A permanent reminder 

This afternoon I got a new tattoo. It’s been something I’ve been thinking about for a long time…years in fact. After my first inking I promised myself I would think long and hard if I ever wanted another tattoo…because let’s face it the first one was spontaneous, meant nothing and I got it just because it was cool. Yes…I have a tramp stamp! ūüôą

Moving on swiftly….my second one was thought about. Two years I had it on mind in fact. But again it was another spontaneous moment when I was loving life as a backpacker and I was sat in a bar with my lovely friend Ashleigh on the island of Koh Phangan in Thailand and we decided to go get tattoos. And that’s exactly what we did! Thankfully I’ve never regretted it. I still love it to this day. 

For a while I wanted another tattoo. And for years it was always an elephant. I love elephants. I love how beautiful they are, how peaceful they are and what they represent in my religion. But I was never 100% convinced…because I couldn’t decide what kind of elephant and where I would even have it. 

So that idea came and went… in more recent years I’ve loved the idea of a lotus flower. I chose it as my image for my blog for what it represented. The lotus flower has many meanings, but for me it symbolizes being reborn…finding life again after a very murky and muddy existence. Because that’s where I was. In the mud. And I think I’ve finally found my way again. 

So that’s what I decided on. But I wanted to incorporate one more thing. The semi colon. An every day punctuation mark that has become an international symbol for suicide awareness. It represents the pause in a sentence…and in the world of mental health it represents a pause in someone’s life…but a life that carries on. 

I don’t want to or need to explain my choices. But for me these two symbols represent a part of me and my life and that is why I chose to have them placed on me as a permanent reminder.  

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The course of true love never did run smooth 

I’ve always tried to be as open and honest when writing my blog posts. So I intend to do the same with this one even though deep down I feel stupid, pathetic and slightly embarrassed. 

Last week I fell from cloud 9 with a huge thud. That boy I was telling you about…well, he is no more. I don’t want to go into details as the wounds are still very raw and will be for some time but the sad part is that our feelings for each other never changed. I still care deeply for him and I know he does for me too. All I can really say is that maybe it wasn’t the right time for us. 

Needless to say it hit me pretty hard. I really did think this was it. Everything seemed to fall into place perfectly only for it to fall apart just as quick. I know so many people are thinking how can I be so heartbroken over such a short relationship. Well, I didn’t expect it either. I’m not going to try and justify my feelings because it is what it is. 

So what now? Ive just been trying to pick myself back up to be honest. Until today I’ve not been all that successful. I’ve not been sleeping, I’ve felt numb and empty and all those insecurities that I’m forever trying to fight off have resurfaced. The demons have well and truly returned!! 

I wanted to give in…I really did. Not because I got dumped. But because I’m tired. Tired of being on my own. Tired of waiting for the right guy to come along. I kept but think again it’s something about me. Why can’t I just get something right? Why can’t things work out for me? I know it’s not the be all and end all in life but it is something I want and at 35 years old I’m beginning to wonder if it will ever happen for me. 

I don’t mean to sound all woe is me. I’m just trying to be honest about what’s been going on and how I’m feeling. What’s happened has stirred up a lot of dark memories and feelings from my past and I feel like I’m back at square one all over again. 

Anyway as I said I’ve been feeling very low until today. I wouldn’t say I’m feeling loads better but I did drag myself back into the gym today and I’m back on the healthy eating! Let’s face it I don’t want to be heartbroken and fat so back to being a gym bunny it is! 

Time 

Time is a great healer they say. I do believe that. Heartbreak, sad times, painful moments….given enough time these things fade and we learn to let go or move on.

But there are times when we are often reminded of those moments. Not for very long and less painful then the last time but they are still there. Today is one of those days for me.

Today I will have thoughts of regret and sadness and my heart will ache a bit. But I know now that however painful life’s lessons are they teach us things that make us stronger and braver. So I will allow myself to feel these thoughts, just for today. But tomorrow I will let it go….until the next time. 

The early days 

 

 

Had a nice chat with mum today on Skype. She’s so worried about me. Said she’s been thinking about when I was a baby or when she was carrying me and was there anything she did to make me this way. Poor mum.

We started talking about when I was little and growing up and how looking back I was never really the happiest of children. Not miserable but just not as happy as other children. We also talked about how my earliest memories as a child were all sad or negative ones. Obviously there were happy ones too but they’re not the ones that spring to mind as much.

Mum said that I was a really smart kid. But somewhere along the way I lost my confidence and maybe never really got it back. She also said I was a stress head and an over planner then. When she was pregnant with my little sister I would come home from school every day with a new name for her and desperately wanted to make sure she had a good name lol!

It’s so strange how these things kind of all add up when I look at my way of thinking now and how I feel about myself. Maybe I’ve always been a negative thinker, someone with a lack of confidence…a troubled soul.

But mum reminded me I’ve got plenty of time to change that. Now I’m dealing with and getting help for my problems doesn’t mean to say I have to stay this way. I just need to keep going, not give up and convince myself that even I’m worthy of some happiness in my life. 

I’m tired¬†

Im tired today. Actually I’ve been tired for quite a while now. That’s what depression does…it makes you tired. You see, it’s not just a case of feeling flat, sad and numb. Yes those things are definitely part of it, but I think those sorts of feelings surface more when you submerge yourself in the depression. When you stop trying, when you start giving into it, when you hit rock bottom…when you let depression win.

When I first started this blog I had just come out of a seriously dark place. I went through some stuff that pretty much broke me. I really had given up. I was so tired that I wanted to sleep forever…quite literally. It was the worst bout of depression I’ve ever been through. I’d gone through some tough times before but nothing compared to that. But with the help of some very good friends and my amazing family I got through it and managed to turn things around.

Life got better after that. I changed my way of thinking, set myself some life goals and generally had a better outlook on life. And although the things from my past occasionally popped back up every now and again I managed to keep the depression at bay. 
Unfortunately the darkness started creeping back in a few months ago. Things were happening around me that started to trigger memories, open up wounds that had never fully healed and I found myself sinking again. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to go back to that horrible place. So I tried my best not to. 

This is where the exhaustion comes in. Getting yourself out of bed every day when you don’t want to face the world. Tiring. Getting through a day at work. Tiring. Putting on a brave face when all you want to do is cry. Tiring. Trying to explain to people what is wrong when sometimes you don’t even know yourself. Tiring. Almost everything becomes tiring. But you keep going. Because you have no choice. You can’t let it take over your life again. 

So that’s why I’m tired. Because I’m desperately fighting this horrible illness again. I’ll do what ever I can not to let it beat me. I get up, I go to work, I talk to people, I go to the gym and I spend time with my friends and family. It all sounds pretty normal but when your head is telling you just to stay in bed all day and hide away from the world…all that stuff is hard work and yes, you’ve guessed it. Tiring! 

So on that note… I’m going to bed now. And tomorrow I’ll wake up again and battle through another day. And the day after I’ll do the same. And I will keep on battling until life gets better again. Because I know it will. It always does. I just need to keep fighting! 

Dealing with the past

Every so often decisions you made in the past rear their ugly head and take you back to a time that you’d rather not go back to. Two years ago I had something happen which changed my life…it was unexpected, scary and I felt very alone and lost. I had to make a decision which although was right at the time I will probably think about for the rest of my life. That decision along with other things took me to a very dark place for a while. I became a different person…not me…broken. I got to a point where I didn’t want to carry on anymore…I gave up.

It was the worst point in my life so far. But somehow I got through it and I’m here today a much stronger person. I’ve accepted what happened, I’ve learned from it and I’ve picked myself and continued onto a much better place. But big things like that never leave us. They may get buried away and I admit I go weeks, sometimes even months without thinking about it but it never really goes away. And at the moment that thing, that point in my life…it’s on my mind a lot.

Today has been particularly difficult. I’m no longer surrounded with people who were with me at the time so don’t know what’s going on in my head right now. That’s ok..sometimes it’s best that people don’t know. But it can also be a little lonely and hard. So I felt I needed to write about this today just to help release some of what I’m feeling. Sad, heartbroken, lost… A few people who do know where I’m at told me it’s ok to have a cry and get it all out so that’s what I’ve done today. I feel better for it xx

An anniversary of sorts…

A year ago today I boarded a plane with the heaviest of hearts and said goodbye to the beautiful city of Perth that had been my home for 3 years and returned to the UK. I cried the entire 19 hour journey back and for many days and weeks after. Leaving my amazing friends, who had become my new family behind was quite possibly the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But it was something that had to be done and although I didn’t see it then, it was also the best thing I did.

To say it’s been a roller coaster of a year is quite the understatement. So much has happened….some really tough moments and some totally amazing ones. Not going to lie…my first few months at home were horrible. I hated it. I felt safe being back with my parents…but still hated it. Then India happened. Four and half months of reflecting, contemplating and most importantly healing. Magical! And then again, I came home but this time I decided things were going to be different. I made plans, I set goals and I started thinking about me. I introduced myself to exercise…haha! It was an on off relationship at first but I soon became committed and my life now weirdly revolves around my next gym class or running event. And just last week I got to tick my first official goal off my list. I ran my first ever 10k race and raised heaps of money for a mental health charity ūüôā

I am in such a better place a year on. Happier, healthier and more myself then I’ve been in a long time. I have new people in my life, I’ve discovered new interests and I’ve found reasons to keep going and not give in when things get hard. I still have bad days and sad days. I still miss my life in Perth and the people that made it so great. But things are ok….in fact things are better then ok. Things are pretty damn good.

Perth…you will forever have a place in my heart. I look forward to the day we are reunited but until then I will carrying on living, loving and embracing my new life ūüôā

Please leave me alone…

Ugh! Why is it then when things are going well, things from your not so joyful past keep rearing their ugly heads? Ok so they’re not that ugly, but I am scared that if they keep reappearing they will stop me from properly moving forward.

So you probably know where this is going. The ex. Now before I go on I had told myself I wouldn’t write about this but then I had a rethink and remembered that this is meant to be me being honest and open. So here I go…

I have nothing bad to say about the ex. He was a really good guy. Not for me. But a really good guy. What I miss the most is our friendship. But after dragging him over to the dark side with me I can now see why that friendship is no longer. When people go through depression they tend to drag loved ones into it with them…you don’t mean to but they can still end up involved. I know I did that with him but at the time I didn’t see it. So we no longer talk….at all. I admit I’ve tried a few times but there has been no response. Nothing. And that hurt…for a long time. It still does. But you know what? I get it. I went through hell and I can imagine he didn’t have a great time through it either. I’ve had my time to heal so maybe he’s just doing the same. Either way, I have no bad feelings towards him anymore. In fact I hope he is doing ok and happy.

But here’s the thing. No matter how hard you try to block these things out and move on they just keep on popping back up to say hello. Well not literally…but you know what I mean? It’s the same with some of my old friendships. A few really good ones got damaged. I have to admit at the time I pointed the finger a lot. I couldn’t see past my own issues to be the friend I should have been. They saw I’d changed. Maybe they didn’t understand it or maybe they just didn’t care. But they walked away. I’m not saying it was always my fault but I know I was partly to blame. And again, now I can see things more clearly I’ve tried to make it up but the feeling hasn’t been quite mutual.

I can’t help the person I turned into. And I can’t change the things I said or did. But I’ve tried to make a mends and move on. But every now and again the past just likes to challenge me. Remind me of what was. The things I no longer have. The people that no longer want to know me. It really does suck sometimes.

I am lucky I still have people who stuck by me and I have no bad feelings to those that couldn’t. Not everyone can understand and deal with it. I get that. I have to keep telling myself the past is the past. But this past of mine…well, sometimes I wish it would just leave me alone and let me get on.

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