A permanent reminder 

This afternoon I got a new tattoo. It’s been something I’ve been thinking about for a long time…years in fact. After my first inking I promised myself I would think long and hard if I ever wanted another tattoo…because let’s face it the first one was spontaneous, meant nothing and I got it just because it was cool. Yes…I have a tramp stamp! 🙈

Moving on swiftly….my second one was thought about. Two years I had it on mind in fact. But again it was another spontaneous moment when I was loving life as a backpacker and I was sat in a bar with my lovely friend Ashleigh on the island of Koh Phangan in Thailand and we decided to go get tattoos. And that’s exactly what we did! Thankfully I’ve never regretted it. I still love it to this day. 

For a while I wanted another tattoo. And for years it was always an elephant. I love elephants. I love how beautiful they are, how peaceful they are and what they represent in my religion. But I was never 100% convinced…because I couldn’t decide what kind of elephant and where I would even have it. 

So that idea came and went… in more recent years I’ve loved the idea of a lotus flower. I chose it as my image for my blog for what it represented. The lotus flower has many meanings, but for me it symbolizes being reborn…finding life again after a very murky and muddy existence. Because that’s where I was. In the mud. And I think I’ve finally found my way again. 

So that’s what I decided on. But I wanted to incorporate one more thing. The semi colon. An every day punctuation mark that has become an international symbol for suicide awareness. It represents the pause in a sentence…and in the world of mental health it represents a pause in someone’s life…but a life that carries on. 

I don’t want to or need to explain my choices. But for me these two symbols represent a part of me and my life and that is why I chose to have them placed on me as a permanent reminder.  

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Dance party 🙌

This is literally what my life is like at the moment. Dance party for one and I’m bloody loving it!! 

Don’t know why, how or what has made me feel this good but I’m not questioning it and I’m just enjoying it while it lasts! 

💃🏻

Dear Joe…

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I haven’t forgotten about you but things just got kinda busy. But in a good way so I hope you’ll forgive the delay in posting… 

If you recall my last post was all about my first day back in the world of fitness. Why I’d failed so many times before and how I was ready to start over. I failed…again! 🤦🏽‍♀️ As per usual I got way ahead of myself and the new regime lasted no more then a week or so….🙄

So what did I do about it? Nothing. I didn’t dwell on it, I didn’t feel guilty about it, I just decided it wasn’t quite right and I just got on with things. That’s my new way of dealing with things that would have normally stressed me out or gotten me down and annoyed with myself. No more negativity over here!! 👌

There have been a few other things that haven’t quite gone as I’d hoped in the last few months. The house purchase being the main one. Long story short, it didn’t work out. But weirdly I wasn’t too gutted about it. Aside from the feeling of ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ I also felt a sense of relief. The whole process was so stressful and it made me realize that maybe I wasn’t quite ready to chain myself to a life of mortgage payments, house improvements and well lets be honest….not having much of a life. So for now I’m staying where I am and putting that idea on hold! 

Since then I’ve just focused on myself and doing things that make me happy. I’ve caught up with friends, spent a lot of time in the kitchen doing what I love (and feeding my coworkers 😂) and of course there has been lots of chill time with Toby. 

There’s this one big thing that has made me really happy and has given me almost a whole new lease of life….I am no longer medicated!! 🙌 It’s been over a month now since I came off my meds and I’ve never felt stronger, more motivated and positive. It’s like a cloud has been lifted and my head feels clearer and my whole body just feels lighter. 

I never imagined I’d get here….in the past when I’ve come off my meds I’ve felt uneasy and almost a little unsafe. Always waiting to fall back into a dark hole. I don’t know what’s different this time but those feelings aren’t there. I’ve accepted that I will have times when I will struggle and there will be wobbles, but for the first time in god knows how long I’m ok with that and I don’t feel the need for medical help.

As a result I’ve been doing some ‘spring’ cleaning in my life. Removing the things, people, thoughts that have been holding me back or bringing me down.

For anyone that follows me on instagram you’ll know that I’ve gone through phases where my health and fitness was such a big focus. I was following all sorts of people to help inspire, motivate and encourage me. Initially this did help but more recently the opposite was happening. Other people’s success, transformations, positivity was actually getting me down and making me feel pretty crap about myself. I wanted to be like them but didn’t know how to get there. One day something just clicked….why on earth was I trying to be like ‘them’? Surely the point was to be a better version of myself? I’ve known this all along but like so many others I got swept up in the…dare I say it…cruel world of social media. The world that is forever telling you what you should be doing, what you should be eating and how you should be feeling. Well I say bollocks to all that! This is me, like it or lump it. 

So last week I went on a culling spree…I unfollowed all the profiles that no longer inspired me, made me feel crap or no longer had a positive effect on me. And you know what? It felt bloody amazing!! And I guess over time I’ve been doing the same in my actual life as well. Figuring out what was no longer good for me and getting rid or backing away from it. And I’m going to continue to do this…if something or someone is not good for my mental state then I’m afraid it’s out! 🙅🏽

I think that’s the big thing I’ve learned…my mental wellbeing is way more important then my physical wellbeing. I’m talking about me personally. A lot of people say when they feel stressed, down or even depressed they exercise and it makes them feel better. I agree that this does work. But I think for me it’s the opposite…if I’m unhappy, struggling mentally or just in a dark place well you’ll be lucky to get me out of bed some days. So the chances of physical activity happening are slim to none. I have to get my mental state in a good place and then the rest will follow…and this week I think it finally started to happen. 

After an amazing weekend away with my girls I came home feeling motivated, in high spirits and generally more focused and happy. On Monday I had my first personal training session in well over a year….I went to a spin class on Wednesday with two of the girls from work and remembered how much I loved it. And on Friday night I swapped my evening in front of the tv with a glass of wine for a circuits class at the gym! 😊

And yes I know I’ve done this many times before and not stuck with it but this time I’m going to try my hardest not to make it a focus. I’ll do the things I enjoy, when I can. I’ll experiment in the kitchen with more healthy foods but I won’t cut out the things I love…(totally went to Maccy’s drive thru yesterday! 😜). Basically, I will do what’s right for me at the time. I just set myself up for failure by setting goals because I become too focused or obsessed and inevitably when I fail I get depressed and I’m back at square one!

So….a little late for my new year, new start. But who cares! I’m here now and this is how I’m hoping to see the rest of the year out… 

1. Do what I want, when I want and how I want… 

2. If I’m not happy, review what I’m doing currently and then refer back to number 1! 

3. Be me! 

😘

Ps some photos (mainly Toby and food!) of the last few months…. 😂

Oh and for everyone wondering who the hell Joe is….apparently he’s my number 1 blog fan! 😂

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