It’s bumpy out there…

It’s been almost a week since my last post when I was having a rather crappy day. But I hung on in there and dragged myself to my Body Pump class in the evening which turned my mood around and left me on a high for the rest of the night.

Since then I’ve been very up and down. I’ve had some really good moments. Signed up for the local running club as part of my 10k training with my two friends, had some lovely afternoons/days catching up with friends and still enjoying my workouts. It’s the in between moments that I find hard. The day can seem so long, empty and lonely when you are on your own. Most of the time I keep myself busy doing odd jobs around the house or submerge myself into a movie marathon. But there are other times when that’s just not enough. My mind wanders and I find myself creeping back to a place I don’t want to be. I don’t want to alarm anyone as I’m not actually back there but it’s funny how that dark place can seem such a distant memory on some days and then not so far away at all on others.

So how do I avoid it? Well gentle reminders help. To keep going, keep busy or to try and shift my focus elsewhere. Thankfully most people know what to say to help me pick my mood up. Some however don’t. It’s not their fault it’s just well, if you can’t understand it how do you know what the right thing to say is. It makes me realise how much easier it is for people to say ‘I’m fine’ or ‘I’m doing ok’ when they’re are actually not. So many people put on a happy mask to avoid making the other person feel awkward or because they don’t want to hear the old ‘cheer up, it could be worse’ – unfortunately that line….not all that helpful!

So anyway I went to bed last night not feeling that cheerful. Couldn’t even find my happy moment for my 100 happy days…which made it worse. But told myself I would wake up today and start again. There’s nothing wrong in having crappy days as long as they don’t start to merge into one another and become a crappy week….or worse a month! That’s when you are in trouble!! So I get up and get a call from the recruitment agency about the job I’d been waiting to hear about. Finally I thought….I have a starting date. Ummm…no! She apologised for messing me about but that position was no longer available. This did not bode well for my fresh new start to the week. So I sulked. A lot. Yes I know being miserable about it won’t get me anywhere but for a little while I just wanted to do exactly that. Be miserable.

After my sulk session was over I had a brief chat to my friend who is also doing this 100 happy days. She reminded me that sometimes you have to make your own happy moments and that good things don’t always just fall into your lap. And these happy moments don’t even have to be big things. Just something in the day that makes your smile, proud of yourself or just feeling better then you were before. Of course she was right…I was too busy wallowing to realise that. So I picked myself up and got on with my day and strangely enough I’m already feeling better.

So I think what I’m trying to get at is yes I’m doing much better then I was a year ago but every day I have to work at staying strong and focus on where I am now as opposed to yesterday or tomorrow. I’m going to have good days and bad for a while, until my life settles down a bit. But that’s ok….just one day at a time, right? 🙂

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Having a flat hump day

I started today feeling quite low. Actually it started last night. I think I’m starting to get cabin fever from being at home on my own and not getting out much. Finding it hard to keep myself occupied while I’m not working and I think that’s the main problem.

I have been working out every day this week but you can only spend so much time in the gym. I don’t want it to take over my life but with me not working yet there’s very little else I can do. Spring has decided not to arrive yet so with the cold, wet and windy days I don’t really have any place to go. Plus no job means no money.

I’m supposed to hear about a start date for my job today. It’s frustrating all this waiting around. I know things will pick up once I do start and I then I’ll be super busy with working and gym classes etc. And it will be good to have my weekends back to normal where I can start fitting in social stuff with my friends.

But for now I’m bored and mood and motivation are low. Makes me miss my far away friends. When I lived in Australia there was so much going on all the time it was hard to get down time….now it’s all I seem to have. I know things will pick up and I refuse to let it get to me but some days it can leave me feeling a little deflated. And today is one of them *sigh*.

Oh look….it’s raining. Again 😦

 

Here we go…

And so it begins. For real now. Tomorrow I am starting with two new challenges. Michelle Bridges’ 12 week body transformation and 100 happy days.

The first I have been going on about a lot already and have making some changes to my daily routine to get me ready for it. Food habits are improving. Yes I’ve had a few treats here and there but with so many foods I missed while I was away in India I couldn’t resist. Cravings are out of my system now (well, mostly) so now I’m ready to cut out the cr*p and start eating clean as they say!

I’ve been working out regularly too. This last week I did a Body Attack and Combat class…..and for the first time I tried Body Pump. All I can say is ‘ouch’!! The class was on Friday morning and my muscles have been screaming ever since. Never thought I’d see the day I’d be lifting weights (pathetic ones mind!) for an entire hour. But it felt good and I want to make sure I incorporate that into my weekly workout schedule as so many people have told me about the importance of doing strength and conditioning work alongside my cardio. So here’s hoping I can feel my arms again by Wednesday as that’s when my next Pump class is!

Anyway it all kicks off tomorrow and I’ve been printing out my recipes today to get me all ready for the week. I’ve been excited about this for so long but today I’m feeling a little apprehensive. Suddenly the challenge just seems daunting and the fear of failing is kicking in. But I have to keep reminding myself I will only fail if I let myself fail. I have to believe I can do this or there’s no point in even starting it. So one day at a time and to keep me motivated, smiling and make each day that little bit easier I’ve decided to do the 100 happy days challenge along side it.

My sister and her friends are doing this and I thought it would be a good idea to join in too. We spend way too much time going from one day to the next without taking notice of the little things that make us smile, brighten up our day or have some positive impact on our lives. This challenge is about looking out for those things for a consecutive 100 days and making a mental note of it, taking a picture, writing it down or sharing it with friends. Anyway you can think of, so that thing or that moment does not pass you by unnoticed. I think it’s such a lovely idea and could bring a smile to your face even on the darkest of days.

So 84 days to ‘transform’ into a healthier, fitter and more energised Shaena. And 100 days of happy to remind myself that in every day there is always something worth smiling about 🙂

Please leave me alone…

Ugh! Why is it then when things are going well, things from your not so joyful past keep rearing their ugly heads? Ok so they’re not that ugly, but I am scared that if they keep reappearing they will stop me from properly moving forward.

So you probably know where this is going. The ex. Now before I go on I had told myself I wouldn’t write about this but then I had a rethink and remembered that this is meant to be me being honest and open. So here I go…

I have nothing bad to say about the ex. He was a really good guy. Not for me. But a really good guy. What I miss the most is our friendship. But after dragging him over to the dark side with me I can now see why that friendship is no longer. When people go through depression they tend to drag loved ones into it with them…you don’t mean to but they can still end up involved. I know I did that with him but at the time I didn’t see it. So we no longer talk….at all. I admit I’ve tried a few times but there has been no response. Nothing. And that hurt…for a long time. It still does. But you know what? I get it. I went through hell and I can imagine he didn’t have a great time through it either. I’ve had my time to heal so maybe he’s just doing the same. Either way, I have no bad feelings towards him anymore. In fact I hope he is doing ok and happy.

But here’s the thing. No matter how hard you try to block these things out and move on they just keep on popping back up to say hello. Well not literally…but you know what I mean? It’s the same with some of my old friendships. A few really good ones got damaged. I have to admit at the time I pointed the finger a lot. I couldn’t see past my own issues to be the friend I should have been. They saw I’d changed. Maybe they didn’t understand it or maybe they just didn’t care. But they walked away. I’m not saying it was always my fault but I know I was partly to blame. And again, now I can see things more clearly I’ve tried to make it up but the feeling hasn’t been quite mutual.

I can’t help the person I turned into. And I can’t change the things I said or did. But I’ve tried to make a mends and move on. But every now and again the past just likes to challenge me. Remind me of what was. The things I no longer have. The people that no longer want to know me. It really does suck sometimes.

I am lucky I still have people who stuck by me and I have no bad feelings to those that couldn’t. Not everyone can understand and deal with it. I get that. I have to keep telling myself the past is the past. But this past of mine…well, sometimes I wish it would just leave me alone and let me get on.

Not all about the numbers, but….

So I stepped onto the scales this morning to see if my first week back in the gym and attempt at healthy eating had made any difference. I have to admit I was quite shocked. I even had to check a few times to make sure I was reading the numbers right. I’d lost 1.5kg since last Monday!! 🙂

I’ve told myself I won’t get too fixated with the numbers on the scales but I gotta say that I was pretty chuffed with myself. I’ve had some bad food days and I’m only just experimenting with new gym classes but that was such a great motivator this morning. I went off to Body Combat with a massive grin on my face!!

So this is my last week of warming up before 12wbt kicks off next week. I’ve got a lot of food prep to do and I need to get organised with what classes I’ll be doing and when. But I’m raring to go now. I can already feel the difference and seeing it today made it all that more exciting.

Bring it on Michelle Bridges….I am ready!!! 🙂 🙂

 

 

Missing you…

I knew it would kick in eventually. And it did…today. I was sat at home this evening and I got this sudden ache in my heart. I felt sad. Sad because I’m so far away from my family and my friends in Australia.

I have people here. I know that. But it’s never the same as having your family with you. And my friends, well when I get my sudden sad moments thinking about my life back in Oz, well they’re the only ones that will understand.

So I miss them. And it’s hard not having them around me. I’m ok and it’s not the end of the world I know that. But sometimes it just sucks. A lot.

😦

The Warm Up

So 12wbt is just over a week away and I’m starting to feel nervous. I’m excited about making the positive changes for my health but I am a little scared that I will not be able to keep up with the program. Working out 6 days a week does sound a lot and I really want to give it my all and not trip up. So I’ve been spending the last week since getting back in the gym as much as possible. I did a Body Combat class on Tuesday which was great fun and I managed to get through it without collapsing at the end. I’ve noticed I can’t seem to push myself as much if I just do my own thing in the gym on the machines so I’ve booked in for a few more classes as I think it’s going to be the best way to go for me. Tomorrow morning…Body Attack!!

The other challenge I’m facing is the 10k run in July. I’ve not gone out for a proper run yet but I’ve been training a bit on the treadmill. Not ideal I know, but it’s been a long time since I’ve worked out properly having been away so I want to take it slow. I got fitted for some proper running shoes today so I’m all set to get out there on the open road….once I get over the fear that is! I’m visiting a friend next weekend and she runs 10k with her running club every week and has agreed to take me out for a ‘gentle jog’. I am looking forward to it as I think it’s a good thing to have a supportive friend, especially one who was once a beginner too. I’m also joining my local running club for a beginners course in a few weeks which I think will also be good as I get to start out with people who are in the same situation as myself and hopefully this will help with my lack of running confidence.

My food habits have changed immensely and I have to say I’m pretty proud of myself. No junk food, no snacking unless its on fresh fruit or veggies and eating 3 healthy meals a day. It’s only been a week and I’ve already noticed such a massive difference 🙂

So I think everything is going well so far. But! I’m still not back in work, which means working out and eating well is all that much easier. It’s looking hopeful that I will be back in a job in the next week or so which is great but will I be able to juggle the healthy lifestyle and the fulltime job? I know it sounds ridiculous as people do it all the time. But it’s the first time I’ll be doing it so I really need to make sure I stay focussed and organised. I have a tendency to fall into the TV/couch/bed trap where I find myself thinking about what needs to be done but not actually doing it and being held captive by one of the above. NOT GOOD! But that’s where my cheering squad come in. I’m on my own at the moment but I’m making sure I stay in touch with my friends and family on a daily basis. As I’ve mentioned before I’ve got some amazing friends (they know who they are) and they’ve been awesome with the supportive and motivational messages to make sure I keep going.

All this is a big change for me. Being back home after 3 years, changing my eating habits, working out, living alone and being out of work (although, hopefully not for much longer). But I think I’m doing ok. Like I said it’s a big change…but I definitely feel that it’s a good one.

I’m ready for the challenge…..bring it on!!!! 🙂

So far so good

I’ve been quite busy the last few days getting organised for the new me!! In between getting over the jetlag I’ve been to the gym a few times, stocked up on a bucket load of healthy food and got the job hunt started.

My first day back in the gym was quite tough but I enjoyed the feeling of achy muscles and getting sweaty again. Today I started warming myself up for the 10k training…wanted to see how terrible I really was at this whole running business. Happy to say I managed more than I thought and completing my run in July seemed slightly more achievable than I’d first imagined. Tomorrow I’m tackling a Body Combat class. I’m quite nervous about this. When I think of group fitness classes I just picture myself getting everything wrong, not being able to keep up and generally getting laughed at. But I’m putting those fears aside and going for it anyway!

Food shopping was…well, lets say different. I think I spent more time in fruit and veg section then I have ever done before. I bought spinach. I’ve never bough spinach before. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it but I just love the fact that I bought it 🙂 As I mentioned before I am a carb whore, so not stocking up on rice, potatoes and pasta was quite strange. Instead I bought a cauliflower as apparently this is going to be the answer to my rice addiction! I’ve seen a few cauliflower rice recipes floating around so this week I’m going to give it a try and see what the fuss is about!

What else….ugh, yes. The job hunt. My career has been all over the shop since I left school. I’ve done so many different things I can never give a simple answer to ‘so what kind of job are you looking for?’. To be honest my main goal is just to get a job, whatever it might be (well within reason I guess!). The thought of being unemployed for much longer does not fill me with much joy. But I’ve also been thinking that if I want to change my career direction this might be the best time for it. Now I’m back home my job isn’t tied to any visa restrictions. I can do whatever I like. Problem is, I’m not sure I know what that is!

So anyway like I said. I’ve been busy. But things are settling down ok and I’m enjoying being back home and getting my life back on track. I feel like things are finally coming good and I’m a little step closer to where I want to be 🙂

Home Sweet Home

Finally….I’m home! It was a long journey….26 hours door to door to be exact! It wasn’t as bad as I expected though. The new airport in Mumbai was a good start and my friend Becca picked me up from London Heathrow so I had great company and a lovely catch up on the drive home.

How is it that no matter how long you’ve been away from home….weeks, months, years….it still feels like yesterday that you were last here?! You unlock the door, turn off the alarm, hang the keys up where they belong, open the windows and everything just feels right.

So what now? Well I completed my ‘must do’ jobs, called my parents and did a mini food shop. Not as healthy as I would have liked but I really don’t feel like cooking today. So it’s a low cal ready meal for tonight but some salad to go along with it. Bad…but not terrible!

The rest of the day has been spent on the couch but that’s ok…right? The plan is to try and stay awake until it gets dark and then head to bed to hopefully sleep well enough to get up at a reasonable hour. Then I will start as I mean to go on….a 20 minute yoga session, my morning hot lemon drink and then I’m hitting the gym! YAY!! I’m strangely excited about this. I’ve missed the gym….probably for the first time in my life!

*Fast forward 30 minutes*

Just finished my ready meal…yuk! Tomorrow I WILL be cooking!! And just as I’m struggling to keep my eyes open it’s starting to get dark. So it’s bedtime for me….and tomorrow is my official new start. Excited? Yes I am! 🙂

Homeward Bound

So here it is….my last day in India. How do I feel? Excited, sad, nervous, determined….a whole host of different emotions. But most importantly I feel ready. Ready to get back out there and get my life well and truly back on track.

I know the next few months are going to be a challenge. Firstly, I am heading back alone so after having the support of my parents since July, I will be living on my own for the first time in almost 8 months. Part of me is looking forward to the space and freedom but I’m also a little nervous about how I will cope on my own. I guess this will be the real test to see how far I have come since the dark days!

And then there’s the small matter of finding a job. I’m still hearing doom and gloom stories about unemployment in the UK, recruitment freezes and of friends being made redundant. It’s not going to be easy I know that. But I am realistic and I know that chances of walking into my dream job (not that I know what that is) are highly unlikely. I am totally ok with that. I just hope that I am not unemployed for too long. I want to get back into a routine and start using my brain again.

And finally, I’m absolutely gagging to get back into the gym! I never thought I would say that. I’m excited to start training for my 10k run properly, push the healthy eating into 5th gear (but still remembering the 80/20 rule 😉 ) and generally get the new and improving Shaena, well and truly into action!!

So I’m going to go now and enjoy my last day with my family, finish packing my already bulging suitcases and take in the last few moments of my time here in beautiful India.

Catch you on the flip side folks! 🙂

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