Get back up and fight 

I’ve just finished reading Khloe Kardashian’s Strong looks better naked. Never thought I’d find myself turning to a Kardashian for inspiration but life is full of surprises. I loved her book. She shared her thoughts on how to make yourself a stronger and better person…inside and out. 

A lot of what she said resonated with me and although when you have a mental illness it’s not as simple as pick yourself and move forward….her get back up and fight attitude really made me rethink where I am right now. 

As I said in my last post I’m doing ok. What I’d like though, is to be doing better then ok. I’ve been knocked down many times and have got back up again so I know that I have it in me (somewhere) to do the same again. 

Depression can sometimes become a dark comfort. A place where it’s ok to be negative. A bubble of sadness where no one can hurt you because, well, you’re already in pain. It’s a ‘safe’ place where you don’t have to try anymore. I’ll admit, sometimes it’s just easier to hide there. But how’s that helping anyone? Simple. It’s not. 

So….I need to get back up and fight. No one else is going to save me. No one else can help me heal. No one else can bring me back to life. It’s all down to me. 


I loved this paragraph in Khloe’s book. It really made me think. Ok so for me it takes a little extra help….I can’t just pick myself up and dust myself off. Medication and therapy is required…but that’s ok isn’t it?! Im unwell, I have an illness that will never completely go away. So getting back up after a stumble for me is a lot harder. But I know I can do it. It just takes time, strength and self belief. You have to want it or it won’t happen. 

3 weeks ago I was wishing my life was over. Today, I can see a little light again. I’m not sure whether it’s in me or lighting the way forward but I’m just glad it’s there. I’m ready to get back up and fight X 

I’m sorry….I just can’t cope right now 

The title of this post might be a bit misleading as I think I’m actually doing ok at the moment. I’m getting out of bed, going to work (and actually doing work most days) and maintaining a fairly normal home life….by that I mean I still remember to feed my dog, occasionally cook a meal and of course help my mum around the house. Not going to lie, I’ve not been the best help….but I’m doing what I can. Depression is exhausting and for those that don’t quite get it it might just sound like an excuse to be lazy but seriously….sometimes I can’t even be bothered to get up and go to the bathroom to pee I’m so tired. I just wanted to talk about how hard it can be at times even when we show to others we are ok. 

Tiredness comes in different forms. There’s the obvious just wanting to sleep a lot. I like to be in bed by 9 these days. Any later and the stress starts to kick in. Not sure why because for the last few weeks I’ve actually been sleeping ok. But….bed is where I want to be. There are also often days where I end up napping on the couch. I was never much of a napper but it’s becoming quite a regular thing for me…especially at weekends.

And then there’s the mental tiredness. Where you can’t sleep but you can’t function. The brain just says no. And in all honesty…when that happens, all I want is to hide under my duvet. Unfortunately that’s not always possible so I have to push through it and get on with my day. 

Having a mental illness sucks. Because nobody can see it. It’s just there and it comes and goes without warning. sometimes there are triggers, sometimes you just wake up and you want the ground to swallow you up. That’s how it is for me anyway. 

The thoughts that go through my head sometimes, are beyond ridiculous. I know that. But I feel them. And most of the time I believe them. Those demons are a pain in the ass!!!

On a good day I find distractions….I keep busy, work is good, I chat with family and friends and I watch tv until my eyes no longer stay open. I like those days, no time to think. No time for demons. 

But there are bad days. Obviously. On those days even the fact that I’ve woken up destroys me. And then I have to deal with the day, deal with people, go to work……function. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. It’s. Just. Not. Fun. 

My mum said to me the other day. Everyone goes through bad times, you just need to learn to cope better. I can understand where she’s coming from…but here’s the thing. On an average day I’m already trying to fight my way through, cope with things that others wouldn’t even give a second thought to…I’m trying my hardest to survive. So….when something bad happens, I fall. Because I’m all spent on the ok days. I have no energy left for the tough times. I give up. I fall apart. I crumble. 

Mental health is different for everyone that suffers. For me it’s a daily battle to beat the demons and make it to the next sunrise. 

I didn’t ask for this, I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone and I hope that this post helps people realise how horrible this can be. 

Where’s your head at??? 

Ummm….all over the place. But!!! The dark grey heavy clouds parted over the weekend. I saw brightness again. Not much but enough to know I can pick myself, dust myself off and find my way again. 

My heart still aches for the boy. But now more so because I know he’s in pain too. And I can’t do anything to help him. I understand to some extent how he’s feeling because I’ve been there many times. But it doesn’t mean I can help him. Firstly I don’t think he will let me, second I need to make sure I focus on myself first and lastly…you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. All I can do is be there for him. So that’s what I’m doing. 

But me first. I need to make sure of that. I don’t want to rush into anything so I’m just taking it a day at a time. I’ve piled on the lbs again and I know I need to sort that out. But at the moment getting myself out of bed, into work and functioning as normal as possible is enough for now. I am ready to start moving forward again…just very slowly.

As for the boy. Well people are confused and a little negative about us still even talking. I understand why. But at the same time no one is in my shoes. We care about each other. I’m at a point in my life where finding people you connect with is rare. I don’t want him to go through his pain alone so if I can be there for him I will do it. 

I’m not doing this in the hopes he will change his mind. I’m doing this because I care about him and I don’t want him to suffer alone. But in order to be there for him I need to get myself sorted first. So that’s my first goal. Me. 

How I’m feeling 

Numb

Hurt

Broken

Lost

Empty

Worthless 

Tired 

Exhausted 

Flat

Sad 

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