6 x 6 = ? 

36!!! Thirty bloody six!!! How the hell did that happen?? I’m not there yet…but it’s less then 2 weeks away and I’m totally freaking out!! 

Every year I tell myself…this year will be different. This year you will do things. This will be your year, Shaena. It never is. Ever year passes and I feel like barely survived. Don’t get me wrong…good things have happened this year. Really good things. Toby came into my life, my little sister came home for Christmas, my best friend got married in the Alps and I got to go to the wedding, I had a fabulous holiday in Croatia with said best friend, I fell in love, I spent some quality time with my parents and I made it this far…. I made it to t-minus 12 days to my 36th birthday! 

But amongst all of that good stuff, as always there have bumps….obstacles….a lot of crap. Some of these things were as small as speed humps in the road. A sort of…ugh….that was annoying and slowed me down. Sometimes they were a bit bigger. I’d get stuck there for a day or two and needed to rest before I could get over them and carry on. And then there were the road blocks. That stopped me dead in my tracks. I fell to the ground and stayed there for days…sometimes longer. Wanting to give up but hearing the voices of all of the people that cared about me to keep on trying. Asking me to pick myself up, gather all my strength and destroy that road block! 

I did. It worked. I’m still here.

So how am I doing? Ok I guess. Work is crazy busy and I’m still doing my sessions with fit body bootcamp but not as much as I’d like to. I haven’t done any sessions at home which I’m disappointed with but I’m so tired all the time. Some times physically but most of the time mentally. I do have one exciting thing happening at the moment though…I’m in the process of buying a house. Never thought I’d say that…me, buy a house. But it’s happening….and fingers crossed all being well I’ll have a lovely little home for me and Toby to move into before Christmas. 

I guess that’s something to be proud of. Although it would no be happening without the help of bank of mum and dad. What would I do without them! They keep me going, they support me when I’m struggling and they fight for me even harder then I do for myself at times. 

So 36….what do you have in store for me? Good things I hope…and for the not so good I hope I’ve got it in me to get through another year X 

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Eat, sleep and move ❤️

This time last week I was on holiday countdown….how can it be that it’s all over already?! Alex and I had the best time….Croatia is a beautiful place and I definitely want to go back there again! Here are just a few pictures from our trip…


So anyway….back to reality and back to work tomorrow! Oddly I’m not feeling too sad about it to be honest. As much as we didn’t want to leave I made sure that I didn’t let the post holiday blues spiral and kill my positive attitude. I was tired when I got home today but dragged my ass to FBBC this evening and got back on it!!! 

Just want to go back to this time last week again. The Tuesday before I flew out to Croatia I had a little progress review with Oli from FBBC. We had a chat about how I was getting on and discussed my goals in more depth. I know my goals are realistic and achievable because I’ve done it before but we meeded to figure out why I couldn’t make the habits stick. There were a few different reasons but the two big ones for me were balance and my mental health struggles. 

First Oli talked me through what he called the depression triangle… 


I mean it’s pretty obvious really….eat well, exercise and give your body the rest it needs by getting a decent nights sleep! When I’m in this routine if you like, everything feels good. I’m brighter, more energetic and the depression leaves me alone. However, when any of these slip for more then a few days that’s when I’m in trouble. So I need to keep on top of these 3 things which I know I can do but I have to avoid burnout. 

That brings me onto balance. The reason my healthy habits won’t stick is because I’m an all or nothing kinda girl. I’ll workout like a crazy person for weeks/months at a time but then all of a sudden it’ll stop. I get exhausted so I start with a rest day,which turns into a few rest days and then all of a sudden 2 weeks have gone by and I don’t even know where my training shoes are anymore! Same goes for food….ill be pretty strict with myself and then I’ll just binge for a week. So the routine starts to fall apart and before you know depression is knocking at my door again with its friends; self loathing, failure and what’s the point. The sleepless nights kick in and everything just falls apart. 

So how do I avoid that? Well, Oli asked how many times a week I wanted to train. I said 5….he looked at me and said “no more then 3!” I must have looked horrified because he then said…”ok then, 4″. But then he asked me to think about it on a larger scale rather then focus on a week. He suggested that I work on the basis that there are 4 weeks in a month (roughly) so multiply that by 4 sessions and you have 16. So I have to aim for 16 sessions a month but keep the routine flexible. This way if I’m too busy at work or having too much on one week I can just get a couple of sessions in. But on a quieter week I might do 5 or 6. This made much more sense to me and hopefully will help me avoid that “I messed up because I didn’t make it to Monday’s session” feeling. 

So now the holiday is out of the way it’s time to get on and smash my goals whilst hopefully remaining positive, energetic and balanced. 


So off to bed now to get at least 8 hours sleep….so I can conquer the world tomorrow 💕

HIIT, hens and holidays 

Oh my goodness…what a week!!! It’s 4.30am on a Sunday and I can’t get back to sleep. So I thought I may as well get my blog on and fill you in on the crazy week I’ve had! 

There was a lot of back and forth from Northampton. I was attending court there for work. So there were some long days….and the nature of the trial resulted in some emotional and mentally draining times. It was pretty exhausting…..

(Fell asleep again…continuing this before bed now 😂)

On Friday I was back in the office but it was still a hectic day. I had lots of little things to do and that evening I was out with the girls from work for a joint hen do. I’d organized it so was a little stressed out as most of it was a surprise but the evening went well and I think everyone had a good night. 


After brunch with my friend Natalie on Saturday I headed home and have had a pretty quiet weekend since. For some reason I’m still exhausted though…

Anyway so this was also week 1 of my 6 week fit body bootcamp challenge. Now because I was away Monday night in Northampton I was advised to start on the Wednesday. However although i didn’t start the food plan until then I still got in a mini HIIT workout in my hotel room on Monday night and I made it back in time for a bootcamp session on Tuesday! 


So how’s it going??? Well…surprisingly okay actually. I made it to 3 sessions this week and of course there was my Monday evening sweat session in my room. But I knew once my body got over the initial shock over the intense workouts that would be the easy part. What I was most worried about was the food plan. NO CARBS FOR TWO WEEKS!!!!!! 

Now obviously there was my night out on Friday. So I’ll admit I haven’t stuck to it 100% but other then that night I’ve been eating only protein, veggies and healthy fats. And I’ve actually not found it all that hard. In fact it’s been really good for me to be a little bit more inventive with my cooking and combine things I never would have before. Here are a few of the things I’ve eaten this week…. 


But I’ve still 9 more days to get through before carbs are introduced back into the food plan. Thankfully it’s the day me and my friend Alex fly to Croatia so my diet won’t be as strict while I’m away. Can we just take a moment and appreciate this view…..this is the pool at our hotel! 😍


I plan to still eat as clean as I can for the 4 days but I’m not going to beat myself up if it doesn’t happen. Our hotel has a gym so I’ll aim to get my HIIT workouts in every day so I can indulge a little and not feel guilty. 

So until then I really need to smash the next week and a half. Aiming to get to fit body bootcamp 4 times this week and then on Saturday me and my BBG midlands beauties are London bound for Kayla’s bootcamp tour!! So excited to see the girls, get another workout in and see and hopefully meet Kayla in person. 

So time for me to hit the hay….it’s way past my bedtime and I’ve another busy week ahead. Night night all xxx 

P.S this is my amazing cheat meal from Friday night 🙈

The Kayla Movement 

So I survived week one of 2016!! Go me!🙌🏽  

To be honest it wasn’t so bad. I went back to work on Monday and it was really nice to be back in the office without feelings of paranoia, nausea and tiredness. I got stuck into my work again and it was good to back into the office banter with my colleagues. 

I also went back to the gym on Wednesday. I was dreading it to be honest. Almost a month of being sat at home doing next to nothing topped with 3 weeks of festive indulgence has certainly helped me pile on the lbs!! Needless to say I feel gross. But I have no one to blame for that except myself and the only way to change it is to get back in that gym, start working my ass off (quite literally) and get on the clean eating train!! 

  
So I decided to take things easy last week whilst I decided what I need to do long term. I eased myself back in with a couple of gentle cardio sessions and an hour of badminton with work. I felt a little lost if I’m honest. I’ve joined a completely new gym and with me being back at the start with my fitness I felt out of my depth. Like a complete newbie. My confidence is all but gone and I think I might even be at my heaviest weight ever. I guess I will find that out on Tuesday when I go for my fitness assessment…not excited!!! 😖

So what am I going to do about this? I’m going to stop the excuses, stop skipping workouts, stop eating crap and I’m going to sort my shit out!! 

  
 Tomorrow The Kayla Movement 2016 begins. BBG girls all over the world are starting their 12 weeks together…some like me are starting from the beginning while others might be on round 2 of BBG2. Either way we are all in it together and that’s why I love the BBG community. I have made some amazing friends because of Kayla Itsines and her fitness guides. Knowing these girls have my back and are there supporting me every step of the way makes me even more determined not to quit this time. I want to make them proud as much as I want to make myself proud. I know I’ve tried this guide a few times already and barely made it past week 3 but this time it’s different. This time I’m more focused and I want it way more then any of the other times I’ve started. To make it easier I’ve purchased the Sweat with Kayla app to following the guides properly, keep track of my progress and incorporate the healthy eating guides as well. 

  
I’m excited to get going with BBG tomorrow and I want to get back to doing my favourite gym classes like spin, body pump and body combat eventually too. But I know that the answer to keeping the demons away doesn’t just lie with exercising and being healthy. I need to find other ways too. Do other things that I find enjoyable. This is where my happiness planner comes in. My sister bought me this for Christmas. It’s brilliant. Rather then planning out my whole year this scales it down to 100 days. This is perfect for anyone who needs a fresh start at any point during the year. You set weekly goals, record your daily moments, what you’ve eaten, what you’ve been grateful for, any daily activities and what your hopes for the next day are. It lets you take things step by step, day by day and helps you focus on the little things which are sometimes the most important. So later this evening I will be filling out the rest of my planner ready for day 1 of happiness 😊

  
So one last big thing that happened this week. Me and my BBG girls have a group whatsapp chat to talk about all things Kayla. It’s where we discuss our monthly meet ups, our over spending on gym clothes, food stories and such like. So on Thursday our queen organiser, Lisa posted the schedule of dates for the New York BBG meet ups. The girls over there have been meeting up for a while now and have their full 2016 schedule all sorted. I’m pretty sure Lisa only posted it is a sort of joke but somehow all of a sudden we started discussing if we could actually go. Fast forward 5 hours and six of us are suddenly booking flights and accommodation to NYC for the BBG meet up in November!!!! 😆

  
Call us crazy, call us mad – we don’t care because we are going to New York City baby!!!!! Me, Lisa, Laura, Ceri, Harriett and Lauren….we wish we could take all the other girls with us too!!!! I literally cannot wait. And this is another reason that I intend work through the next 12 weeks, no matter how hard they are. And then after that I’ll do another 12…and maybe another! I am officially on the Kayla train and this time I’m not getting off!!! 💪🏽

It’s hard to explain 

So it seems I’m not quite feeling all that better still. Last few days have been hard. I can’t explain why. I’m either feeling nothing at all or my head is full of non stop thoughts and I can’t switch off.

Today I went back to see my GP. I think she knew straight away I wasn’t feeling good. When she asked how I’d been I broke down.

I didn’t have a proper answer I just knew I wasn’t good.

After a chat we decided it was time to try some new medication. However this means as I come off one and switch to the other I’m going to feel worse before I get better. Because of that and the fact I feel shit already she’s signed me off work for another week.

So again the feelings of guilt, frustration and letting people down. I don’t choose to feel like this and it worries me that people think I’m just making excuses. But the reality is that when getting yourself out of bed every morning is the hardest thing to do, when you can’t sleep at night because you are constantly worrying what’s wrong with you and when you start cutting yourself off from the people that care…there’s something wrong. It’s not pretend. It’s unexplainable but it’s real. It’s an illness that I have fight against some days harder then others!

What I’ve struggled with lately are the people that care. I’m so lucky to have so many people that worry and want to understand. But trying to explain is hard work. And although talking helps sometimes I just don’t want to. So for everyone out there that has reached out to me, I’m grateful I really am. But don’t get offended if you don’t always hear back straightaway. And don’t worry. I’m doing what I need to and I know you are all there for me. But some days I need some alone time. And for those that want to see me, that’s ok too. I like the company but I might just be a bit quiet.

I spoke to my parents earlier and my Dad said I should write about how I’m feeling at the moment and how other people’s concern and is affecting me. Like I said I’m lucky to have you all around me but just know that it’s something I need to work through on my own. Give me time, be patient please and I promise the real Shaena will return soon xxx 

Guilt 

Guilt is a massive part of my experience with depression. I feel guilty about not being able  to focus on my job. I feel guilty about stressing out my friends and family. And worst of all I feel guilty about not being strong enough to get through this. 

My weekend was good and bad. I had a really nice day out with a friend on Saturday. Then caught up with Sehar when I got home. But as always the good moments are normally followed by a bad ones. I feel guilty that I’ve enjoyed myself and I generally fall into a hole afterwards.

Thankfully I have progressed enough to call out for help when I need it. My friend came over and stayed with me Saturday night. And I spoke to my parents a lot. They keep asking if I need them to come home. Maybe I do need them more then I realize but I want them to have the break that they deserve. Plus my little arrives next week so that’s keeping me going. 

I’ve also had so much love from my BBG girls who I should have caught up with yesterday. But I couldn’t face it. Getting out of bed was a struggle. But I know they are there for me and it’s just lovely to know I have some great people around me. 

Depression is a vicious circle. You feel bad and guilty about everything. Which then just makes you feel even worse then you already do. I’m sorry my posts aren’t very uplifting at the moment (there goes the guilt again) but it helps me to write about it. I hope that soon I’ll have more positive stuff to say xx 

Hey ho, hey ho…. 

Friday evening…ahhhhhh!!! It might sound like I’ve had a stressful week. But actually it’s been ok. I had a few days off again at the start of the week so I could focus on my therapy sessions and not throw myself into everything all at once. But on Wednesday I went back to work.

I’m not gonna lie. The night before I was very anxious. I didn’t sleep great at all. The drive in on Wednesday morning was even worse. I had all these ideas in my head about how awkward it was going to be. Would people be weird with me, treat me differently? I honestly didn’t think I’d last more then an hour!! But I walked in and all of a sudden those fears vanished and I felt like almost at home. My team greeted me and there was no fuss which is just what I needed. Just like any other day in work! 🙂

And since then it’s been fine. The break must have done the trick because work no longer feels an effort or a chore. I’ve not quite gotten to my full working potential yet but I’m happy to be back and I feel like I’m getting back on track.

I’m so blessed with the people I have around me at work. I’ve said it so many times but I’ll say it again. My colleagues are awesome. They make me laugh, they make me feel comfortable and they let me be who I am. If I need a hug, I’ll get one. If I need a chat, there’s always someone there. And if I just need to be left alone, I can get my space.

I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve been in a workplace where I feel supported, understood and even loved. 💜

Pause 

Drained. That’s me today. The last few days have been great but have really taken it out of me. After a lovely weekend in Stratford I jumped back into my fitness regime with a body pump class on Monday morning at my new gym and then did my BBG week 3 workout when I got home that evening. It felt good!

I also started the second of my group therapy sessions on Monday afternoon. Like the other one it went really well and I enjoyed it. There were only two of us who attended but it didn’t matter. Was just nice to share our experiences and feelings and know we are not alone.

Yesterday I went to the 3rd session of the other group. The ladies there are so lovely I feel so relaxed and comfortable talking with them 🙂

It’s Diwali in the Hindu calendar today. So I should be celebrating with friends and family but instead I’m sat on the couch, under my blanket watching a DVD. I’ll come back to why later. Somebody at work suggested those who celebrate the festival and anyone else who wished to contribute mark the occasion with a food feast at lunch time. So last night I spent the evening cooking away with the help of two of my friends from work. Had a lovely evening, laughing, eating and just feeling happy.

Today was a struggle. I felt tired all day. I had to go to Northampton for work. It felt like a very long drive there and back for a task that took very little time. My colleague and I were fighting to stay awake on the drive home. But I like those kind of trips because we get to talk shit in the car for a few hours and it’s always nice to get of the office for a day.

Anyway tonight I was supposed to go round a family friends for Diwali dinner but I just wasn’t feeling it. The drive home from the office was a mission. I couldn’t even face the gym! So sadly I had to decline my invite and instead I’m having a lazy evening at home.

I felt bad at first but then I was reminded of something that was discussed at my group yesterday. When things get too much, when you get tired or when you just can’t keep going. Pause. Take time out for yourself to allow yourself to get back on track. So that’s what I’m doing tonight. Resting my body and resting my mind.

So tomorrow is the Hindu new year. I intend to chill out tonight and regroup. And tomorrow I’ll start over. That’s what New Year’s Day is for after all 😉   

Shaena time 

So yesterday was my birthday. My original plans were to escape to Bath for a few days away with one of my besties. Sadly, she had to cancel last week. It was an unfortunate situation and we were both gutted. However, in the end I actually had a really lovely day.

I spent the morning opening my cards and presents and then my lovely Dad made me breakfast. Egg and soldiers….who says you have to have a grown up breakfast on your 35th birthday?! 🙊 I then went to the gym with my Mum for a kettle bell workout. Gotta keep up with the fitness regime! Good job really as I continued feasting for the rest of the day haha!

Lunch was with my folks at one of the black country’s finest pubs for pie and chips…yum!!! Then after a little afternoon rest I headed into town to join some of my work friends for dinner and drinks. When they found out my original plans had fallen through they rallied round and organized a lovely evening for me. It was a lovely end to a lovely day 😍

I’d already had the days booked off from work so I decided not to waste them. So…..today I checked into a spa hotel for some quality me time. I plan on doing what I want when I want and have a relaxing, chilled out day. I think it’s important to make time for yourself once in a while. Weekends tend to get full up with house chores, social events and spending time with people. And when you do book the day off work you end up doing the same. So I decided this was the best way to have a proper day off and just think about me for once.

So I’m off for a swim now and hitting the sauna after….byeee! 🙋🏽 x 

I’m still here :)

Holy cow it’s been a while. I had great intentions to start 2015 with a positive blog write up with all my plans and goals for this coming year but it just didn’t quite happen. Every week I’ve thought to myself ‘must write something soon’ but time just got away from me and all of a sudden we’re creeping up to the end of February…wtf??? I have been busy though…not just sat around on my ass being lazy I promise. So what’s been happening…?!

Well I had a crazy christmas catching up with friends. It was a lot of fun but tough at times with not having my family around. But I was blessed to have spent it with some amazing friends who got me through the festive period 🙂

January was non stop. Straight back into work. Working on a new case and it’s been hard going but so interesting. I had a couple weeks off from the gym over the hols but knowing my trip Down Under was edging ever closer I got straight back into it in Jan. My PT started me off with a fitness test my first session back and despite the festive including I was pleased to find not only had I lost weight and dropped my body fat percentage I had also smashed my press ups, plank hold, wall sit and sit ups goals!! Go me!!! 🙂

Since then I’ve fallen back into a nice routine. Three PT sessions a week and couple of spin classes too. Work has been crazy with training days, exams and other stuff so I am in desperate need for a break. The weather has taken its toll on me too. I have really struggled with the cold and miserable winter days. It’s really gotten me down at times and I’ve found it hard to pick myself and keep going. I think it’s safe to say I’m in desperate for some warm sunshine and proper break!! So thankfully just before Christmas I finally booked my flights to OZ and NZ and I will be on my way really soon!! 10 sleeps to be exact!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!

I literally cannot wait to get on that plane and see my friends and family. Since the day I left I’ve been praying for the day I’d be able to go back and see everyone again and now it’s actually happening!!! However I have sooo much to do before I go. Holiday shopping, tie up a lot of loose ends in work and most importantly work off my ass in the gym.

My fitness regime has become such a massive part of my life these last few months. I’ve had some tough days but mostly it’s changed me for the better. When I left Oz I was over weight, depressed and beyond unhealthy. I’m by no means a skinny mini now (still love my food way too much lol) but I know I’m a hell of a lot fitter, stronger, happier and healthier. I’ve made these changes for myself obviously but it’s still important to me that everyone see the positive change in me when I go back. So although it’s been a wobbly start to the year I am so excited about what’s around the corner. Not just my holiday but all of my other plans for the year ahead….which I will fill you in on soon 😉 x

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