Anxiety

I’ve never really understood anxiety before because I’ve never had it. The odd panic attack, years ago. But nothing for a while. Until a few months back….when all of a sudden it literally just hit me. Right in the face.

I was out with my team one afternoon and all of a sudden I felt the need to run away. Now, you might think that’s not weird when you’re with people from work. But my team are like my family. I love them…we are very close and to be honest when I feel shit I go to work knowing that they will get me through my day.

So this anxiety attack thankfully didn’t last all that long. But it still worried me. I don’t where it came from or why…. and then about a month later it happened again. Funnily enough before another work social event. But this time it was worse. It was the night before and I couldn’t breathe. My friend had to call me and calm me down. I couldn’t not go because it was a leaving do for someone on my team and I’d organised it.

Anyway I went, I survived and I didn’t freak out in the end.

What I hate is that it’s becoming a common occurrence. I have plans for something and then a few days before the anxiety kicks in. This weekend just gone, I was seeing my girls in Nottingham. Just a night in. And yet as it got closer I started to stress. I nearly bailed on going. And yet I got there and aside from the odd meltdown which I think only happened because I know they get me and understand….it was absolutely fine.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. But I think it was mainly just to say this anxiety stuff is new to me. It’s presenting itself in situations I would never have imagined and it can be really scary. And I’m sorry for anyone who has to deal with this on a daily basis.

To end with a positive….I got the biggest hugs off this lot at the weekend ❤️

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Toby

Been laying in bed awake since 4am. Trying to figure out what has happened. 

I got Home on Tuesday evening and Toby decided to bound up the stairs, settle himself on my bed in my newly decorated room….and die! 

Like, seriously???? Wtf?!? 

No, Tobes…that wasn’t part of the deal. You weren’t supposed to leave me like that. 

We’ve lost pets before. But this time, it hurts more than I can even begin to explain. I got Toby because I needed to fill a void in my life. Not only did he fill it…he overtook it. 

He was the most beautiful soul. So gentle and so loving and like his momma…anxiety ridden and loved to sleep. 

I haven’t posted in a while but I felt that my boy needed a mention. I miss you Tobes…we all miss you. Hope you’re having a good sleep sugar xxx 

Frazzled 

That’s how I feel right now. Frazzled. I’ve gone from feeling up beat and positive to let me cry and sleep for the next 2 weeks…at least. 

Nothing bad is happening but my mind is on over drive and my days are going from mediocre to horrendous. A couple of days ago I could barely function at work and when I got home I felt like I was running on empty. Toby was being a shit for a start and after I finished yelling/crying at him I had to deal with everything else. Everything else involved tidying up, cooking dinner and just getting myself in a position where I was ready for the next day. Doesn’t sound terrible at all but I was drained. I had no energy left. I nearly fell asleep at the kitchen table at 6pm! 

Thankfully I talked to my friends….they listened, they told me what I needed to do and they got me through the night. So pulled up my girl pants and got on with it. And I survived…woop!! 

I’ve felt so much better since then but I’m still not quite on track. The gym will not be seeing my face this week as I can’t even think about that right now. Last night I barely slept because I was either in the bathroom or laying in bed having minor anxiety episodes about things that aren’t even that big a deal. 

I’m a worrier. An over thinker. And a general stress head. I don’t have anything particularly massive going on right now but that doesn’t mean my mind doesn’t go into over drive at times. My parents are back next week and I can’t wait to see them. I think a lot of what’s going on with me is related to that. I know that things will get easier when they’re home but I feel like the build up is weirdly stressing me out. I can’t explain why, but it just is. 

I do have a lot to get in order for their return. Mainly cleaning 🙄. But why that’s stressing me out I don’t know. I’ve got a catch up with some of my girls on Saturday night and whilst in one of my anxiety episodes last night I nearly cancelled on them. But I thankfully had a change of heart today and realized a time out with friends who get me and support me is something I probably need right now. 

So anyway, I’m really trying my best to switch off from the worrying thoughts and chill out this week. I’m doing better but my annoying mind likes to make things hard for me at times. But I will persevere, fight the evil voices and find that positivity again to get me through the weekend. And then as of Tuesday I have my folks back. And I’m not ashamed to say…that even at the age of 36, I cannot bloody wait!!!! 

Sort your shit out Shaena 

Like, what was that last blog even about?! Sorry….it was a random realization in my head that I had to write down. 

Anyways my gorgeous honey H, reminded me that I am now less then 2 weeks away from my holiday to NYC!!! I won’t lie, it’s stressing me out like nobody’s business….but I know I’ll be fine once we are there. 

It’s been a month since the cottage weekend with my beauties and honestly….I still feel pants. I have a couple of OK days and then feel wiped out again. I have no idea what’s wrong with me but I’m seriously bored of feeling this tired, exhausted and crappy all the time. And whatever it is had better jog on before I get on that plane to the big apple!!! 

I’m in a weird place right now. I’m feeling a little lost, very overwhelmed, heartbroken (still) and anxious. All these things are leaving me drained, demotivated and a bit of a social recluse! 

People tell me I’m strong, but at times like these I don’t feel it. If I could, I’d hide away under the duvet forever!!! 

So anyway…..New York, if you’re listening. Please bring me back to life….I need to be reminded that life is magical and worth getting out of bed for xx 

The truth 

Sometimes it’s hard to hear….but maybe the only way to move on is accept it. 

Pause. Regroup. Restart. 

I had a meltdown a few weeks back. I don’t really know why. It just happened. I got back from the gym one night and just couldn’t stop crying. I think a lot of it was over tiredness but I’d had an emotional week at work as well and loads of other things going on. Everything just got too much and I broke. 

Since then I’ve just been taking each day as it comes. I stopped the gym. For a while I was disappointed with myself, but then I realised I was doing the right thing for me. My head wasn’t in the right place at the time. I needed to cut back…on everything. So I kept it simple. I got up, I went to work, I came home, ate dinner and then I went to bed. It’s all I could cope with. 

There’s been a lot of Netflix as I mentioned in my last post. If anyone wants any documentary recommendations just let me know….I’ve gotten through so many. But there’s also been a lot of contemplating. Thinking about my life and where I am. 

Firstly I’m over weight…again! I saw it happening but I wasn’t in the right headspace to do anything about it. My focus was just to get through each day. The absence of exercise coupled with eating crap has taken it toll and this morning after changing my outfit 5 times I knew that enough was enough. 

Add to that my relapse with the blue eyed boy. I let him get to me again and inevitably, hurt me again. 

These things, little as they may seem, when piled on me together, leave me feeling hopeless, worthless and well….just a bit shitty. I’ve had my meds increased again which sometimes makes me feel like I’m failing. Stupid really because if you go to the doctor because your back pain has gotten worse you wouldn’t think twice of upping your pain meds. So that’s what I’m doing….trying to eleviate the ‘pain’. 

I’ve got a busy few days ahead as of tomorrow. Family wedding and a trip to Manchester to see two of my fave northern birds. But once the weekend is over the focus is back on me. 

I need to start eating better, I need to get some sort of exercise back in my life and I just need to start looking after number one. And I’ve decided that I’m not going to use social media as a help guide anymore. What was once motivation for me is now becoming destructive. I see where others are and compare myself. Why am I still single, why can’t I get fit and healthy, why did I only get 5 likes for that post, why is everyone happier and better then me?! It’s ridiculous now I’ve said it but that’s what goes through my mind way too often. So from now on I will only follow and take in the people that fill me with love, support and positivity. 

It’s time to get my head together. It’s time to focus on what’s important. And it’s time to restart. 

House for one please! 

My house purchase is far from final but as it could potentially be complete in the next 2 months I need to start thinking of how I’m going to fill my new home. 
I started to make a little list over the last week or so. Stuff that I really need in my new house…and the stuff that can wait. 

Necessities:

• bed

• washing machine 

• wardrobe 

• kettle, toaster, iron (+board) 

• dinner set 

Doesn’t sound much but when you add up the cost…..jeez!!! I’m lucky that a few things the current owners are leaving behind and mum and dad are giving me stuff which they no longer need so it’s not like I have nothing. But I still need a few things to get me started and it ain’t gonna be cheap. 

So this is the reality of single person house buying. Finding a nice place I could afford a mortgage for on my own was just the first hurdle. Now I need to buy all this stuff. I’m going to be poor forever!!!

Obviously lots of people do it but I’m sure most people buy their first place with someone whether it be a partner or relative or whatever. It must make it so much easier to furnish a place when there are at least two of you. At first I thought being on my own I wouldn’t need as much stuff. But it’s not like I can buy half a bed or a one person dinner set…I still need to spend pretty much the same as two people would on home furnishings and appliances. 
So how will I do it? Well for starters I’ll probably have no life. And I guess my priorities with money will be so different. 

My parents were confused as to why I don’t have many savings. But honestly I think when you’re single you just end up spending more money. If you live alone you can save by staying in more often and cut back on the social life. But then you have the danger of becoming a social recluse. If you live with someone at least you can stay in with another person. And buying food for one isn’t easy either….you end up wasting a lot of stuff or eating the same meals for lunch and dinner on consecutive days. And bills, I don’t think you’d use much more electricity or gas being a two but at least you can split the cost. 

I don’t mean to be woe is me…little miss singleton. But the reality is that it’s harder on your own. But what’s the alternative…live at home waiting in vain to find someone I can do all this with? Or bite the bullet and just do it on my own?! 

I really am excited about finally get my own place. But the thought of it is also a bit daunting. But you know what…it’ll be mine. Just mine. My first house funded by me (and a little bit by my parents 🙈). 

LIFE

I’m in bed at the moment continuing my addiction to documentaries….for the last few weeks I’ve watched the majority of Netflix docos that have had a 4 star plus  rating. Not going to lie…I have a weird fascination when it comes to crime based docos….especially murder ones. Not because I’m a psychopath, but I’m just intrigued by the human brain and how it can work in such a way that it allows people to think it’s ok take someone else’s life. 

Yesterday was my rest day. I’ve felt a little burnt out lately…too much going on. So I told myself that Saturday was going to be my day off. A day off from everything. I woke up as normal around 7.30am….fell asleep again….then around 9.00am I was fully awake. I turned on my tv and started on my doco journey. I stayed in bed until midday…it was great. I then had breakfast, had a shower and got dressed. And then I relocated to the sofa where I continued on my journey…. 

A few of my documentary recommendations have come from my friends at work. We seem to have regular discussions on what we have watched recently and what we should add to our lists! After this weeks conversation yesterday’s delights were mainly about death row, serial killers and gangster crime! And I wonder why I’m still single……!!!! 

Amongst all this monotonous tv viewing I had some news. Some sad news about a family member. It made me think about life. My life. Life in general. Life on earth. 

This weekend I’ve learned about so many different lives. People who have suffered, people who have killed, people who have feared for their lives and people who have given up. 

Watching the programs I did this weekend touched on so many emotions. Anger, frustration, sadness….and guilt. 

The guilt is there and will always be there. Because there have been times in my life that I’ve decided I’m done. That I just can’t be bothered to fight anymore. That it’s too much for me. I’ve put my loved ones through hell in these moments. Are they moments of selfishness? I don’t know. But what I do know is that they are moments of desperation, suffocation, hopelessness and  defeat. 

I look back with regret. But I cannot say those moments and thoughts are gone forever. I’m just doing my best to build the biggest and strongest wall between me and them.

Life is unpredictable guys. Life can be short. Life can be long. But we just don’t know how the hell its going to turn out. So do the best you can, live the best life, and don’t sit in bed watching documentaries like me xxx 

6 x 6 = ? 

36!!! Thirty bloody six!!! How the hell did that happen?? I’m not there yet…but it’s less then 2 weeks away and I’m totally freaking out!! 

Every year I tell myself…this year will be different. This year you will do things. This will be your year, Shaena. It never is. Ever year passes and I feel like barely survived. Don’t get me wrong…good things have happened this year. Really good things. Toby came into my life, my little sister came home for Christmas, my best friend got married in the Alps and I got to go to the wedding, I had a fabulous holiday in Croatia with said best friend, I fell in love, I spent some quality time with my parents and I made it this far…. I made it to t-minus 12 days to my 36th birthday! 

But amongst all of that good stuff, as always there have bumps….obstacles….a lot of crap. Some of these things were as small as speed humps in the road. A sort of…ugh….that was annoying and slowed me down. Sometimes they were a bit bigger. I’d get stuck there for a day or two and needed to rest before I could get over them and carry on. And then there were the road blocks. That stopped me dead in my tracks. I fell to the ground and stayed there for days…sometimes longer. Wanting to give up but hearing the voices of all of the people that cared about me to keep on trying. Asking me to pick myself up, gather all my strength and destroy that road block! 

I did. It worked. I’m still here.

So how am I doing? Ok I guess. Work is crazy busy and I’m still doing my sessions with fit body bootcamp but not as much as I’d like to. I haven’t done any sessions at home which I’m disappointed with but I’m so tired all the time. Some times physically but most of the time mentally. I do have one exciting thing happening at the moment though…I’m in the process of buying a house. Never thought I’d say that…me, buy a house. But it’s happening….and fingers crossed all being well I’ll have a lovely little home for me and Toby to move into before Christmas. 

I guess that’s something to be proud of. Although it would no be happening without the help of bank of mum and dad. What would I do without them! They keep me going, they support me when I’m struggling and they fight for me even harder then I do for myself at times. 

So 36….what do you have in store for me? Good things I hope…and for the not so good I hope I’ve got it in me to get through another year X 

A 6 week fling or a lifetime commitment? 

This weekend marks the end of my Fit Body Bootcamp 6 week challenge. Now admittedly when I decided to do this challenge I thought at the end of the 6 weeks I’d look in the mirror and be like “wow Shaena! You look amazing!”. Ok so that might not have happened but here are the things I’ve learned and the changes I have noticed… 

Mood and motivation 

When I started out I was still crawling out of a very dark place. My confidence was in shattered and I was not a happy bunny. As we are told over and over exercise helps release endorphins in us, lifting our mood and making us feel a lot brighter. I’ve always known this to be true but sometimes breaking out of that viscous depression cycle can be hard. When you are down your energy levels are low, your motivation is non existent and you generally just don’t want to make the effort to do anything. That’s where I was and I needed to snap out of it. Thanks to a little push from my friend Becca I signed up for my free 3 day trial with FBBC and enjoyed the sessions so much I embarked on the 6 week program. 

So have those endorphins worked their magic? Yes they have…aside from the odd down day I’ve generally felt more up beat, have more life in me and my motivation to get things done has improved not only in relation to my health and fitness but also at work. I’ve even had people comment on how much more up beat and positive I am. And on those down days I make sure to choose the dumb bells over the duvet! 

Strong not skinny

The most obvious physical change I’ve noticed in myself has been my strength. When I started out with FBBC I was back to doing push ups on my knees, the thought of just one burpee would fill me with dread and commandos….hahaha…what a joke! 

But less then 6 weeks later I’m back doing push ups on my toes (not all, but as many as I can), burpees are slow but the fear has gone and I can actually do commandos!! I’m so proud of myself for making such good progress in quite a short amount of time. I knew it was possible because I’ve done it before, but I guess with me it’s about having someone to push me and tell me that I can do it as I often give into those negative thoughts that tell me otherwise.

Balance 

Round about week 4 of the challenge I started to slip a little….or so I thought. I was still getting my workouts in but I wasn’t quite sticking to the food plan. I was still around 80% on track but I my food portions were a little off and I gave into the odd treat. But rather then feel like I failed I looked at things differently. 

For me, I didn’t want the 6 week challenge to be….well, just that I suppose. I wanted it to be something more. I wanted it to be the start of a new habit. Something that would last longer then 6 weeks…something that I would stay committed too. So the slip ups, days off, cheat meals I decided not to see them that way. Instead I decided that I would call it balance. 

Each time I embark on a new health and fitness journey, I go all or nothing. I’ve mentioned this before. I struggle to find the balance and because of that I end up getting tired, bored or I burn myself out. So to avoid the rest days that turn into rest weeks and the “fuck it” food moments that spiral out of control I will allow myself the time and space to breathe and once in a while let myself be only 80% perfect! 

Mindset 

I don’t think I need to say much about my mindset. I think everything I’ve said so far is proof enough that my mindset is where it needs to be.

Support

The most important thing I’ve learned over the last 6 weeks is that I don’t just want this to be a phase. I want this to be a permanent lifestyle change. In order to do that I don’t think I’m ready to go it alone just yet. I still need more guidance, structure and basically someone to kick my ass when I’m not sticking with the program so to speak. So I’m staying with the FBBC family for a little longer. They’ve been amazing. From Oli’s motivational emails and additional workout options, to the ever supportive ladies in the Facebook group and of course our trainers…Callam, Craig and Adam. You guys have been awesome. I may have wanted to cry at times but you guys have pushed me and made me realise I can always do just one more rep! 

So what’s next?

THE GAME CHANGER!! 

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