who I met through Instagram earlier this year. She joined me for the free bootcamp sessions last week. I’ve appointed her as chief motivator to keep me on track. She works her ass off at home and in the gym, sometimes twice a day. The progress she has made is amazing and she is a massive inspiration to me. Anyway we went for a lovely walk around a local park that until today never knew even existed lol! The sun was shining, we talked about all things fitness and we got a bit of a sweat on! It was lovely and we said we would try to make it a weekly event. 


Now although the 6 week program kicks off tomorrow, I’m away for a couple of days for work so they’ve suggested I start on Wednesday. However, I still intend to hit the hotel gym tomorrow and start the clean eating where possible. I’m generally ok with eating healthy when I need to but, for the first two weeks of this program carbs are banned. I am a little worried about that as my inner carb whore will no doubt struggle. But I want results so I need to do what is required. Like I said though, I officially start Wednesday so I’ll do what I can over the next two days but I won’t give myself a hard time if the odd potato ends up on my plate! 

Time for me to get some sleep now. I’ve an early start tomorrow and a busy week ahead!! 

Get back up and fight 

I’ve just finished reading Khloe Kardashian’s Strong looks better naked. Never thought I’d find myself turning to a Kardashian for inspiration but life is full of surprises. I loved her book. She shared her thoughts on how to make yourself a stronger and better person…inside and out. 

A lot of what she said resonated with me and although when you have a mental illness it’s not as simple as pick yourself and move forward….her get back up and fight attitude really made me rethink where I am right now. 

As I said in my last post I’m doing ok. What I’d like though, is to be doing better then ok. I’ve been knocked down many times and have got back up again so I know that I have it in me (somewhere) to do the same again. 

Depression can sometimes become a dark comfort. A place where it’s ok to be negative. A bubble of sadness where no one can hurt you because, well, you’re already in pain. It’s a ‘safe’ place where you don’t have to try anymore. I’ll admit, sometimes it’s just easier to hide there. But how’s that helping anyone? Simple. It’s not. 

So….I need to get back up and fight. No one else is going to save me. No one else can help me heal. No one else can bring me back to life. It’s all down to me. 


I loved this paragraph in Khloe’s book. It really made me think. Ok so for me it takes a little extra help….I can’t just pick myself up and dust myself off. Medication and therapy is required…but that’s ok isn’t it?! Im unwell, I have an illness that will never completely go away. So getting back up after a stumble for me is a lot harder. But I know I can do it. It just takes time, strength and self belief. You have to want it or it won’t happen. 

3 weeks ago I was wishing my life was over. Today, I can see a little light again. I’m not sure whether it’s in me or lighting the way forward but I’m just glad it’s there. I’m ready to get back up and fight X 

I’m sorry….I just can’t cope right now 

The title of this post might be a bit misleading as I think I’m actually doing ok at the moment. I’m getting out of bed, going to work (and actually doing work most days) and maintaining a fairly normal home life….by that I mean I still remember to feed my dog, occasionally cook a meal and of course help my mum around the house. Not going to lie, I’ve not been the best help….but I’m doing what I can. Depression is exhausting and for those that don’t quite get it it might just sound like an excuse to be lazy but seriously….sometimes I can’t even be bothered to get up and go to the bathroom to pee I’m so tired. I just wanted to talk about how hard it can be at times even when we show to others we are ok. 

Tiredness comes in different forms. There’s the obvious just wanting to sleep a lot. I like to be in bed by 9 these days. Any later and the stress starts to kick in. Not sure why because for the last few weeks I’ve actually been sleeping ok. But….bed is where I want to be. There are also often days where I end up napping on the couch. I was never much of a napper but it’s becoming quite a regular thing for me…especially at weekends.

And then there’s the mental tiredness. Where you can’t sleep but you can’t function. The brain just says no. And in all honesty…when that happens, all I want is to hide under my duvet. Unfortunately that’s not always possible so I have to push through it and get on with my day. 

Having a mental illness sucks. Because nobody can see it. It’s just there and it comes and goes without warning. sometimes there are triggers, sometimes you just wake up and you want the ground to swallow you up. That’s how it is for me anyway. 

The thoughts that go through my head sometimes, are beyond ridiculous. I know that. But I feel them. And most of the time I believe them. Those demons are a pain in the ass!!!

On a good day I find distractions….I keep busy, work is good, I chat with family and friends and I watch tv until my eyes no longer stay open. I like those days, no time to think. No time for demons. 

But there are bad days. Obviously. On those days even the fact that I’ve woken up destroys me. And then I have to deal with the day, deal with people, go to work……function. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. It’s. Just. Not. Fun. 

My mum said to me the other day. Everyone goes through bad times, you just need to learn to cope better. I can understand where she’s coming from…but here’s the thing. On an average day I’m already trying to fight my way through, cope with things that others wouldn’t even give a second thought to…I’m trying my hardest to survive. So….when something bad happens, I fall. Because I’m all spent on the ok days. I have no energy left for the tough times. I give up. I fall apart. I crumble. 

Mental health is different for everyone that suffers. For me it’s a daily battle to beat the demons and make it to the next sunrise. 

I didn’t ask for this, I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone and I hope that this post helps people realise how horrible this can be. 

Previous Older Entries Next Newer Entries

Follow Shaena's Stuff on WordPress.com
%d bloggers like this: