Pause. Regroup. Restart. 

I had a meltdown a few weeks back. I don’t really know why. It just happened. I got back from the gym one night and just couldn’t stop crying. I think a lot of it was over tiredness but I’d had an emotional week at work as well and loads of other things going on. Everything just got too much and I broke. 

Since then I’ve just been taking each day as it comes. I stopped the gym. For a while I was disappointed with myself, but then I realised I was doing the right thing for me. My head wasn’t in the right place at the time. I needed to cut back…on everything. So I kept it simple. I got up, I went to work, I came home, ate dinner and then I went to bed. It’s all I could cope with. 

There’s been a lot of Netflix as I mentioned in my last post. If anyone wants any documentary recommendations just let me know….I’ve gotten through so many. But there’s also been a lot of contemplating. Thinking about my life and where I am. 

Firstly I’m over weight…again! I saw it happening but I wasn’t in the right headspace to do anything about it. My focus was just to get through each day. The absence of exercise coupled with eating crap has taken it toll and this morning after changing my outfit 5 times I knew that enough was enough. 

Add to that my relapse with the blue eyed boy. I let him get to me again and inevitably, hurt me again. 

These things, little as they may seem, when piled on me together, leave me feeling hopeless, worthless and well….just a bit shitty. I’ve had my meds increased again which sometimes makes me feel like I’m failing. Stupid really because if you go to the doctor because your back pain has gotten worse you wouldn’t think twice of upping your pain meds. So that’s what I’m doing….trying to eleviate the ‘pain’. 

I’ve got a busy few days ahead as of tomorrow. Family wedding and a trip to Manchester to see two of my fave northern birds. But once the weekend is over the focus is back on me. 

I need to start eating better, I need to get some sort of exercise back in my life and I just need to start looking after number one. And I’ve decided that I’m not going to use social media as a help guide anymore. What was once motivation for me is now becoming destructive. I see where others are and compare myself. Why am I still single, why can’t I get fit and healthy, why did I only get 5 likes for that post, why is everyone happier and better then me?! It’s ridiculous now I’ve said it but that’s what goes through my mind way too often. So from now on I will only follow and take in the people that fill me with love, support and positivity. 

It’s time to get my head together. It’s time to focus on what’s important. And it’s time to restart. 

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