Frazzled 

That’s how I feel right now. Frazzled. I’ve gone from feeling up beat and positive to let me cry and sleep for the next 2 weeks…at least. 

Nothing bad is happening but my mind is on over drive and my days are going from mediocre to horrendous. A couple of days ago I could barely function at work and when I got home I felt like I was running on empty. Toby was being a shit for a start and after I finished yelling/crying at him I had to deal with everything else. Everything else involved tidying up, cooking dinner and just getting myself in a position where I was ready for the next day. Doesn’t sound terrible at all but I was drained. I had no energy left. I nearly fell asleep at the kitchen table at 6pm! 

Thankfully I talked to my friends….they listened, they told me what I needed to do and they got me through the night. So pulled up my girl pants and got on with it. And I survived…woop!! 

I’ve felt so much better since then but I’m still not quite on track. The gym will not be seeing my face this week as I can’t even think about that right now. Last night I barely slept because I was either in the bathroom or laying in bed having minor anxiety episodes about things that aren’t even that big a deal. 

I’m a worrier. An over thinker. And a general stress head. I don’t have anything particularly massive going on right now but that doesn’t mean my mind doesn’t go into over drive at times. My parents are back next week and I can’t wait to see them. I think a lot of what’s going on with me is related to that. I know that things will get easier when they’re home but I feel like the build up is weirdly stressing me out. I can’t explain why, but it just is. 

I do have a lot to get in order for their return. Mainly cleaning 🙄. But why that’s stressing me out I don’t know. I’ve got a catch up with some of my girls on Saturday night and whilst in one of my anxiety episodes last night I nearly cancelled on them. But I thankfully had a change of heart today and realized a time out with friends who get me and support me is something I probably need right now. 

So anyway, I’m really trying my best to switch off from the worrying thoughts and chill out this week. I’m doing better but my annoying mind likes to make things hard for me at times. But I will persevere, fight the evil voices and find that positivity again to get me through the weekend. And then as of Tuesday I have my folks back. And I’m not ashamed to say…that even at the age of 36, I cannot bloody wait!!!! 

House for one please! 

My house purchase is far from final but as it could potentially be complete in the next 2 months I need to start thinking of how I’m going to fill my new home. 
I started to make a little list over the last week or so. Stuff that I really need in my new house…and the stuff that can wait. 

Necessities:

• bed

• washing machine 

• wardrobe 

• kettle, toaster, iron (+board) 

• dinner set 

Doesn’t sound much but when you add up the cost…..jeez!!! I’m lucky that a few things the current owners are leaving behind and mum and dad are giving me stuff which they no longer need so it’s not like I have nothing. But I still need a few things to get me started and it ain’t gonna be cheap. 

So this is the reality of single person house buying. Finding a nice place I could afford a mortgage for on my own was just the first hurdle. Now I need to buy all this stuff. I’m going to be poor forever!!!

Obviously lots of people do it but I’m sure most people buy their first place with someone whether it be a partner or relative or whatever. It must make it so much easier to furnish a place when there are at least two of you. At first I thought being on my own I wouldn’t need as much stuff. But it’s not like I can buy half a bed or a one person dinner set…I still need to spend pretty much the same as two people would on home furnishings and appliances. 
So how will I do it? Well for starters I’ll probably have no life. And I guess my priorities with money will be so different. 

My parents were confused as to why I don’t have many savings. But honestly I think when you’re single you just end up spending more money. If you live alone you can save by staying in more often and cut back on the social life. But then you have the danger of becoming a social recluse. If you live with someone at least you can stay in with another person. And buying food for one isn’t easy either….you end up wasting a lot of stuff or eating the same meals for lunch and dinner on consecutive days. And bills, I don’t think you’d use much more electricity or gas being a two but at least you can split the cost. 

I don’t mean to be woe is me…little miss singleton. But the reality is that it’s harder on your own. But what’s the alternative…live at home waiting in vain to find someone I can do all this with? Or bite the bullet and just do it on my own?! 

I really am excited about finally get my own place. But the thought of it is also a bit daunting. But you know what…it’ll be mine. Just mine. My first house funded by me (and a little bit by my parents 🙈). 

6 x 6 = ? 

36!!! Thirty bloody six!!! How the hell did that happen?? I’m not there yet…but it’s less then 2 weeks away and I’m totally freaking out!! 

Every year I tell myself…this year will be different. This year you will do things. This will be your year, Shaena. It never is. Ever year passes and I feel like barely survived. Don’t get me wrong…good things have happened this year. Really good things. Toby came into my life, my little sister came home for Christmas, my best friend got married in the Alps and I got to go to the wedding, I had a fabulous holiday in Croatia with said best friend, I fell in love, I spent some quality time with my parents and I made it this far…. I made it to t-minus 12 days to my 36th birthday! 

But amongst all of that good stuff, as always there have bumps….obstacles….a lot of crap. Some of these things were as small as speed humps in the road. A sort of…ugh….that was annoying and slowed me down. Sometimes they were a bit bigger. I’d get stuck there for a day or two and needed to rest before I could get over them and carry on. And then there were the road blocks. That stopped me dead in my tracks. I fell to the ground and stayed there for days…sometimes longer. Wanting to give up but hearing the voices of all of the people that cared about me to keep on trying. Asking me to pick myself up, gather all my strength and destroy that road block! 

I did. It worked. I’m still here.

So how am I doing? Ok I guess. Work is crazy busy and I’m still doing my sessions with fit body bootcamp but not as much as I’d like to. I haven’t done any sessions at home which I’m disappointed with but I’m so tired all the time. Some times physically but most of the time mentally. I do have one exciting thing happening at the moment though…I’m in the process of buying a house. Never thought I’d say that…me, buy a house. But it’s happening….and fingers crossed all being well I’ll have a lovely little home for me and Toby to move into before Christmas. 

I guess that’s something to be proud of. Although it would no be happening without the help of bank of mum and dad. What would I do without them! They keep me going, they support me when I’m struggling and they fight for me even harder then I do for myself at times. 

So 36….what do you have in store for me? Good things I hope…and for the not so good I hope I’ve got it in me to get through another year X 

And then there were 3 :) 

I had a very wobbly weekend last week. Sleepless nights, lonely days and strange feelings of anxiety. Thankfully that all changed on Tuesday. Why? Because my little sister came home 🙂   
We have had the best time together so far. It’s like she never left. Lots of pj time on the couch, eating our favorite foods, catching up with friends and we had an amazing day out on Friday at the Harry Potter studios. It’s been so much fun and I’m loving having her home. 

   
   
The best thing that’s happened is when we picked up the new member of our family on Wednesday. Meet Toby my beautiful greyhound baby. He’s the best decision I’ve ever made. The most gorgeous and gentle dog ever! I love him so much already. 

   
 We’ve had a very lazy Sunday today. Me, my sis and Toby. It’s been perfect. Tomorrow is my last day off before I go back to work. I’m less apprehensive this time. Not sure if it’s having people around me but I’m definitely feeling better going back. I’ll keep you posted with how I get on. 

Next thing is getting myself back into a routine with the gym. I know I need to ease back into it slowly but I think I’m ready to start back. I think I’ll get my first week at work done first then try and do a few gentle sessions to help keep those Christmas calories at bay. 

I can’t believe Christmas is just around the corner but I’m finally getting excited about it. Especially when I know there’s going to be someone else joining us. But that’s a secret for now…so watch this space!! xx 

Pause 

Drained. That’s me today. The last few days have been great but have really taken it out of me. After a lovely weekend in Stratford I jumped back into my fitness regime with a body pump class on Monday morning at my new gym and then did my BBG week 3 workout when I got home that evening. It felt good!

I also started the second of my group therapy sessions on Monday afternoon. Like the other one it went really well and I enjoyed it. There were only two of us who attended but it didn’t matter. Was just nice to share our experiences and feelings and know we are not alone.

Yesterday I went to the 3rd session of the other group. The ladies there are so lovely I feel so relaxed and comfortable talking with them 🙂

It’s Diwali in the Hindu calendar today. So I should be celebrating with friends and family but instead I’m sat on the couch, under my blanket watching a DVD. I’ll come back to why later. Somebody at work suggested those who celebrate the festival and anyone else who wished to contribute mark the occasion with a food feast at lunch time. So last night I spent the evening cooking away with the help of two of my friends from work. Had a lovely evening, laughing, eating and just feeling happy.

Today was a struggle. I felt tired all day. I had to go to Northampton for work. It felt like a very long drive there and back for a task that took very little time. My colleague and I were fighting to stay awake on the drive home. But I like those kind of trips because we get to talk shit in the car for a few hours and it’s always nice to get of the office for a day.

Anyway tonight I was supposed to go round a family friends for Diwali dinner but I just wasn’t feeling it. The drive home from the office was a mission. I couldn’t even face the gym! So sadly I had to decline my invite and instead I’m having a lazy evening at home.

I felt bad at first but then I was reminded of something that was discussed at my group yesterday. When things get too much, when you get tired or when you just can’t keep going. Pause. Take time out for yourself to allow yourself to get back on track. So that’s what I’m doing tonight. Resting my body and resting my mind.

So tomorrow is the Hindu new year. I intend to chill out tonight and regroup. And tomorrow I’ll start over. That’s what New Year’s Day is for after all 😉   

Home alone kid 

It’s been a funny week. Last Wednesday was my parent’s last day before they left for India again. I went into work as normal but I couldn’t concentrate at all. My mind was definitely elsewhere. Thoughts of being on my own again, how much I was going to miss them, would I be ok by myself and I suppose a sort of excited anticipation of getting some space to myself again. Obviously I loved having my parents home, I really needed them this year with things being all over the place again. But as much as I’ve opened up to them more this year I know it will be good for me to come home after a tough day and have a good cry if need be and have no one worry about it.
So they left on Thursday. It was emotional. I cried a lot. Even at work. But I had a lot of lovely work colleagues around me who knew that I would find it hard so there were plenty of hugs to get me through the day. It was weird when I got home. An empty house, a little cold as the heating hadn’t come on yet and it was very quiet. No Mum in the kitchen preparing dinner, no Dad in the back room researching reiki or doing banking stuff on the laptop. No one. It was just me! When I walked into the kitchen I found a beautiful bouquet of flowers, a chocolate advent calendar and a lovely note from my parents. Cue more tears! Lol!

  
But I soon settled down. I called a few friends and spoke with both my sisters over Skype. And of course to my parents before they boarded their flight. So I kept busy, made myself a nice dinner and tried to relax. To be honest when I got to bed I had the best sleep I’d had in a good few days. When I got up the next morning I’d almost forgotten I was on my own. When I remembered I got upset all over again and called my boss to ask to work from home. Last thing I wanted was to sob my way through work. So I tried to get on with my day. I did a little work…maybe not as much as I should have. Spoke to a few friends again and watched a lot of TV. Harry Potter actually. Sky TV had a whole channel dedicated to the movies all weekend and I’m not ashamed to say it was a constant until I went to bed on Sunday lol!

A couple of my friends popped over to keep me company on Friday evening. It was funny actually because this time last year I went into hospital to have my wisdom teeth out a few days after Mum and Dad left and these two were the ones that babysat me then as well haha! We had a nice night, chats, giggles and they reminded me that I’m not really alone. An added bonus was that I made a new friend too……love him!!!! Thanks Little K 🙂 

  
However, Friday night was also the start of something not so good. I caught a stomach bug. At first I thought it was all the stress from my parents leaving but as it continued through the weekend and I began to feel quite ill I realised it was something more…or maybe a combination of both. On Saturday I chose to ignore it and carried on as normal and regained my station in the kitchen which was always my favourite thing to do on a Saturday afternoon. I spent a few hours cooking an amazing mutton curry (one of my favourite dishes) and then I sat down to watch the rugby world cup final. An amazing win by the All Blacks even though I was also a little bit team Wallabies as well as my friend Kaela’s brother plays for them. A great match either way and the best team most definitely won. I had lots of laughs during the match too with my little sister sending me videos and photos of her in the pub in Auckland at 4am after they had already been to a Halloween party. Good work for soldiering on people!! Haha!

Later that evening I sat down to eat and it’s then when I realised how unwell I actually felt. Why? Because I couldn’t eat!!! Arghhhhhh!!!!! I love my food so much and not being able to enjoy my curry which I’d been slaving over for hours was most disappointing! 😦 So off to bed I went, hungry, not feeling great and quite fed up!

The next morning I felt dreadful. My friend messaged me in the morning to see if I wanted to get out of the house to go to Tesco. I thought it would help to get out and get some fresh air so I got myself out of bed and got dressed. I then started to do a few jobs around the house but I literally had to sit down in between everything I did because I just felt so drained and exhausted. She picked me up at lunchtime and it was nice to get out. I dropped some of the curry round to my Uncle and then we wandered around Tesco for a little while. To be honest we were both not feeling too well so it was a little bit of a struggle. I felt fairly spaced out and thought I might even pass out at one point. Was a relief when I got home!!

When I did, I resumed my position on the couch in my pjs, under my blanket and jumped back into the Harry Potter marathon for about the third time since Friday hahaha! There was some napping; some phone calls some more napping.

Monday was a non starter. Still sick. Not as bad, but not great. So I decided to work from the comforts of home. It was a slow day. I left the house briefly to get some boring plain food on my own. Which reminds me of my cars new friend who refuses to leave…been on the door for 3 days now! Yuk!!!!

  
Anyway today has been much the same. Working from home as the bug refuses to jog on!! Grrrr! But I think they whole point of this post other than to bore you with my dreary antics is that I’ve felt so loved. So many people have checked to see how I am, asked me to call if I need anything and just generally made me feel comforted. And those BBG girls…well, they’ve just been amazing. Some I met last week, some I only know through social media. But they have sent such lovely messages when I’ve been sad about being on my own or that I’m too sick to exercise. And the lovely Harriet started something the other week. A spreading of love to fellow BBG sisters, whereby if we commented on her Instagram post she would send out some gifts of encouragement to the first few lucky ladies. And the rule was that we in turn do the same. I got a lovely package from her and the girls received mine today and I think they were rather pleased. It’s such a lovely way to show our support for each other and encourage us to keep going with our healthy lifestyles.

  
So that’s me. That’s what’s been going on. I’ve been sad. I’ve been sick. And I’ve not worked out. But it’s not all that bad. I feel loved and that’s all that matters 🙂 

 

What’s been happening?

Oh! Em! Gee!

So I know it’s been a few weeks since I wrote last and I didn’t mean it to be that long. Things just got crazy and suddenly more then 3 weeks have gone by….why? Well, this is why….

Well firstly I got slack! With everything!! Work was full on and training was minimal. Then up until last weekend I’ve been in wedding frenzy!! A very close family friend got married and we had 10 days prepping, partying and everything else that goes with a family wedding. The first weekend we were down in lovely Somerset for the English ceremony. A beautiful church ceremony followed by a fab shebang of a reception!! And then just as it was time to recover the indian ceremony prep commenced!!! Although I wasn’t involved in all of the prep I was there for all of the mini ceremonies leading up to the big day and from the Saturday there was a lot going on. Plus work was busy that week as well so there was no time for resting, working out or blogging. The wedding on Sunday was really good. It was a long day but a fun day but oh my god was I exhausted by the time Monday hit. Thankfully I’d booked the day off but to be honest a day wasn’t quite enough. I was zombie at the start of the week and a moody one at that. But things picked up mid week and I braved my first run in over a fortnight on Wednesday evening after work. It was pretty tough but I got through it…with a little walking in between and it felt good to have done it. Went out this morning for another little run…just under 6km. Felt really good after and despite saying it quite a few times over the last month I definitely think I’m ready to get back on track with the training and focus on the next event. 4 weeks until the Twilight 10km mud run so I’ve a lot of work to do but I’m excited and hopeful that I will survive it and come out smiling at the end….I hope! 🙂

So….other then wedding stuff….I have news!!! Something I’ve known for a little while but not wanting to announce until it was official. I HAVE A JOB!!! Not just a temp one, not just one to fill a gap…but a proper new career!!!!!!

When I first came home I told myself that I would only stay here for the right thing. And that right thing has appeared. Back in May I applied for a job. It was completely on a whim and something you do when you are unemployed and looking for that something new when you are over 30 and wondering why you entered the original career you are working in. And then it happened….I got through to the last stage of the application process. When I got the phone call to say I’d got a conditional offer I couldn’t quite believe it. And here I am one month later….pre-employment checks are FINALLY complete and the offer is official!! The contract is signed, I have a start date and my amazing career is ready to begin and give me a reason to stay here in the UK! It’s going to be a challenging role but I am so excited and ready to get my life moving again.

So that’s what’s been happening. Weddings, not enough running and exciting job stuff!! I’ve a couple of weeks left at my current temp job then I’m taking a weeks break before I start my new job. Exciting times ahead people…..things are finally coming together!! 🙂 🙂

An anniversary of sorts…

A year ago today I boarded a plane with the heaviest of hearts and said goodbye to the beautiful city of Perth that had been my home for 3 years and returned to the UK. I cried the entire 19 hour journey back and for many days and weeks after. Leaving my amazing friends, who had become my new family behind was quite possibly the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But it was something that had to be done and although I didn’t see it then, it was also the best thing I did.

To say it’s been a roller coaster of a year is quite the understatement. So much has happened….some really tough moments and some totally amazing ones. Not going to lie…my first few months at home were horrible. I hated it. I felt safe being back with my parents…but still hated it. Then India happened. Four and half months of reflecting, contemplating and most importantly healing. Magical! And then again, I came home but this time I decided things were going to be different. I made plans, I set goals and I started thinking about me. I introduced myself to exercise…haha! It was an on off relationship at first but I soon became committed and my life now weirdly revolves around my next gym class or running event. And just last week I got to tick my first official goal off my list. I ran my first ever 10k race and raised heaps of money for a mental health charity 🙂

I am in such a better place a year on. Happier, healthier and more myself then I’ve been in a long time. I have new people in my life, I’ve discovered new interests and I’ve found reasons to keep going and not give in when things get hard. I still have bad days and sad days. I still miss my life in Perth and the people that made it so great. But things are ok….in fact things are better then ok. Things are pretty damn good.

Perth…you will forever have a place in my heart. I look forward to the day we are reunited but until then I will carrying on living, loving and embracing my new life 🙂

So far so good

I’ve been quite busy the last few days getting organised for the new me!! In between getting over the jetlag I’ve been to the gym a few times, stocked up on a bucket load of healthy food and got the job hunt started.

My first day back in the gym was quite tough but I enjoyed the feeling of achy muscles and getting sweaty again. Today I started warming myself up for the 10k training…wanted to see how terrible I really was at this whole running business. Happy to say I managed more than I thought and completing my run in July seemed slightly more achievable than I’d first imagined. Tomorrow I’m tackling a Body Combat class. I’m quite nervous about this. When I think of group fitness classes I just picture myself getting everything wrong, not being able to keep up and generally getting laughed at. But I’m putting those fears aside and going for it anyway!

Food shopping was…well, lets say different. I think I spent more time in fruit and veg section then I have ever done before. I bought spinach. I’ve never bough spinach before. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it but I just love the fact that I bought it 🙂 As I mentioned before I am a carb whore, so not stocking up on rice, potatoes and pasta was quite strange. Instead I bought a cauliflower as apparently this is going to be the answer to my rice addiction! I’ve seen a few cauliflower rice recipes floating around so this week I’m going to give it a try and see what the fuss is about!

What else….ugh, yes. The job hunt. My career has been all over the shop since I left school. I’ve done so many different things I can never give a simple answer to ‘so what kind of job are you looking for?’. To be honest my main goal is just to get a job, whatever it might be (well within reason I guess!). The thought of being unemployed for much longer does not fill me with much joy. But I’ve also been thinking that if I want to change my career direction this might be the best time for it. Now I’m back home my job isn’t tied to any visa restrictions. I can do whatever I like. Problem is, I’m not sure I know what that is!

So anyway like I said. I’ve been busy. But things are settling down ok and I’m enjoying being back home and getting my life back on track. I feel like things are finally coming good and I’m a little step closer to where I want to be 🙂

Home Sweet Home

Finally….I’m home! It was a long journey….26 hours door to door to be exact! It wasn’t as bad as I expected though. The new airport in Mumbai was a good start and my friend Becca picked me up from London Heathrow so I had great company and a lovely catch up on the drive home.

How is it that no matter how long you’ve been away from home….weeks, months, years….it still feels like yesterday that you were last here?! You unlock the door, turn off the alarm, hang the keys up where they belong, open the windows and everything just feels right.

So what now? Well I completed my ‘must do’ jobs, called my parents and did a mini food shop. Not as healthy as I would have liked but I really don’t feel like cooking today. So it’s a low cal ready meal for tonight but some salad to go along with it. Bad…but not terrible!

The rest of the day has been spent on the couch but that’s ok…right? The plan is to try and stay awake until it gets dark and then head to bed to hopefully sleep well enough to get up at a reasonable hour. Then I will start as I mean to go on….a 20 minute yoga session, my morning hot lemon drink and then I’m hitting the gym! YAY!! I’m strangely excited about this. I’ve missed the gym….probably for the first time in my life!

*Fast forward 30 minutes*

Just finished my ready meal…yuk! Tomorrow I WILL be cooking!! And just as I’m struggling to keep my eyes open it’s starting to get dark. So it’s bedtime for me….and tomorrow is my official new start. Excited? Yes I am! 🙂

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