Dance party 🙌

This is literally what my life is like at the moment. Dance party for one and I’m bloody loving it!! 

Don’t know why, how or what has made me feel this good but I’m not questioning it and I’m just enjoying it while it lasts! 

💃🏻

2016

It’s been a while…I know! Life just got busy and I got lazy. Well, maybe not lazy so to speak but getting out of bed, getting to work, feeding my dog and just getting through each day doing the minimum was all I could manage to be honest. 

I used to write a lot of my posts at the end of the day when I got into bed, just before I fell asleep. But it got a point that I was so exhausted that once I’d had dinner all I  wanted was to sleep…so I did! 

I wanted to write today so I could sum up my year, think about the things that have happened, the memories I’ve made and the lessons I’ve learned. Don’t worry I won’t go through everything in tiny detail…who wants to read all that crap! But for me if I get it out in the open I can move on and start tomorrow…next year, afresh! 

The year started well…but only after a reality check from my momma bear. I got back in the gym, I started to take of myself and I tried that whole positivity thing. It worked….I was feeling really good. I caught up with friends, I went to the beautiful snowy Alps to see my best friend get married and I fell in love. 

Unfortunately that love was short lived and darkness appeared. It sounds so pathetic to admit that a broken heart made me fall apart. But hey…everyone has something. And this was mine. I felt like I was back at square one. I did stupid things, I hurt the people I loved and the self hatred was immense. 

But! Again, with the support of my amazing family and friends I picked myself up and got myself back on track. There have been wobbles along the way….there always will be but I can actually say I’m doing ok. 

I’ve had more adventures….an amazing trip to Croatia with my rice pudding, Alex. The best weekend with my girls in a gorgeous cottage in Derbyshire and the best weekend in NYC!! I literally fell in love with that city. The concrete jungle where dreams are made of 💕

I’ve had ups and down with friends. It’s been sad but the ones that matter are still around. I’ve also made new friends. In the most strangest of circumstances. But these people have made me realise that people come into your life for reasons…good or bad…there’s always a reason. My new friends have helped me on my journey….amongst the harsh realities, the cold truths and the generous hearts I am in a better place because of them. 

And so here I am. I survived a lonely Christmas, a tough year and despite the hard times I’m doing ok. Tonight I’m going to have a quiet night in with my pooch and be thankful that I’m still here to see in another new year. Happy new year everyone….hope 2017 treats you kindly xx 

Pause. Regroup. Restart. 

I had a meltdown a few weeks back. I don’t really know why. It just happened. I got back from the gym one night and just couldn’t stop crying. I think a lot of it was over tiredness but I’d had an emotional week at work as well and loads of other things going on. Everything just got too much and I broke. 

Since then I’ve just been taking each day as it comes. I stopped the gym. For a while I was disappointed with myself, but then I realised I was doing the right thing for me. My head wasn’t in the right place at the time. I needed to cut back…on everything. So I kept it simple. I got up, I went to work, I came home, ate dinner and then I went to bed. It’s all I could cope with. 

There’s been a lot of Netflix as I mentioned in my last post. If anyone wants any documentary recommendations just let me know….I’ve gotten through so many. But there’s also been a lot of contemplating. Thinking about my life and where I am. 

Firstly I’m over weight…again! I saw it happening but I wasn’t in the right headspace to do anything about it. My focus was just to get through each day. The absence of exercise coupled with eating crap has taken it toll and this morning after changing my outfit 5 times I knew that enough was enough. 

Add to that my relapse with the blue eyed boy. I let him get to me again and inevitably, hurt me again. 

These things, little as they may seem, when piled on me together, leave me feeling hopeless, worthless and well….just a bit shitty. I’ve had my meds increased again which sometimes makes me feel like I’m failing. Stupid really because if you go to the doctor because your back pain has gotten worse you wouldn’t think twice of upping your pain meds. So that’s what I’m doing….trying to eleviate the ‘pain’. 

I’ve got a busy few days ahead as of tomorrow. Family wedding and a trip to Manchester to see two of my fave northern birds. But once the weekend is over the focus is back on me. 

I need to start eating better, I need to get some sort of exercise back in my life and I just need to start looking after number one. And I’ve decided that I’m not going to use social media as a help guide anymore. What was once motivation for me is now becoming destructive. I see where others are and compare myself. Why am I still single, why can’t I get fit and healthy, why did I only get 5 likes for that post, why is everyone happier and better then me?! It’s ridiculous now I’ve said it but that’s what goes through my mind way too often. So from now on I will only follow and take in the people that fill me with love, support and positivity. 

It’s time to get my head together. It’s time to focus on what’s important. And it’s time to restart. 

House for one please! 

My house purchase is far from final but as it could potentially be complete in the next 2 months I need to start thinking of how I’m going to fill my new home. 
I started to make a little list over the last week or so. Stuff that I really need in my new house…and the stuff that can wait. 

Necessities:

• bed

• washing machine 

• wardrobe 

• kettle, toaster, iron (+board) 

• dinner set 

Doesn’t sound much but when you add up the cost…..jeez!!! I’m lucky that a few things the current owners are leaving behind and mum and dad are giving me stuff which they no longer need so it’s not like I have nothing. But I still need a few things to get me started and it ain’t gonna be cheap. 

So this is the reality of single person house buying. Finding a nice place I could afford a mortgage for on my own was just the first hurdle. Now I need to buy all this stuff. I’m going to be poor forever!!!

Obviously lots of people do it but I’m sure most people buy their first place with someone whether it be a partner or relative or whatever. It must make it so much easier to furnish a place when there are at least two of you. At first I thought being on my own I wouldn’t need as much stuff. But it’s not like I can buy half a bed or a one person dinner set…I still need to spend pretty much the same as two people would on home furnishings and appliances. 
So how will I do it? Well for starters I’ll probably have no life. And I guess my priorities with money will be so different. 

My parents were confused as to why I don’t have many savings. But honestly I think when you’re single you just end up spending more money. If you live alone you can save by staying in more often and cut back on the social life. But then you have the danger of becoming a social recluse. If you live with someone at least you can stay in with another person. And buying food for one isn’t easy either….you end up wasting a lot of stuff or eating the same meals for lunch and dinner on consecutive days. And bills, I don’t think you’d use much more electricity or gas being a two but at least you can split the cost. 

I don’t mean to be woe is me…little miss singleton. But the reality is that it’s harder on your own. But what’s the alternative…live at home waiting in vain to find someone I can do all this with? Or bite the bullet and just do it on my own?! 

I really am excited about finally get my own place. But the thought of it is also a bit daunting. But you know what…it’ll be mine. Just mine. My first house funded by me (and a little bit by my parents 🙈). 

6 x 6 = ? 

36!!! Thirty bloody six!!! How the hell did that happen?? I’m not there yet…but it’s less then 2 weeks away and I’m totally freaking out!! 

Every year I tell myself…this year will be different. This year you will do things. This will be your year, Shaena. It never is. Ever year passes and I feel like barely survived. Don’t get me wrong…good things have happened this year. Really good things. Toby came into my life, my little sister came home for Christmas, my best friend got married in the Alps and I got to go to the wedding, I had a fabulous holiday in Croatia with said best friend, I fell in love, I spent some quality time with my parents and I made it this far…. I made it to t-minus 12 days to my 36th birthday! 

But amongst all of that good stuff, as always there have bumps….obstacles….a lot of crap. Some of these things were as small as speed humps in the road. A sort of…ugh….that was annoying and slowed me down. Sometimes they were a bit bigger. I’d get stuck there for a day or two and needed to rest before I could get over them and carry on. And then there were the road blocks. That stopped me dead in my tracks. I fell to the ground and stayed there for days…sometimes longer. Wanting to give up but hearing the voices of all of the people that cared about me to keep on trying. Asking me to pick myself up, gather all my strength and destroy that road block! 

I did. It worked. I’m still here.

So how am I doing? Ok I guess. Work is crazy busy and I’m still doing my sessions with fit body bootcamp but not as much as I’d like to. I haven’t done any sessions at home which I’m disappointed with but I’m so tired all the time. Some times physically but most of the time mentally. I do have one exciting thing happening at the moment though…I’m in the process of buying a house. Never thought I’d say that…me, buy a house. But it’s happening….and fingers crossed all being well I’ll have a lovely little home for me and Toby to move into before Christmas. 

I guess that’s something to be proud of. Although it would no be happening without the help of bank of mum and dad. What would I do without them! They keep me going, they support me when I’m struggling and they fight for me even harder then I do for myself at times. 

So 36….what do you have in store for me? Good things I hope…and for the not so good I hope I’ve got it in me to get through another year X 

Where’s your head at??? 

Ummm….all over the place. But!!! The dark grey heavy clouds parted over the weekend. I saw brightness again. Not much but enough to know I can pick myself, dust myself off and find my way again. 

My heart still aches for the boy. But now more so because I know he’s in pain too. And I can’t do anything to help him. I understand to some extent how he’s feeling because I’ve been there many times. But it doesn’t mean I can help him. Firstly I don’t think he will let me, second I need to make sure I focus on myself first and lastly…you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. All I can do is be there for him. So that’s what I’m doing. 

But me first. I need to make sure of that. I don’t want to rush into anything so I’m just taking it a day at a time. I’ve piled on the lbs again and I know I need to sort that out. But at the moment getting myself out of bed, into work and functioning as normal as possible is enough for now. I am ready to start moving forward again…just very slowly.

As for the boy. Well people are confused and a little negative about us still even talking. I understand why. But at the same time no one is in my shoes. We care about each other. I’m at a point in my life where finding people you connect with is rare. I don’t want him to go through his pain alone so if I can be there for him I will do it. 

I’m not doing this in the hopes he will change his mind. I’m doing this because I care about him and I don’t want him to suffer alone. But in order to be there for him I need to get myself sorted first. So that’s my first goal. Me. 

The course of true love never did run smooth 

I’ve always tried to be as open and honest when writing my blog posts. So I intend to do the same with this one even though deep down I feel stupid, pathetic and slightly embarrassed. 

Last week I fell from cloud 9 with a huge thud. That boy I was telling you about…well, he is no more. I don’t want to go into details as the wounds are still very raw and will be for some time but the sad part is that our feelings for each other never changed. I still care deeply for him and I know he does for me too. All I can really say is that maybe it wasn’t the right time for us. 

Needless to say it hit me pretty hard. I really did think this was it. Everything seemed to fall into place perfectly only for it to fall apart just as quick. I know so many people are thinking how can I be so heartbroken over such a short relationship. Well, I didn’t expect it either. I’m not going to try and justify my feelings because it is what it is. 

So what now? Ive just been trying to pick myself back up to be honest. Until today I’ve not been all that successful. I’ve not been sleeping, I’ve felt numb and empty and all those insecurities that I’m forever trying to fight off have resurfaced. The demons have well and truly returned!! 

I wanted to give in…I really did. Not because I got dumped. But because I’m tired. Tired of being on my own. Tired of waiting for the right guy to come along. I kept but think again it’s something about me. Why can’t I just get something right? Why can’t things work out for me? I know it’s not the be all and end all in life but it is something I want and at 35 years old I’m beginning to wonder if it will ever happen for me. 

I don’t mean to sound all woe is me. I’m just trying to be honest about what’s been going on and how I’m feeling. What’s happened has stirred up a lot of dark memories and feelings from my past and I feel like I’m back at square one all over again. 

Anyway as I said I’ve been feeling very low until today. I wouldn’t say I’m feeling loads better but I did drag myself back into the gym today and I’m back on the healthy eating! Let’s face it I don’t want to be heartbroken and fat so back to being a gym bunny it is! 

Back to reality 

  My life has been turned upside down in the most amazing way these last few weeks. I’ve realised now why my past relationships have never worked. The boy has made me see how it should be. I know it’s still early days but I have this feeling. A feeling I’ve never had before and it feels good. He makes me feel every emotion possible and likes me for who I am. 

He’s away this weekend at a wedding in Kent. Kinda sucks but I think it’ll be good for us to miss each other. There have been 3 phone calls already…and a lot of messages 🙈🙈

Anyway this weekend I’m going to get this life, my life, back on track. Restore some normality. Mum is back next week and I literally cannot wait. We had the best few months together when she came home for Christmas. It’s the longest time I’ve spent with her where it’s just been the two of us and I loved it. Having her home will help me get back into a proper routine. Mums are good like that 😁. So it’s back to the gym, back to BBG and back to proper clean eating!!! 
I’m not afraid to admit it all fell by the way side since she left. First there was Chamonix and just as I pulled myself out of the post holiday blues the boy appeared. 

But I just wanted to enjoy it. The early days when you can’t concentrate at work because all you want to do is see him. Nothing matters except the person who makes you happier then you’ve been in a long time. 

BUT!!!! Reality has to resurface at some point. And I’m ready to get back to it….but now with a gorgeous guy in tow😍

All about the boy 

Once upon a time a girl who was so broken and sad decided it was time she gave up on the idea of her knight in shining armor. But low and behold, just as she did, he appeared. 
I’ve been a MIA these last few weeks and I know that. I’ve been distracted. By a boy 🙈
People say that when you least expect it, it’ll happen. Now I understand that. It came out of nowhere but I have had a smile on my face since I met him. I’m not afraid to say it because I know he feels the same. 
I’ve waited a long time for this. But this one….he was totally worth it ☺️

Time 

Time is a great healer they say. I do believe that. Heartbreak, sad times, painful moments….given enough time these things fade and we learn to let go or move on.

But there are times when we are often reminded of those moments. Not for very long and less painful then the last time but they are still there. Today is one of those days for me.

Today I will have thoughts of regret and sadness and my heart will ache a bit. But I know now that however painful life’s lessons are they teach us things that make us stronger and braver. So I will allow myself to feel these thoughts, just for today. But tomorrow I will let it go….until the next time. 

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