2016

It’s been a while…I know! Life just got busy and I got lazy. Well, maybe not lazy so to speak but getting out of bed, getting to work, feeding my dog and just getting through each day doing the minimum was all I could manage to be honest. 

I used to write a lot of my posts at the end of the day when I got into bed, just before I fell asleep. But it got a point that I was so exhausted that once I’d had dinner all I  wanted was to sleep…so I did! 

I wanted to write today so I could sum up my year, think about the things that have happened, the memories I’ve made and the lessons I’ve learned. Don’t worry I won’t go through everything in tiny detail…who wants to read all that crap! But for me if I get it out in the open I can move on and start tomorrow…next year, afresh! 

The year started well…but only after a reality check from my momma bear. I got back in the gym, I started to take of myself and I tried that whole positivity thing. It worked….I was feeling really good. I caught up with friends, I went to the beautiful snowy Alps to see my best friend get married and I fell in love. 

Unfortunately that love was short lived and darkness appeared. It sounds so pathetic to admit that a broken heart made me fall apart. But hey…everyone has something. And this was mine. I felt like I was back at square one. I did stupid things, I hurt the people I loved and the self hatred was immense. 

But! Again, with the support of my amazing family and friends I picked myself up and got myself back on track. There have been wobbles along the way….there always will be but I can actually say I’m doing ok. 

I’ve had more adventures….an amazing trip to Croatia with my rice pudding, Alex. The best weekend with my girls in a gorgeous cottage in Derbyshire and the best weekend in NYC!! I literally fell in love with that city. The concrete jungle where dreams are made of 💕

I’ve had ups and down with friends. It’s been sad but the ones that matter are still around. I’ve also made new friends. In the most strangest of circumstances. But these people have made me realise that people come into your life for reasons…good or bad…there’s always a reason. My new friends have helped me on my journey….amongst the harsh realities, the cold truths and the generous hearts I am in a better place because of them. 

And so here I am. I survived a lonely Christmas, a tough year and despite the hard times I’m doing ok. Tonight I’m going to have a quiet night in with my pooch and be thankful that I’m still here to see in another new year. Happy new year everyone….hope 2017 treats you kindly xx 

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Goodbye 2015

When people say ‘Happy New Year’, what does that even mean? I know people are wishing everyone happiness for the year ahead but really??? I mean whose year is full of complete happiness? Maybe some, but everyone has rough times over the year surely? Is anyone truly happy through the the entire year?

I sound miserable don’t I? I’m sorry. I just don’t feel all that excited about the year ahead. Not because it won’t be a good one. But because I don’t know what it will bring. Last year I was excited about the good things to come but look where I ended up? Was it my fault? Did I not try hard enough? Did I do something wrong?

This last year for me has been crazy. It started well and slowly and gradually it got darker and darker. I fought…I really did. I tried to deal with the bad thoughts I was getting but I just couldn’t do it! So I hit a wall. A hard one. I had to get back on medication, my fitness regime went out of the window and I even had to take some time off work.

When I look back I don’t think my year was that terrible. I just think things deteriorated slowly. Initially I didn’t even realise it was happening….not until it was really bad anyway. The last few months have been tough. Really tough. Having my baby sister come and visit was just was I needed. I got to be myself, bad days and good. We had a great time together and I loved having her here. And to top it off my Momma bear came home just before christmas. When I started struggling she got worried and decided she wanted to be here with me. I didn’t ask for it but I’m grateful for her being here. I do need the support and sometimes I’m just to scared to ask for it.

So I had a semi family christmas which was lovely. It was emotional at times as I’m still dealing with a lot but having my sis and mum here was more then I could ever ask for.

I’ve also had some amazing support from other friends. My BBG girls have been amazing…messaging regularly to see how I am, sending flowers and just generally being amazing. My friend Alex has been there every day for me. Checking on me, messaging to see how I am and gnereally making me know I not alone. When you are going through a hard time your true friends really do appear and I’m lucky I have so many.

So anyway 2016 is a mere 4 hours away. Am I excited? Not really! I’m just thankful. I’m thankful I got through 2015 and still here to see in new year. There are times where I’ve wanted to give up. To not continue. To not keep going. I know it sounds utterly selfish but when you feel hopeless, full of self loathing and cannot see the purpose of your existence you literally can’t see any other way out.

But I’m still here. I want to keep going. So come at me 2016. I’m not going to tell myself I’ll do all these amazing things. I just want to get through another year. Getting through a day is hard enough at the moment so I think that would be an achievement on its own. Life is hard folks. Don’t set yourself unrealistic new year goals and resolutions. Just strive to get through things, be as happy as life will allow you to be and strong enough to fight through the times when life isn’t so great.

Be good to yourself next year. I will try to do the same XXX

 

And then there were 3 :) 

I had a very wobbly weekend last week. Sleepless nights, lonely days and strange feelings of anxiety. Thankfully that all changed on Tuesday. Why? Because my little sister came home 🙂   
We have had the best time together so far. It’s like she never left. Lots of pj time on the couch, eating our favorite foods, catching up with friends and we had an amazing day out on Friday at the Harry Potter studios. It’s been so much fun and I’m loving having her home. 

   
   
The best thing that’s happened is when we picked up the new member of our family on Wednesday. Meet Toby my beautiful greyhound baby. He’s the best decision I’ve ever made. The most gorgeous and gentle dog ever! I love him so much already. 

   
 We’ve had a very lazy Sunday today. Me, my sis and Toby. It’s been perfect. Tomorrow is my last day off before I go back to work. I’m less apprehensive this time. Not sure if it’s having people around me but I’m definitely feeling better going back. I’ll keep you posted with how I get on. 

Next thing is getting myself back into a routine with the gym. I know I need to ease back into it slowly but I think I’m ready to start back. I think I’ll get my first week at work done first then try and do a few gentle sessions to help keep those Christmas calories at bay. 

I can’t believe Christmas is just around the corner but I’m finally getting excited about it. Especially when I know there’s going to be someone else joining us. But that’s a secret for now…so watch this space!! xx 

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