A permanent reminder 

This afternoon I got a new tattoo. It’s been something I’ve been thinking about for a long time…years in fact. After my first inking I promised myself I would think long and hard if I ever wanted another tattoo…because let’s face it the first one was spontaneous, meant nothing and I got it just because it was cool. Yes…I have a tramp stamp! 🙈

Moving on swiftly….my second one was thought about. Two years I had it on mind in fact. But again it was another spontaneous moment when I was loving life as a backpacker and I was sat in a bar with my lovely friend Ashleigh on the island of Koh Phangan in Thailand and we decided to go get tattoos. And that’s exactly what we did! Thankfully I’ve never regretted it. I still love it to this day. 

For a while I wanted another tattoo. And for years it was always an elephant. I love elephants. I love how beautiful they are, how peaceful they are and what they represent in my religion. But I was never 100% convinced…because I couldn’t decide what kind of elephant and where I would even have it. 

So that idea came and went… in more recent years I’ve loved the idea of a lotus flower. I chose it as my image for my blog for what it represented. The lotus flower has many meanings, but for me it symbolizes being reborn…finding life again after a very murky and muddy existence. Because that’s where I was. In the mud. And I think I’ve finally found my way again. 

So that’s what I decided on. But I wanted to incorporate one more thing. The semi colon. An every day punctuation mark that has become an international symbol for suicide awareness. It represents the pause in a sentence…and in the world of mental health it represents a pause in someone’s life…but a life that carries on. 

I don’t want to or need to explain my choices. But for me these two symbols represent a part of me and my life and that is why I chose to have them placed on me as a permanent reminder.  

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Dance party 🙌

This is literally what my life is like at the moment. Dance party for one and I’m bloody loving it!! 

Don’t know why, how or what has made me feel this good but I’m not questioning it and I’m just enjoying it while it lasts! 

💃🏻

Day one… 

So I did it!!! I finally came home, fed Toby,  dug deep into my wardrobe and found my workout clothes. I put them on…ignored the fact I was bulging out of them and I, me, Shaena…..I worked out!!! 🙈🙈

Yes, you read that right. I got out my yoga mat, I busted some moves, I worked up a sweat and you know what? It felt bloody amazing!! I mean, it’s gonna hurt tomorrow…majorly! But I got it done…as pathetic as it was and I’m proud of myself! 

In 2 weeks I start a new 12 week program. If you’ve read any of my previous posts about fitness you’ll know that a couple of years ago I started Kayla Itsines’ Bikini Body Guide. I never ever made it through the 12 weeks, and although I’ve seen that it can be a fab program for a lot of people it just wasn’t for me. So I saw that Sinead Disaya (pro Aussie tennis player and personal trainer) was offering her 12-24 week fitness guide on instagram for free for a short time. I of course I got right in there and grabbed the offer. I mean, who doesn’t love a freebie?! But I checked out her workout style and it seemed to be more of my kind of thing! So 30th Jan the 12 weeks Sweat Believe Roar challenge starts and in an effort to not die in week 1, I thought I’d better ease myself back into this whole fitness thing again. 

So I found this app on instagram that has yoga workouts for fat loss and fitness. I took a look and I liked it so that’s what I tried out today. They have lots of free workouts in different styles and for different lengths of time depending on what you feel like doing on the day. So today I did the fat burner without. Holy hell….it was only 14mins but it was a killer. Who knew that yoga could make you sweat like that?!! 💦

I was meant to hit the cross trainer afterwards but I could barely manage 10 minutes! Oh well….I didn’t kick myself for it, I just focused on what I had done and was proud that I didn’t just come home from work and collapse on the couch! 

So this was day one of my fresh start. It’s taken more then a few steps to get here but I’m here none the less and it feels good 👌

Pause. Regroup. Restart. 

I had a meltdown a few weeks back. I don’t really know why. It just happened. I got back from the gym one night and just couldn’t stop crying. I think a lot of it was over tiredness but I’d had an emotional week at work as well and loads of other things going on. Everything just got too much and I broke. 

Since then I’ve just been taking each day as it comes. I stopped the gym. For a while I was disappointed with myself, but then I realised I was doing the right thing for me. My head wasn’t in the right place at the time. I needed to cut back…on everything. So I kept it simple. I got up, I went to work, I came home, ate dinner and then I went to bed. It’s all I could cope with. 

There’s been a lot of Netflix as I mentioned in my last post. If anyone wants any documentary recommendations just let me know….I’ve gotten through so many. But there’s also been a lot of contemplating. Thinking about my life and where I am. 

Firstly I’m over weight…again! I saw it happening but I wasn’t in the right headspace to do anything about it. My focus was just to get through each day. The absence of exercise coupled with eating crap has taken it toll and this morning after changing my outfit 5 times I knew that enough was enough. 

Add to that my relapse with the blue eyed boy. I let him get to me again and inevitably, hurt me again. 

These things, little as they may seem, when piled on me together, leave me feeling hopeless, worthless and well….just a bit shitty. I’ve had my meds increased again which sometimes makes me feel like I’m failing. Stupid really because if you go to the doctor because your back pain has gotten worse you wouldn’t think twice of upping your pain meds. So that’s what I’m doing….trying to eleviate the ‘pain’. 

I’ve got a busy few days ahead as of tomorrow. Family wedding and a trip to Manchester to see two of my fave northern birds. But once the weekend is over the focus is back on me. 

I need to start eating better, I need to get some sort of exercise back in my life and I just need to start looking after number one. And I’ve decided that I’m not going to use social media as a help guide anymore. What was once motivation for me is now becoming destructive. I see where others are and compare myself. Why am I still single, why can’t I get fit and healthy, why did I only get 5 likes for that post, why is everyone happier and better then me?! It’s ridiculous now I’ve said it but that’s what goes through my mind way too often. So from now on I will only follow and take in the people that fill me with love, support and positivity. 

It’s time to get my head together. It’s time to focus on what’s important. And it’s time to restart. 

House for one please! 

My house purchase is far from final but as it could potentially be complete in the next 2 months I need to start thinking of how I’m going to fill my new home. 
I started to make a little list over the last week or so. Stuff that I really need in my new house…and the stuff that can wait. 

Necessities:

• bed

• washing machine 

• wardrobe 

• kettle, toaster, iron (+board) 

• dinner set 

Doesn’t sound much but when you add up the cost…..jeez!!! I’m lucky that a few things the current owners are leaving behind and mum and dad are giving me stuff which they no longer need so it’s not like I have nothing. But I still need a few things to get me started and it ain’t gonna be cheap. 

So this is the reality of single person house buying. Finding a nice place I could afford a mortgage for on my own was just the first hurdle. Now I need to buy all this stuff. I’m going to be poor forever!!!

Obviously lots of people do it but I’m sure most people buy their first place with someone whether it be a partner or relative or whatever. It must make it so much easier to furnish a place when there are at least two of you. At first I thought being on my own I wouldn’t need as much stuff. But it’s not like I can buy half a bed or a one person dinner set…I still need to spend pretty much the same as two people would on home furnishings and appliances. 
So how will I do it? Well for starters I’ll probably have no life. And I guess my priorities with money will be so different. 

My parents were confused as to why I don’t have many savings. But honestly I think when you’re single you just end up spending more money. If you live alone you can save by staying in more often and cut back on the social life. But then you have the danger of becoming a social recluse. If you live with someone at least you can stay in with another person. And buying food for one isn’t easy either….you end up wasting a lot of stuff or eating the same meals for lunch and dinner on consecutive days. And bills, I don’t think you’d use much more electricity or gas being a two but at least you can split the cost. 

I don’t mean to be woe is me…little miss singleton. But the reality is that it’s harder on your own. But what’s the alternative…live at home waiting in vain to find someone I can do all this with? Or bite the bullet and just do it on my own?! 

I really am excited about finally get my own place. But the thought of it is also a bit daunting. But you know what…it’ll be mine. Just mine. My first house funded by me (and a little bit by my parents 🙈). 

LIFE

I’m in bed at the moment continuing my addiction to documentaries….for the last few weeks I’ve watched the majority of Netflix docos that have had a 4 star plus  rating. Not going to lie…I have a weird fascination when it comes to crime based docos….especially murder ones. Not because I’m a psychopath, but I’m just intrigued by the human brain and how it can work in such a way that it allows people to think it’s ok take someone else’s life. 

Yesterday was my rest day. I’ve felt a little burnt out lately…too much going on. So I told myself that Saturday was going to be my day off. A day off from everything. I woke up as normal around 7.30am….fell asleep again….then around 9.00am I was fully awake. I turned on my tv and started on my doco journey. I stayed in bed until midday…it was great. I then had breakfast, had a shower and got dressed. And then I relocated to the sofa where I continued on my journey…. 

A few of my documentary recommendations have come from my friends at work. We seem to have regular discussions on what we have watched recently and what we should add to our lists! After this weeks conversation yesterday’s delights were mainly about death row, serial killers and gangster crime! And I wonder why I’m still single……!!!! 

Amongst all this monotonous tv viewing I had some news. Some sad news about a family member. It made me think about life. My life. Life in general. Life on earth. 

This weekend I’ve learned about so many different lives. People who have suffered, people who have killed, people who have feared for their lives and people who have given up. 

Watching the programs I did this weekend touched on so many emotions. Anger, frustration, sadness….and guilt. 

The guilt is there and will always be there. Because there have been times in my life that I’ve decided I’m done. That I just can’t be bothered to fight anymore. That it’s too much for me. I’ve put my loved ones through hell in these moments. Are they moments of selfishness? I don’t know. But what I do know is that they are moments of desperation, suffocation, hopelessness and  defeat. 

I look back with regret. But I cannot say those moments and thoughts are gone forever. I’m just doing my best to build the biggest and strongest wall between me and them.

Life is unpredictable guys. Life can be short. Life can be long. But we just don’t know how the hell its going to turn out. So do the best you can, live the best life, and don’t sit in bed watching documentaries like me xxx 

6 x 6 = ? 

36!!! Thirty bloody six!!! How the hell did that happen?? I’m not there yet…but it’s less then 2 weeks away and I’m totally freaking out!! 

Every year I tell myself…this year will be different. This year you will do things. This will be your year, Shaena. It never is. Ever year passes and I feel like barely survived. Don’t get me wrong…good things have happened this year. Really good things. Toby came into my life, my little sister came home for Christmas, my best friend got married in the Alps and I got to go to the wedding, I had a fabulous holiday in Croatia with said best friend, I fell in love, I spent some quality time with my parents and I made it this far…. I made it to t-minus 12 days to my 36th birthday! 

But amongst all of that good stuff, as always there have bumps….obstacles….a lot of crap. Some of these things were as small as speed humps in the road. A sort of…ugh….that was annoying and slowed me down. Sometimes they were a bit bigger. I’d get stuck there for a day or two and needed to rest before I could get over them and carry on. And then there were the road blocks. That stopped me dead in my tracks. I fell to the ground and stayed there for days…sometimes longer. Wanting to give up but hearing the voices of all of the people that cared about me to keep on trying. Asking me to pick myself up, gather all my strength and destroy that road block! 

I did. It worked. I’m still here.

So how am I doing? Ok I guess. Work is crazy busy and I’m still doing my sessions with fit body bootcamp but not as much as I’d like to. I haven’t done any sessions at home which I’m disappointed with but I’m so tired all the time. Some times physically but most of the time mentally. I do have one exciting thing happening at the moment though…I’m in the process of buying a house. Never thought I’d say that…me, buy a house. But it’s happening….and fingers crossed all being well I’ll have a lovely little home for me and Toby to move into before Christmas. 

I guess that’s something to be proud of. Although it would no be happening without the help of bank of mum and dad. What would I do without them! They keep me going, they support me when I’m struggling and they fight for me even harder then I do for myself at times. 

So 36….what do you have in store for me? Good things I hope…and for the not so good I hope I’ve got it in me to get through another year X 

A 6 week fling or a lifetime commitment? 

This weekend marks the end of my Fit Body Bootcamp 6 week challenge. Now admittedly when I decided to do this challenge I thought at the end of the 6 weeks I’d look in the mirror and be like “wow Shaena! You look amazing!”. Ok so that might not have happened but here are the things I’ve learned and the changes I have noticed… 

Mood and motivation 

When I started out I was still crawling out of a very dark place. My confidence was in shattered and I was not a happy bunny. As we are told over and over exercise helps release endorphins in us, lifting our mood and making us feel a lot brighter. I’ve always known this to be true but sometimes breaking out of that viscous depression cycle can be hard. When you are down your energy levels are low, your motivation is non existent and you generally just don’t want to make the effort to do anything. That’s where I was and I needed to snap out of it. Thanks to a little push from my friend Becca I signed up for my free 3 day trial with FBBC and enjoyed the sessions so much I embarked on the 6 week program. 

So have those endorphins worked their magic? Yes they have…aside from the odd down day I’ve generally felt more up beat, have more life in me and my motivation to get things done has improved not only in relation to my health and fitness but also at work. I’ve even had people comment on how much more up beat and positive I am. And on those down days I make sure to choose the dumb bells over the duvet! 

Strong not skinny

The most obvious physical change I’ve noticed in myself has been my strength. When I started out with FBBC I was back to doing push ups on my knees, the thought of just one burpee would fill me with dread and commandos….hahaha…what a joke! 

But less then 6 weeks later I’m back doing push ups on my toes (not all, but as many as I can), burpees are slow but the fear has gone and I can actually do commandos!! I’m so proud of myself for making such good progress in quite a short amount of time. I knew it was possible because I’ve done it before, but I guess with me it’s about having someone to push me and tell me that I can do it as I often give into those negative thoughts that tell me otherwise.

Balance 

Round about week 4 of the challenge I started to slip a little….or so I thought. I was still getting my workouts in but I wasn’t quite sticking to the food plan. I was still around 80% on track but I my food portions were a little off and I gave into the odd treat. But rather then feel like I failed I looked at things differently. 

For me, I didn’t want the 6 week challenge to be….well, just that I suppose. I wanted it to be something more. I wanted it to be the start of a new habit. Something that would last longer then 6 weeks…something that I would stay committed too. So the slip ups, days off, cheat meals I decided not to see them that way. Instead I decided that I would call it balance. 

Each time I embark on a new health and fitness journey, I go all or nothing. I’ve mentioned this before. I struggle to find the balance and because of that I end up getting tired, bored or I burn myself out. So to avoid the rest days that turn into rest weeks and the “fuck it” food moments that spiral out of control I will allow myself the time and space to breathe and once in a while let myself be only 80% perfect! 

Mindset 

I don’t think I need to say much about my mindset. I think everything I’ve said so far is proof enough that my mindset is where it needs to be.

Support

The most important thing I’ve learned over the last 6 weeks is that I don’t just want this to be a phase. I want this to be a permanent lifestyle change. In order to do that I don’t think I’m ready to go it alone just yet. I still need more guidance, structure and basically someone to kick my ass when I’m not sticking with the program so to speak. So I’m staying with the FBBC family for a little longer. They’ve been amazing. From Oli’s motivational emails and additional workout options, to the ever supportive ladies in the Facebook group and of course our trainers…Callam, Craig and Adam. You guys have been awesome. I may have wanted to cry at times but you guys have pushed me and made me realise I can always do just one more rep! 

So what’s next?

THE GAME CHANGER!! 

Food fails! 

As I come to the end of week 4 of the fit body bootcamp challenge, I’m a little disappointed in myself. I’ve stuck to the workouts….got 3 HIIT sessions in this week and a decent 45min LISS workout as well. But some naughty food habits have crept back in 😕 

I started the week off well with all my meals prepared according to the plan. But I think I got to about Wednesday and started letting the odd treat slip in. Then on Thursday and Friday I’m pretty sure my evening meal portions were too large as I definitely felt i’d over eaten. Then yesterday I met friends for a late lunch and ate this….. 


Oh and there was wine last night….Woops! 🙈

So what now??? Well I’m not going to cry about it or beat myself up. Even with me going slightly off track I reckon I still stuck to the food plan 70% of the week. And that burger was bloody amazing so no regrets there 😂

But I know this sort of behavior is only going to slow down my progress and prevent me from achieving my goals so I need to sort my shit out!! 

So this week I’m getting back on it! I’m going to make sure I fill my food grids in, im going plan my meals a little better and I’m going to keep reminding myself why I started this journey in the first place! 

The road to your dreams is never straightforward and perfect. There are bumps, road blocks and sometimes even massive gaping holes, the important thing is how you get passed these and keep going. So with that I’m going to get my lazy ass out of bed and smash out this Sunday morning booty session and get back on track!! 


Happy Sunday folks xx 

Eat, sleep and move ❤️

This time last week I was on holiday countdown….how can it be that it’s all over already?! Alex and I had the best time….Croatia is a beautiful place and I definitely want to go back there again! Here are just a few pictures from our trip…


So anyway….back to reality and back to work tomorrow! Oddly I’m not feeling too sad about it to be honest. As much as we didn’t want to leave I made sure that I didn’t let the post holiday blues spiral and kill my positive attitude. I was tired when I got home today but dragged my ass to FBBC this evening and got back on it!!! 

Just want to go back to this time last week again. The Tuesday before I flew out to Croatia I had a little progress review with Oli from FBBC. We had a chat about how I was getting on and discussed my goals in more depth. I know my goals are realistic and achievable because I’ve done it before but we meeded to figure out why I couldn’t make the habits stick. There were a few different reasons but the two big ones for me were balance and my mental health struggles. 

First Oli talked me through what he called the depression triangle… 


I mean it’s pretty obvious really….eat well, exercise and give your body the rest it needs by getting a decent nights sleep! When I’m in this routine if you like, everything feels good. I’m brighter, more energetic and the depression leaves me alone. However, when any of these slip for more then a few days that’s when I’m in trouble. So I need to keep on top of these 3 things which I know I can do but I have to avoid burnout. 

That brings me onto balance. The reason my healthy habits won’t stick is because I’m an all or nothing kinda girl. I’ll workout like a crazy person for weeks/months at a time but then all of a sudden it’ll stop. I get exhausted so I start with a rest day,which turns into a few rest days and then all of a sudden 2 weeks have gone by and I don’t even know where my training shoes are anymore! Same goes for food….ill be pretty strict with myself and then I’ll just binge for a week. So the routine starts to fall apart and before you know depression is knocking at my door again with its friends; self loathing, failure and what’s the point. The sleepless nights kick in and everything just falls apart. 

So how do I avoid that? Well, Oli asked how many times a week I wanted to train. I said 5….he looked at me and said “no more then 3!” I must have looked horrified because he then said…”ok then, 4″. But then he asked me to think about it on a larger scale rather then focus on a week. He suggested that I work on the basis that there are 4 weeks in a month (roughly) so multiply that by 4 sessions and you have 16. So I have to aim for 16 sessions a month but keep the routine flexible. This way if I’m too busy at work or having too much on one week I can just get a couple of sessions in. But on a quieter week I might do 5 or 6. This made much more sense to me and hopefully will help me avoid that “I messed up because I didn’t make it to Monday’s session” feeling. 

So now the holiday is out of the way it’s time to get on and smash my goals whilst hopefully remaining positive, energetic and balanced. 


So off to bed now to get at least 8 hours sleep….so I can conquer the world tomorrow 💕

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