Goodbye 2015

When people say ‘Happy New Year’, what does that even mean? I know people are wishing everyone happiness for the year ahead but really??? I mean whose year is full of complete happiness? Maybe some, but everyone has rough times over the year surely? Is anyone truly happy through the the entire year?

I sound miserable don’t I? I’m sorry. I just don’t feel all that excited about the year ahead. Not because it won’t be a good one. But because I don’t know what it will bring. Last year I was excited about the good things to come but look where I ended up? Was it my fault? Did I not try hard enough? Did I do something wrong?

This last year for me has been crazy. It started well and slowly and gradually it got darker and darker. I fought…I really did. I tried to deal with the bad thoughts I was getting but I just couldn’t do it! So I hit a wall. A hard one. I had to get back on medication, my fitness regime went out of the window and I even had to take some time off work.

When I look back I don’t think my year was that terrible. I just think things deteriorated slowly. Initially I didn’t even realise it was happening….not until it was really bad anyway. The last few months have been tough. Really tough. Having my baby sister come and visit was just was I needed. I got to be myself, bad days and good. We had a great time together and I loved having her here. And to top it off my Momma bear came home just before christmas. When I started struggling she got worried and decided she wanted to be here with me. I didn’t ask for it but I’m grateful for her being here. I do need the support and sometimes I’m just to scared to ask for it.

So I had a semi family christmas which was lovely. It was emotional at times as I’m still dealing with a lot but having my sis and mum here was more then I could ever ask for.

I’ve also had some amazing support from other friends. My BBG girls have been amazing…messaging regularly to see how I am, sending flowers and just generally being amazing. My friend Alex has been there every day for me. Checking on me, messaging to see how I am and gnereally making me know I not alone. When you are going through a hard time your true friends really do appear and I’m lucky I have so many.

So anyway 2016 is a mere 4 hours away. Am I excited? Not really! I’m just thankful. I’m thankful I got through 2015 and still here to see in new year. There are times where I’ve wanted to give up. To not continue. To not keep going. I know it sounds utterly selfish but when you feel hopeless, full of self loathing and cannot see the purpose of your existence you literally can’t see any other way out.

But I’m still here. I want to keep going. So come at me 2016. I’m not going to tell myself I’ll do all these amazing things. I just want to get through another year. Getting through a day is hard enough at the moment so I think that would be an achievement on its own. Life is hard folks. Don’t set yourself unrealistic new year goals and resolutions. Just strive to get through things, be as happy as life will allow you to be and strong enough to fight through the times when life isn’t so great.

Be good to yourself next year. I will try to do the same XXX

 

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And then there were 3 :) 

I had a very wobbly weekend last week. Sleepless nights, lonely days and strange feelings of anxiety. Thankfully that all changed on Tuesday. Why? Because my little sister came home 🙂   
We have had the best time together so far. It’s like she never left. Lots of pj time on the couch, eating our favorite foods, catching up with friends and we had an amazing day out on Friday at the Harry Potter studios. It’s been so much fun and I’m loving having her home. 

   
   
The best thing that’s happened is when we picked up the new member of our family on Wednesday. Meet Toby my beautiful greyhound baby. He’s the best decision I’ve ever made. The most gorgeous and gentle dog ever! I love him so much already. 

   
 We’ve had a very lazy Sunday today. Me, my sis and Toby. It’s been perfect. Tomorrow is my last day off before I go back to work. I’m less apprehensive this time. Not sure if it’s having people around me but I’m definitely feeling better going back. I’ll keep you posted with how I get on. 

Next thing is getting myself back into a routine with the gym. I know I need to ease back into it slowly but I think I’m ready to start back. I think I’ll get my first week at work done first then try and do a few gentle sessions to help keep those Christmas calories at bay. 

I can’t believe Christmas is just around the corner but I’m finally getting excited about it. Especially when I know there’s going to be someone else joining us. But that’s a secret for now…so watch this space!! xx 

It’s hard to explain 

So it seems I’m not quite feeling all that better still. Last few days have been hard. I can’t explain why. I’m either feeling nothing at all or my head is full of non stop thoughts and I can’t switch off.

Today I went back to see my GP. I think she knew straight away I wasn’t feeling good. When she asked how I’d been I broke down.

I didn’t have a proper answer I just knew I wasn’t good.

After a chat we decided it was time to try some new medication. However this means as I come off one and switch to the other I’m going to feel worse before I get better. Because of that and the fact I feel shit already she’s signed me off work for another week.

So again the feelings of guilt, frustration and letting people down. I don’t choose to feel like this and it worries me that people think I’m just making excuses. But the reality is that when getting yourself out of bed every morning is the hardest thing to do, when you can’t sleep at night because you are constantly worrying what’s wrong with you and when you start cutting yourself off from the people that care…there’s something wrong. It’s not pretend. It’s unexplainable but it’s real. It’s an illness that I have fight against some days harder then others!

What I’ve struggled with lately are the people that care. I’m so lucky to have so many people that worry and want to understand. But trying to explain is hard work. And although talking helps sometimes I just don’t want to. So for everyone out there that has reached out to me, I’m grateful I really am. But don’t get offended if you don’t always hear back straightaway. And don’t worry. I’m doing what I need to and I know you are all there for me. But some days I need some alone time. And for those that want to see me, that’s ok too. I like the company but I might just be a bit quiet.

I spoke to my parents earlier and my Dad said I should write about how I’m feeling at the moment and how other people’s concern and is affecting me. Like I said I’m lucky to have you all around me but just know that it’s something I need to work through on my own. Give me time, be patient please and I promise the real Shaena will return soon xxx 

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