I’m tired 

Im tired today. Actually I’ve been tired for quite a while now. That’s what depression does…it makes you tired. You see, it’s not just a case of feeling flat, sad and numb. Yes those things are definitely part of it, but I think those sorts of feelings surface more when you submerge yourself in the depression. When you stop trying, when you start giving into it, when you hit rock bottom…when you let depression win.

When I first started this blog I had just come out of a seriously dark place. I went through some stuff that pretty much broke me. I really had given up. I was so tired that I wanted to sleep forever…quite literally. It was the worst bout of depression I’ve ever been through. I’d gone through some tough times before but nothing compared to that. But with the help of some very good friends and my amazing family I got through it and managed to turn things around.

Life got better after that. I changed my way of thinking, set myself some life goals and generally had a better outlook on life. And although the things from my past occasionally popped back up every now and again I managed to keep the depression at bay. 
Unfortunately the darkness started creeping back in a few months ago. Things were happening around me that started to trigger memories, open up wounds that had never fully healed and I found myself sinking again. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to go back to that horrible place. So I tried my best not to. 

This is where the exhaustion comes in. Getting yourself out of bed every day when you don’t want to face the world. Tiring. Getting through a day at work. Tiring. Putting on a brave face when all you want to do is cry. Tiring. Trying to explain to people what is wrong when sometimes you don’t even know yourself. Tiring. Almost everything becomes tiring. But you keep going. Because you have no choice. You can’t let it take over your life again. 

So that’s why I’m tired. Because I’m desperately fighting this horrible illness again. I’ll do what ever I can not to let it beat me. I get up, I go to work, I talk to people, I go to the gym and I spend time with my friends and family. It all sounds pretty normal but when your head is telling you just to stay in bed all day and hide away from the world…all that stuff is hard work and yes, you’ve guessed it. Tiring! 

So on that note… I’m going to bed now. And tomorrow I’ll wake up again and battle through another day. And the day after I’ll do the same. And I will keep on battling until life gets better again. Because I know it will. It always does. I just need to keep fighting! 

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No more hide and seek 

I’ve been overwhelmed this last week. The comments, the positivity and the love I got after my last post was beyond amazing. People I barely know sent me such lovely messages and words of support and understanding. It made me realise I’m not alone in this and people do care. 

It’s not easy to speak out and open up but I think that by not doing so you don’t give people a chance to be there for you. Ok, so not everyone knows what to say and some people will never fully understand what it feels like but sharing helps. It gives you a chance to stop hiding and pretending and allows you to deal with it in as best you can. 

So I’ve been feeling a lot better this week. I’ve allowed myself to feel sad if I’ve needed to but not hiding anymore also allows me to feel happy for real at times…no more faking! This has had a positive impact on my fitness. I’ve been to the gym, my fitness classes and played tennis and badminton. Even managed to get my Mum on the courts this morning before finishing up with a lovely walk around one of our local parks. 

I need to remember this moment. This feeling of comfort, hopefulness and positivity. It comes from being honest, talking, sharing and most of all, it comes from not hiding. Hiding leaves me numb, alone, scared and searching for answers. I don’t have the answers yet but I do know that by not hiding anymore and being who I am I am definitely more likely to find them. 

If you find yourself hiding, please don’t. Talk to someone, talk to me. I promise you, it does help xx 

The return of the demons

Yesterday a friend at work asked me why I hadn’t updated my blog for such a long time. At the time I didn’t really have an answer…laziness maybe? Or have I just been too busy? Neither to be honest. I think if anything I’ve been hiding a bit. Trying to prove to everyone how great I’m doing when really things haven’t been going that well at all.

It started a couple of months ago I guess. Little snippets of sadness that started to blend into one another leaving me flat, lost and mentally drained. I thought I was disguising it quite well at the time but people started to notice and once I opened up to a few friends they encouraged me to seek some help and support. Part of me was frustrated that I’d ended up back there again. That dark place I’d worked so hard to avoid over the last year. But I know how it works….this illness…the depression, it’s part of who I am. I just need to accept that there might always be times in my life when I just need that little bit of extra help to keep it in check! 

So off to the Doctor’s I went. I explained how I’d been feeling. The moments of anxiety and despair. The resurfacing of old negative feelings, thoughts and emotions. I had also made an appointment to see a counsellor but in the meantime by GP thought that it might be worth trying me back on medication again. I was reluctant at first but knowing I needed to quickly get back to ‘normal’ as soon as possible so that my work would not be affected I thought I’d give it a try. Not going to lie…the first few weeks were horrendous. Sleepless nights, nausea, lucid dreams and very sleepy days!!! But thankfully once all this subsided I did feel like my head was in a better place. Especially combined with the counselling sessions I’d been going to. 

So as things started to settle down (in my head) good things also happened. I bought a new car, work was going well and most importantly my parents came back from India! 🙂 

It’s been so lovely having them home. We’ve spent quite a bit of time together and had lots of laughs. And the home cooked food and pampering hasn’t been too bad either 😉 

For some reason though and I can’t really explain why the last few weeks haven’t been so great. My energy levels have been low, I’ve not had much enthusiasm for anything and my fitness regime started to go downhill fast. But rather then be honest about this I found myself hiding the fact I was feeling low. Friends and family were proud of me for acknowledging that I’d hit a bit of a bump and got myself help so I didn’t want to confess that things still weren’t that great. The lack of self confidence was creeping back in as was the self loathing. 

Thankfully I have an amazing support network and my parents picked up on the fact I still wasn’t quite myself. My dad convinced me to open up and talk about how I was feeling. It’s not easy telling the people you love you’ve lost your way yet again and can’t explain why. But I’m trying my best to be more honest and open. 

So anyway last week I went back to the doctor who has increased my meds in the hope it’ll help lift me up a bit and get me back on track. I’ve also made a big decision which although disappointing for myself, I know is the right thing to do. In my last post I talked about setting myself a new challenge and running a half marathon in October. Needless to say my recent frame of mind has had a negative impact on my training or lack of! It’s gotten to the point where I was feeling guilty and stressed about it and as a consequence bringing me down even more. So…after a lot of thought I’ve decided not to do the run. And instead focus on the things I enjoy doing and the things that make me feel good about myself. For some reason my heart just wasn’t in it and rather then force myself to do it just to prove a point to others and myself I think it’s best I hold my hands up and say I made a mistake and it’s not the right thing for me at the moment. Instead I want to continue with my gym classes and new found love for badminton and tennis. 

I don’t want to go into the ins and outs of why I found myself back there. I can think of some reasons but sometimes it’s just the way things go unfortunately. But all I can say is it’s always good to talk about it and there is never anything wrong in asking for help. I’m lucky for the people I have around me right now that have been so understanding and supportive. I’ve been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from work colleagues and new friends and as ever my family have been amazing. I’m a very lucky girl…and when times get hard I really need to remember that x 

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