Frazzled 

That’s how I feel right now. Frazzled. I’ve gone from feeling up beat and positive to let me cry and sleep for the next 2 weeks…at least. 

Nothing bad is happening but my mind is on over drive and my days are going from mediocre to horrendous. A couple of days ago I could barely function at work and when I got home I felt like I was running on empty. Toby was being a shit for a start and after I finished yelling/crying at him I had to deal with everything else. Everything else involved tidying up, cooking dinner and just getting myself in a position where I was ready for the next day. Doesn’t sound terrible at all but I was drained. I had no energy left. I nearly fell asleep at the kitchen table at 6pm! 

Thankfully I talked to my friends….they listened, they told me what I needed to do and they got me through the night. So pulled up my girl pants and got on with it. And I survived…woop!! 

I’ve felt so much better since then but I’m still not quite on track. The gym will not be seeing my face this week as I can’t even think about that right now. Last night I barely slept because I was either in the bathroom or laying in bed having minor anxiety episodes about things that aren’t even that big a deal. 

I’m a worrier. An over thinker. And a general stress head. I don’t have anything particularly massive going on right now but that doesn’t mean my mind doesn’t go into over drive at times. My parents are back next week and I can’t wait to see them. I think a lot of what’s going on with me is related to that. I know that things will get easier when they’re home but I feel like the build up is weirdly stressing me out. I can’t explain why, but it just is. 

I do have a lot to get in order for their return. Mainly cleaning ūüôĄ. But why that’s stressing me out I don’t know. I’ve got a catch up with some of my girls on Saturday night and whilst in one of my anxiety episodes last night I nearly cancelled on them. But I thankfully had a change of heart today and realized a time out with friends who get me and support me is something I probably need right now. 

So anyway, I’m really trying my best to switch off from the worrying thoughts and chill out this week. I’m doing better but my annoying mind likes to make things hard for me at times. But I will persevere, fight the evil voices and find that positivity again to get me through the weekend. And then as of Tuesday I have my folks back. And I’m not ashamed to say…that even at the age of 36, I cannot bloody wait!!!! 

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Easter blues 

Happy Easter!!! Bleurgh! 

Sorry…I really do hope you’re all having a nice start to the long weekend. I however am not. Last week I started dreading Easter weekend. I was being such a Moaning Myrtle whenever anyone asked what I was up to. Basically Easter weekend for me is generally 4 days off of being fairly miserable and Billy no mates. Now before you think I’m just being melodramatic let me try and explain…

It’s just another long weekend…right? Not that different from Christmas? Which I actually spent alone and was totally fine with. But here’s the difference… At Christmas it’s winter. There is copious amounts of TV to watch and it’s perfectly acceptable to hibernate and be a social recluse whilst cosying up with a glass of wine, comfort food and binge watching Christmas movies. 

Fast forward 4 months.. Easter weekend is generally a brighter and more sociable holiday weekend. People are out and about doing things. Going away for mini breaks. Spending time with family and friends. However, for us single folk Easter can be kinda shitty. 

I don’t have many single friends…and I have no family within a 9 hour flight away. So my options are limited. And yes I know it’s not the end of the world but all I’m saying is that it can get lonely. I think social media has a lot to do with it as if I wasn’t having to see what everyone else was up to this weekend then it wouldn’t feel that bad. But sadly….that’s just how it is. 

Anyway a friend of mine tried to help me make my dreaded 4 day weekend less crappy. We decided on all the things I could do this weekend so I wouldn’t feel such a miserable cow. Admittedly they were lone activities but they were going to keep me busy none the less. And then….the plague hit!

I wasn’t feel that great yesterday but I’ve had a fairly busy couple of weeks so put it down to that. At 4pm I turned my laptop off and then it happened. HELLO ILLNESS!!

Within an hour I was laying on the sofa. Unable to move, eat, get warm or sleep. This continued until I fell asleep at about 11.30 last night. I haven’t been this sick in ages and I felt dreadful. So suddenly my Easter weekend went from being alone to being sick and alone. ūüė≠

This is not me wanting sympathy. It’s not a pity post. It’s just me trying to explain why sometimes when you are on your own things can kinda suck. I’ve had people try and give me advice on what to do and how to keep busy but honestly if you’ve not been here then you don’t really know. 

Not one of my most positive posts but this is what’s on my mind and that’s what my blog is meant to be about. So apologies if you think I’m just having a whinge but I’m just sharing my thoughts and feelings….

Moaning Myrtle….over and out! 

2016

It’s been a while…I know! Life just got busy and I got lazy. Well, maybe not lazy so to speak but getting out of bed, getting to work, feeding my dog and just getting through each day doing the minimum was all I could manage to be honest. 

I used to write a lot of my posts at the end of the day when I got into bed, just before I fell asleep. But it got a point that I was so exhausted that once I’d had dinner all I  wanted was to sleep…so I did! 

I wanted to write today so I could sum up my year, think about the things that have happened, the memories I’ve made and the lessons I’ve learned. Don’t worry I won’t go through everything in tiny detail…who wants to read all that crap! But for me if I get it out in the open I can move on and start tomorrow…next year, afresh! 

The year started well…but only after a reality check from my momma bear. I got back in the gym, I started to take of myself and I tried that whole positivity thing. It worked….I was feeling really good. I caught up with friends, I went to the beautiful snowy Alps to see my best friend get married and I fell in love. 

Unfortunately that love was short lived and darkness appeared. It sounds so pathetic to admit that a broken heart made me fall apart. But hey…everyone has something. And this was mine. I felt like I was back at square one. I did stupid things, I hurt the people I loved and the self hatred was immense. 

But! Again, with the support of my amazing family and friends I picked myself up and got myself back on track. There have been wobbles along the way….there always will be but I can actually say I’m doing ok. 

I’ve had more adventures….an amazing trip to Croatia with my rice pudding, Alex. The best weekend with my girls in a gorgeous cottage in Derbyshire and the best weekend in NYC!! I literally fell in love with that city. The concrete jungle where dreams are made of ūüíē

I’ve had ups and down with friends. It’s been sad but the ones that matter are still around. I’ve also made new friends. In the most strangest of circumstances. But these people have made me realise that people come into your life for reasons…good or bad…there’s always a reason. My new friends have helped me on my journey….amongst the harsh realities, the cold truths and the generous hearts I am in a better place because of them. 

And so here I am. I survived a lonely Christmas, a tough year and despite the hard times I’m doing ok. Tonight I’m going to have a quiet night in with my pooch and be thankful that I’m still here to see in another new year. Happy new year everyone….hope 2017 treats you kindly xx 

Sort your shit out Shaena 

Like, what was that last blog even about?! Sorry….it was a random realization in my head that I had to write down. 

Anyways my gorgeous honey H, reminded me that I am now less then 2 weeks away from my holiday to NYC!!! I won’t lie, it’s stressing me out like nobody’s business….but I know I’ll be fine once we are there. 

It’s been a month since the cottage weekend with my beauties and honestly….I still feel pants. I have a couple of OK days and then feel wiped out again. I have no idea what’s wrong with me but I’m seriously bored of feeling this tired, exhausted and crappy all the time. And whatever it is had better jog on before I get on that plane to the big apple!!! 

I’m in a weird place right now. I’m feeling a little lost, very overwhelmed, heartbroken (still) and anxious. All these things are leaving me drained, demotivated and a bit of a social recluse! 

People tell me I’m strong, but at times like these I don’t feel it. If I could, I’d hide away under the duvet forever!!! 

So anyway…..New York, if you’re listening. Please bring me back to life….I need to be reminded that life is magical and worth getting out of bed for xx 

Pause. Regroup. Restart. 

I had a meltdown a few weeks back. I don’t really know why. It just happened. I got back from the gym one night and just couldn’t stop crying. I think a lot of it was over tiredness but I’d had an emotional week at work as well and loads of other things going on. Everything just got too much and I broke. 

Since then I’ve just been taking each day as it comes. I stopped the gym. For a while I was disappointed with myself, but then I realised I was doing the right thing for me. My head wasn’t in the right place at the time. I needed to cut back…on everything. So I kept it simple. I got up, I went to work, I came home, ate dinner and then I went to bed. It’s all I could cope with. 

There’s been a lot of Netflix as I mentioned in my last post. If anyone wants any documentary recommendations just let me know….I’ve gotten through so many. But there’s also been a lot of contemplating. Thinking about my life and where I am. 

Firstly I’m over weight…again! I saw it happening but I wasn’t in the right headspace to do anything about it. My focus was just to get through each day. The absence of exercise coupled with eating crap has taken it toll and this morning after changing my outfit 5 times I knew that enough was enough. 

Add to that my relapse with the blue eyed boy. I let him get to me again and inevitably, hurt me again. 

These things, little as they may seem, when piled on me together, leave me feeling hopeless, worthless and well….just a bit shitty. I’ve had my meds increased again which sometimes makes me feel like I’m failing. Stupid really because if you go to the doctor because your back pain has gotten worse you wouldn’t think twice of upping your pain meds. So that’s what I’m doing….trying to eleviate the ‘pain’. 

I’ve got a busy few days ahead as of tomorrow. Family wedding and a trip to Manchester to see two of my fave northern birds. But once the weekend is over the focus is back on me. 

I need to start eating better, I need to get some sort of exercise back in my life and I just need to start looking after number one. And I’ve decided that I’m not going to use social media as a help guide anymore. What was once motivation for me is now becoming destructive. I see where others are and compare myself. Why am I still single, why can’t I get fit and healthy, why did I only get 5 likes for that post, why is everyone happier and better then me?! It’s ridiculous now I’ve said it but that’s what goes through my mind way too often. So from now on I will only follow and take in the people that fill me with love, support and positivity. 

It’s time to get my head together. It’s time to focus on what’s important. And it’s time to restart. 

LIFE

I’m in bed at the moment continuing my addiction to documentaries….for the last few weeks I’ve watched the majority of Netflix docos that have had a 4 star plus  rating. Not going to lie…I have a weird fascination when it comes to crime based docos….especially murder ones. Not because I’m a psychopath, but I’m just intrigued by the human brain and how it can work in such a way that it allows people to think it’s ok take someone else’s life. 

Yesterday was my rest day. I’ve felt a little burnt out lately…too much going on. So I told myself that Saturday was going to be my day off. A day off from everything. I woke up as normal around 7.30am….fell asleep again….then around 9.00am I was fully awake. I turned on my tv and started on my doco journey. I stayed in bed until midday…it was great. I then had breakfast, had a shower and got dressed. And then I relocated to the sofa where I continued on my journey…. 

A few of my documentary recommendations have come from my friends at work. We seem to have regular discussions on what we have watched recently and what we should add to our lists! After this weeks conversation yesterday’s delights were mainly about death row, serial killers and gangster crime! And I wonder why I’m still single……!!!! 

Amongst all this monotonous tv viewing I had some news. Some sad news about a family member. It made me think about life. My life. Life in general. Life on earth. 

This weekend I’ve learned about so many different lives. People who have suffered, people who have killed, people who have feared for their lives and people who have given up. 

Watching the programs I did this weekend touched on so many emotions. Anger, frustration, sadness….and guilt. 

The guilt is there and will always be there. Because there have been times in my life that I’ve decided I’m done. That I just can’t be bothered to fight anymore. That it’s too much for me. I’ve put my loved ones through hell in these moments. Are they moments of selfishness? I don’t know. But what I do know is that they are moments of desperation, suffocation, hopelessness and  defeat. 

I look back with regret. But I cannot say those moments and thoughts are gone forever. I’m just doing my best to build the biggest and strongest wall between me and them.

Life is unpredictable guys. Life can be short. Life can be long. But we just don’t know how the hell its going to turn out. So do the best you can, live the best life, and don’t sit in bed watching documentaries like me xxx 

6 x 6 = ? 

36!!! Thirty bloody six!!! How the hell did that happen?? I’m not there yet…but it’s less then 2 weeks away and I’m totally freaking out!! 

Every year I tell myself…this year will be different. This year you will do things. This will be your year, Shaena. It never is. Ever year passes and I feel like barely survived. Don’t get me wrong…good things have happened this year. Really good things. Toby came into my life, my little sister came home for Christmas, my best friend got married in the Alps and I got to go to the wedding, I had a fabulous holiday in Croatia with said best friend, I fell in love, I spent some quality time with my parents and I made it this far…. I made it to t-minus 12 days to my 36th birthday! 

But amongst all of that good stuff, as always there have bumps….obstacles….a lot of crap. Some of these things were as small as speed humps in the road. A sort of…ugh….that was annoying and slowed me down. Sometimes they were a bit bigger. I’d get stuck there for a day or two and needed to rest before I could get over them and carry on. And then there were the road blocks. That stopped me dead in my tracks. I fell to the ground and stayed there for days…sometimes longer. Wanting to give up but hearing the voices of all of the people that cared about me to keep on trying. Asking me to pick myself up, gather all my strength and destroy that road block! 

I did. It worked. I’m still here.

So how am I doing? Ok I guess. Work is crazy busy and I’m still doing my sessions with fit body bootcamp but not as much as I’d like to. I haven’t done any sessions at home which I’m disappointed with but I’m so tired all the time. Some times physically but most of the time mentally. I do have one exciting thing happening at the moment though…I’m in the process of buying a house. Never thought I’d say that…me, buy a house. But it’s happening….and fingers crossed all being well I’ll have a lovely little home for me and Toby to move into before Christmas. 

I guess that’s something to be proud of. Although it would no be happening without the help of bank of mum and dad. What would I do without them! They keep me going, they support me when I’m struggling and they fight for me even harder then I do for myself at times. 

So 36….what do you have in store for me? Good things I hope…and for the not so good I hope I’ve got it in me to get through another year X 

Get back up and fight 

I’ve just finished reading Khloe Kardashian’s Strong looks better naked. Never thought I’d find myself turning to a Kardashian for inspiration but life is full of surprises. I loved her book. She shared her thoughts on how to make yourself a stronger and better person…inside and out. 

A lot of what she said resonated with me and although when you have a mental illness it’s not as simple as pick yourself and move forward….her get back up and fight attitude really made me rethink where I am right now. 

As I said in my last post I’m doing ok. What I’d like though, is to be doing better then ok. I’ve been knocked down many times and have got back up again so I know that I have it in me (somewhere) to do the same again. 

Depression can sometimes become a dark comfort. A place where it’s ok to be negative. A bubble of sadness where no one can hurt you because, well, you’re already in pain. It’s a ‘safe’ place where you don’t have to try anymore. I’ll admit, sometimes it’s just easier to hide there. But how’s that helping anyone? Simple. It’s not. 

So….I need to get back up and fight. No one else is going to save me. No one else can help me heal. No one else can bring me back to life. It’s all down to me. 


I loved this paragraph in Khloe’s book. It really made me think. Ok so for me it takes a little extra help….I can’t just pick myself up and dust myself off. Medication and therapy is required…but that’s ok isn’t it?! Im unwell, I have an illness that will never completely go away. So getting back up after a stumble for me is a lot harder. But I know I can do it. It just takes time, strength and self belief. You have to want it or it won’t happen. 

3 weeks ago I was wishing my life was over. Today, I can see a little light again. I’m not sure whether it’s in me or lighting the way forward but I’m just glad it’s there. I’m ready to get back up and fight X 

I’m sorry….I just can’t cope right now¬†

The title of this post might be a bit misleading as I think I’m actually doing ok at the moment. I’m getting out of bed, going to work (and actually doing work most days) and maintaining a fairly normal home life….by that I mean I still remember to feed my dog, occasionally cook a meal and of course help my mum around the house. Not going to lie, I’ve not been the best help….but I’m doing what I can. Depression is exhausting and for those that don’t quite get it it might just sound like an excuse to be lazy but seriously….sometimes I can’t even be bothered to get up and go to the bathroom to pee I’m so tired. I just wanted to talk about how hard it can be at times even when we show to others we are ok. 

Tiredness comes in different forms. There’s the obvious just wanting to sleep a lot. I like to be in bed by 9 these days. Any later and the stress starts to kick in. Not sure why because for the last few weeks I’ve actually been sleeping ok. But….bed is where I want to be. There are also often days where I end up napping on the couch. I was never much of a napper but it’s becoming quite a regular thing for me…especially at weekends.

And then there’s the mental tiredness. Where you can’t sleep but you can’t function. The brain just says no. And in all honesty…when that happens, all I want is to hide under my duvet. Unfortunately that’s not always possible so I have to push through it and get on with my day. 

Having a mental illness sucks. Because nobody can see it. It’s just there and it comes and goes without warning. sometimes there are triggers, sometimes you just wake up and you want the ground to swallow you up. That’s how it is for me anyway. 

The thoughts that go through my head sometimes, are beyond ridiculous. I know that. But I feel them. And most of the time I believe them. Those demons are a pain in the ass!!!

On a good day I find distractions….I keep busy, work is good, I chat with family and friends and I watch tv until my eyes no longer stay open. I like those days, no time to think. No time for demons. 

But there are bad days. Obviously. On those days even the fact that I’ve woken up destroys me. And then I have to deal with the day, deal with people, go to work……function. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. It’s. Just. Not. Fun. 

My mum said to me the other day. Everyone goes through bad times, you just need to learn to cope better. I can understand where she’s coming from…but here’s the thing. On an average day I’m already trying to fight my way through, cope with things that others wouldn’t even give a second thought to…I’m trying my hardest to survive. So….when something bad happens, I fall. Because I’m all spent on the ok days. I have no energy left for the tough times. I give up. I fall apart. I crumble. 

Mental health is different for everyone that suffers. For me it’s a daily battle to beat the demons and make it to the next sunrise. 

I didn’t ask for this, I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone and I hope that this post helps people realise how horrible this can be. 

Where’s your head at???¬†

Ummm….all over the place. But!!! The dark grey heavy clouds parted over the weekend. I saw brightness again. Not much but enough to know I can pick myself, dust myself off and find my way again. 

My heart still aches for the boy. But now more so because I know he’s in pain too. And I can’t do anything to help him. I understand to some extent how he’s feeling because I’ve been there many times. But it doesn’t mean I can help him. Firstly I don’t think he will let me, second I need to make sure I focus on myself first and lastly…you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. All I can do is be there for him. So that’s what I’m doing. 

But me first. I need to make sure of that. I don’t want to rush into anything so I’m just taking it a day at a time. I’ve piled on the lbs again and I know I need to sort that out. But at the moment getting myself out of bed, into work and functioning as normal as possible is enough for now. I am ready to start moving forward again…just very slowly.

As for the boy. Well people are confused and a little negative about us still even talking. I understand why. But at the same time no one is in my shoes. We care about each other. I’m at a point in my life where finding people you connect with is rare. I don’t want him to go through his pain alone so if I can be there for him I will do it. 

I’m not doing this in the hopes he will change his mind. I’m doing this because I care about him and I don’t want him to suffer alone. But in order to be there for him I need to get myself sorted first. So that’s my first goal. Me. 

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